Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1518, 5 February 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

Shakespeare would not hare asked " What's in a name ?" if he had tried to wrestle with the titles bestowed on his pet orchids.

" You don't mean to say that you wish your wife would turn into a pillar of nit t" "Not exactly but " "But whatP" "I wish she wbb not quite so peppery."

John Davie, farmer in Walton, parish of Cardross, was remarkable for hit ready turn of wit. One day, when returning home from Dumbarton with a pig which he had purchased there, he met Major Alexander, then residing at Auchinfroe, who accosted him thus ■' Well, John, is this a cousin of yours you have got with you to-day ?"to which John replied, " Deed, no, sir; he's no a freend ava but only an acquaintance, like yoursel'."

Most Unreasonable! —He :—" I believe if it hadn't been for my money you would never have married me." She:—" If it hadn't been! Could you expect it ?"

A Gentleman found the water at a public bathing place so dirty that, on going out, he asked the man in charge :— 1 " I lay, friend, where do strangers go for a wash after here?'*

" How are you, Smith ? How ate all th e girls your way ? Are you so sweet on tha fc Miss Jones as you used to be?" "Oh, no ' I've left that off some time." " Had a rinar" rel ?" No. Married her last month."

Brown—" You see those two sheep over there? Spell the pair in one letter." Bass * 1 W." Bass—Very good, Brown,—only one of them happens to be a ram." A well-known beauty has one draw-back; her hands are the colour of boiled lobster. Someone happened to mention her name to a celebrated wit, who sail, "She is very pretty; I see only one fau'.t in herj her hands are a trifle too—bashful?"

A Way to Make Him Smile.—Editor—"l Cannot Make Him Smile" (reading title of her poem. (" You want to make him smile very bad, eh Miss Violet (with indignant inflection)—" Sir !" Editor—" |Show him your poem."

She charming and sedate, Her happy heart'i elate, Her brain is filled with lore, Her college days are o'er And she sits like a queen in her chair of itato, The gracious and gleeful girl graduate. " And them's what folk cull handsome, are they ?" said a Leicestershire farmer, aa he watched a couple of hansom cabs rolling clown the Strand. " Well, I wonder what they'd think if they could see a new waggon with red wheels."

A good story is told of Sully, the painter, a man disfingushed for refinement of manners as well as success in art. Ac a party one eren* ing Sully was speaking of a belle who was a favourite. " Ah," said Sully, " ahe has a mout h like an elephant." "Oh I Mr Sully, how can jou be so rude?" "Rude, ladies, rude ! What do you meaD P I) say ahe h*B got a mouih like an elephant because it is full of ivory." At a meet-in* of the Fife Magistrates some years after 1745, a Whig gentleman gave as a toa?t '• The Duke of Cumberland." Da*id Beatouu, of Kilconquhar, a zealous Jacobite* immediately after proposed "James Sibaid the butcher of Colnesburgh," to the great indignation of his Whin neighbour, who said he must deciiue to do so much honour to a common tradesman. "Sir," said Kiloonquhar sternly, " I've drunk your bntcher, and jou'll either drink mine or be put over the window." —Chambers's Journal.

Edward the Confessor, one day lying on his bed, ob-erved a person (who thought him asleep) take some money oat of his casqaet, with which be went off. He soon returned and retreated with a second booty. On hia making a third attempt, " Be as quick as you can," said the king, for should Hugoline (the Kind's Chancellor) catch you, you will lose all you have gut, and be hanged into the bargin." The Chancellor coming soon after, was greatly concerned at the robbery. " Begird it nut," eaid the King, " the man who has it wanted it more than we."

A correspondent of a Richmond ptjPW writes " Just after we left (Bounoerille, Judge 0., of Charlottesville, hia jokes, and soon had Jail the passengers in a roar. " I'll tell you what I can do," said the Jude to a correspondent of a Few York paper ' you may think of any tun# you please, whether 1 have heard it or not, and by seeing you keep time with your Angara I eon tell you "what you are playing." The correspondent was sceptical. After thinking a mament, he commenced piano-playing on the back of • seat in front of him, with all the grace of • professional. " What am I playing flow P" he asked eagerly, ond with an aii of triumph. ' You are playing the fool," replied the judge." UIS GRATITUDE. While walking on the Galveston wharf, Mrs Sniverly fell into the bay, and was reecued with difficulty, by a stranger. Mr Sniverly shook the,' hand of the rescuer of his wile, aud said: " You have saved my wife from a watery grsve, and I must reward you for it.' ' 1 only aid my duty j Ido not desire any remuneration.' 'Well, if you will not accept my oiouey, 111 give you a piece of advice that will be worth something to you. It will save you a doctor's bill. Don't eat sausages in summer. I know what they are made of I'm a butcher by trade-" A PHLEGMATIC TEUTOH. The absence of mind belonging to the German profess <r ts proverbial. One of these gentleman having got |married, was about to start on his honeymoon, amid the congratulations of his friends. As he was stopping into the railway carriage someone said—- • But where'* your wife, Professor f" 4 Ach! mem (iott!" he replied,' I had forgotten her." And he rushed back to the waiting-room to fetch her. Years after, when their quirer was pretty full, the old gentleman met some children in a public garden, and asked the governess whose they were t ' Whose P Why, yours, Professor,' answered the young lady.

A RKMAKKABLB OPERATIC)*. It happened on a Pullman cm betwew* New York and Chicago. Dinner haying beea finished, the geu leo e i assembled in jthe smoking-room to enjoy their cigars. , , 1 During the tim>< I was in the war, said the quiet n an,' I saw a very wonderful in the line of surgical op' rations. A friend of mine was shut through the right brealitt.. the bullet passing c'ear through him* *J l ® quicktu ss of mind of his companiontindoubtedly saved his life He wrapped his ban - kerchief (round the ramrod of his gun, and pushing it through the path made by tno bullet, cl-ared the wound of all pouonoui lead. I know it is hard to believe, but, gen« t'emen, the man still lives to tell the ta e. •Which man ?' inquired the ilim paa» senger o i the "V'c sit. -eat qui***i ' 1 i:e vo ,n i-d ol ooU'iel ?

the tol'iier, scornfully. t. L 1 Oh, 1 leg j our pardon. I tbougK if might be the other