Wit and Humours

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1519, 12 February 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humours

" You are charged," remarked the Magistrate to the tramp," for stealing an accordion. Are you guilty ?" ° Yes, your Honor, I most admit the charge." * Did you steal it to play on P" " I did not," replied the prisoner, in a hurt tone of voice; " I hope your honomr does not take me for a musician."

" A nice husband you are I" said Madame in a passion. " You care less about me than about those pet animals of yours. Look what you did when your poodle. Asor, died." Husband (quietly)—." Well, I had him •tuff- i ed." Wife (exasperated)—" You wouldn't have gone to that expense for me—not you, indeed !"

Rossini meeting Mr Bishop in Paris or London (we forget which), and having known him before, but upon this occasion, after several ineffectual attempts, having failed to pronounce his name—" Ab, Monsier—Monsier" assured bim of his recognition by singing the first strain of Bishop's beautiful round, " When the wind blows."

Mr Anglo Manyer—" If England had gone to var with Russia, Miss Woteleaf, I tremble to think what the consequences might have been." Miss Roseleaf—" Indeed P" Mr Anglo Manyer—"Yes, soldier coats might have got to be the syle in London, don't you know, and wed goes so howwibly with my complexion."—Harper's Bazaar. " I am afraid, Johnny," said his employer, " that I shall have to discharge you." " Wot fer?" "Inattention to business. You are altogether too fond of base ball. There it nothing left for me to do but to discharge you." " Naw, yer don't," said Johnny j " I don't take no discharge j but if yer wants to let me go I'm wiMin' to accept a release." The following epitaph, which was found on a tombstone not long since, is supposed to have been composed by a cynical old bachelor :-

" Beneath this stone, a lump of clay. Lies Isabella Young, Who, on the twenty-fourth of May, Began to hold her tongue." Book canvasser (to little boy at the door) —" Can I see your ma', sonny ?" Little boy —" No. She's busy in the kitchen puttin* down peaches." Book canvasser—" Have you got a big sister P' Little boy—"Yea, but she's busy upstairs puttin' down carpets." Book canvasser— ** Well, where'e your pa P" Little boy—" He's round the corner, puttin' down beer."

They were a North Minneapolis pair, and were sitting close together on the piazza, when he said—" Georgian a, dear, why are you like the moon to-night P" "I don't know, Augustus. Why am I?" " Because there's a circle ronnd y iu"—(lengthening his arm out a joint). " Yes, Augustus; and why are you like the moon ?'• "Am I like the moon P Why ?" " Became you are af-fulgent, Augustus."—Minneapolis Mail. He—" See that bird on the upper limb of that tree, Carrie." She (after vainly looking in the direction indicated) —" Why, Charlie, I can't see it." He—" Can't see it I That's funny. It's as plain as the nose on your face." And that is why thej do not speak now as they pass by. Her nose is, candour compels me to say, plainness itself. Moral —when you make use of a simile, be sure that there can be no unpleasant features in its application. Yilliers, the witty and extravagant Duke of Buckingham, in Charles ll's time, said one cUy to Sir Robert Viper, " lan afraid I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world." "Upon my word," replied Sir Robert, " there is another thing more terrible which you have reason to ap* prehend, and that is, you will lire a beggar at the rate you are going on." Two village worthies met one day. '• Jamie," says the richer of the two, " are ye never gaun to pay me that account P Vm ill off for siller the noo." ''Oh," says Jamie, " I havena seen ye this long time. Could ye cheenge a twenty-pound note P" " Ay, could I," says the laird, drawing out his pocket book. " Ah, weel." says Jamie, "you're no neerlin' siller then," and walked on. Payment indefinitely postponed. A certain Turkish Pasha's visit to the Bank of England was the occasion of a curious misunderstanding. The governor of the bank placed a small bundle of bank-notes in the hand of the Pasha, remarking tbat it represented a million of pounds sterling. Ibrahim Pasha, thinking it a complimentary gift, proceeded to pooket the notes, and the greatest difficulty was experienced in convincing him that the notes had been placed in his hand merely as a curiosity, and not as a gift, when he reluctantly and with crestfallen mien, restored them to the governor. A bashful young man in Walton went three rimes to ask a beautiful young lady if he might be partner of ber joys and sorrows and other household furniture; but each time his heart failed him, and he took the question away unpopped. She saw the anguisn of bis soul and had compassion on him. So the next time he came she asked him if he had thought to bring a sorewdriver with him. He blushed and wanted to know what for. And she, in the fulness of ber heart, said she did not know but that he would want to screw up bis courage before he left. He took the bint and the girl.

At a well-known engineering establishment in Newcastle, a conversation took pUoe on the Merits of seagoing engineers. One young man was mentioned who had obtained a responsible post of the kind spoken of, andhia fitness for the position was warmly discussed. One speaker pointed out that he had passed a brilliant examination, and knew the theory of marine engineering perfectly. "Hoots, man" said a veteran on the other side, «' what hes that to de wi'vt P It's a practical man we want for that job, an'nyen a yor theologians!" A Frenchman, M. Dubois, in conversation with Mr Brown, an Englishman, says:—" £ am going to leave ray hotel. I paid my bill yesterday, and I said to the landlord, ■Do I owe anything else ?' He said, «You are square.' 'What am IP* He said again, 1 You are square.' ' That's strange. »id I j ' I lived so long and never knew I was square before.' Then, a* I was going awav, he shook me by the hand, saying. • I hope you'll be round soon.' I said, 'I thought you sa<d I was square. Now you hope I'll be round. He laughed and said ■ When I tell you you 11 be round, I mean you won't be long.' I did not know how many forma he wished me to assume; however, I was glad he did cot call me flat."

In a street car.—He was a gentleman from the country, and had ensconced hit " girl,' and himself in the corner of a tramcar. As the vehicle sped up the road his arm began to steal around his companion's waist, and his head inclined lovingly towards her, unconscious of observation by the few remaining passengers. Ju-t as fh- car approached Sawver street the conductor thrust his head inside the car, and yelled " Saw-yer!" in close proximity to Hayseed's he»d. The latter, hastily drawing himself " ioto form," indignantly remarked : "You needn't er howled it through the car, if vou did. We're en. gaged j" and the rest of the freight set their facts towards the dfivw tod gria&tdi