Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1520, 19 February 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

The matron's lament—Let u* sweep.

Man has, we read, 240 bones. Woman hat 241. She has all that man has, and the boo# of contention besides. At an Irish League meeting iome one ia the audience got up and moved that no one should vote who was not present.

Why is a balloon voyager greatly to be envied? Because he rises rapiily in the world, and has most excellent prospects. A man of philosophical temperament resembles « cucumber—for although he may be completely cut up he still remains cool. " Thank heaven," exclaimed a fond father, as he paced the floor at midnight with his howling heir, "thank heaven you an not twius!"

If a burnt child dreads the fire, why doee • person who has been tinged by Cupid's toveh so often have a lingering regard for the old flame?

The most gigantic sharks in the world ere said to be found near Australia. Of course, this discovery makes the English lawyers mad* but facts are facts.

" Waiter, you can bring me a nice younf chicken smothered in onions ?" " No, sah. We doesn't kill 'em dat way, sah. We cate off d'er heads."

" Say, what is a chestnut ?" " Well, it's • joke that is a little stale." Ah, I see I Then [ suppose that a joke that is very old is a horse chestnut." " Well, you ought to know."

Said a Magistrate to an actress; "Your pro* fession, mademoiselle ?" "Artiste." "Your age ?" " Twenty-two." " Usher, you can now swear the lady to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." " What are party lines, p%pa ?" His answer did not wait; " They're lines to fish for voters, child, With taffy for a bait."

—Botton Gautt*.

" Mary," said a mother to her daughter, " has Henry proposed yet ?" " Not yet, mamma, but I think he will before many days." "What makes you think so? M . B«« cause he asked me if you expected to lire with me if I married, and I told him no."

Last night I left my heart with you, A captive to your winning grace; As you have beeu so kind and true, Fray send me yours to take its place. She answers— If you have left your heart with me. I cannot say that I regret it) But as tor mine—well, let me seeCall round yourself to-night and get it*

" So, you are studying for the stage, my dear ?" " Oh, yes. I have been working for several months." "I s lppose it is very hard work ?" " ludeed it is. You have no idea how tiresome it is to sit around a dressmaker's alt day long, having one new costume fitted on after another."

" How old are you, sonny ?" u Twelve years of age." " You are very small fo? your age. What is your name ?" " Johnny Smith. My father is a baker on Austin Avenue." "So your faiher is a baker. I might have guessed it by jour sise. You remind me of one of his loaves."—TetHU Siftings. " Lay the cat on lightly, please," aaid the Delaware wife-beater to the Sheriff who was about to apply the l»*h to his baok ; " lay it on lightly and you will soothe my aogry feelings." " Soothe your angry feelings, sir," said the Sheriff. " Yes; a soft tan, sir, tumeth away wrath." The advertiser, no matter how small Lia favours, is like the brave general. He oon* siders his place to be at the head of th* column.

" Well, may I hope, then, dearest, that at sometime I ma)' hare the happiness of making you my wife ? " " Ye*, I h >pe so, lam sure, she replied, " I am tired of suing fellows for breach of promise."

A philosopher remarks that "the human and a horse race are growing more and mora alike every generation. The aimiiiaritj has already become very markedln oae respect— No one can now saiely bet on either. At a negro wedding, when the minister read the words, " love, honour, and obey," (ha groom interrupted Lim and said, " Head that agin, sah; read it wunce mo', bo's de lady kin ketch de full solemnity of de meaning. I'm been married be o\"

The latest thing in practical joking at a pyrotechnic display is to tie a strong thread to a friend's hat, attach the other end to a sky rocket, and|get him to let it off. The delight of the victim is unbounded, and the export* ment meets with great success. Mrs Brown—" What do you think P Mrs Godolphin has just returned from Paris With several thousand dollars worth of brio-a-brao that she could have purchased just aa cheap at home." Mr Brown—'Yes, i know | sho bought it at my store yesterday afternoon." "Do you believe in spooks f" "No I can't say as I do, but I've sten things L couldn't account for." "Of the supernatural orderP" " Well, no, not, exactly, and still a consider* able bit that way, too. I've seen people keep fat without any visible means of support." The time is fast approaching wheii the visitor to the sanctum will step in smiling and confident, and just as he is about to say—- " Here is a little thing I have just dashed off," he will be paralysed .by a voice exclaiming in tones of thunder—" (Jo back and shut that door."

A farmer on Staten Island, when trying to sell his farm said that he had more cowalips on his land in winter than any farmer in the country. The unfortunate purchaser discovered that duiing the foliowiug winter half the farm was covered with ice, and no cow could travel over it without taking a tumble.

An old Scotchman wa« takiag a walk tod a smoke, oue eveaiug after supper, when he met the parish miuiiter. Hij reverence ad* dressed him thu<—" Are you going to tiki the air, William ?" " I r aa lly think I'll bid* laiclier doon, sir,'' wa, the reply, •• Thi mmiitpp smiled, and left to mqioi hi) walk.

A ferryman, who had a strong affection for whi»kv, entered a publie-hou e some time ifo for his usual dram. He emptied tho glass into a tumbler, which he put to his hps, and then removing it, said to the landlord:—* " Man, it's fine wi' a strawberry i.i't" '• There's nae strawberry inV said the land.* lord. "Is there no? Taste it.' The ferry* man had be* n deceived by the reflection on the bottom of the tumbler by his own no**.

Curran, conversing with Sir Thos. Turton* happened to remark that hi could never ipeab in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Tbomftl replied that, in that respect, he had the advan* tage of him :—" I »poke," said he, " the other in 'h House of Commons for Ore hours, on the Nab >b of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty." "It w very remarkable indeed,*' rejoined Curran, " for every one afreet fed was the drwt speech of the wiioq." ■