Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1516, 22 January 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

BarJn S—" Well, Count, what were you most struck with in Switzerland ?"

Count A.—"The English ladies."

" Shall I play " Over the Garden Watt P' asked the organ-grinder. ' No/ replied tilt householder, "I would rather you would play in the next street."

" Which part of the cake will you take, Johnny ?" " Oh, I'll take'the soprano." "The soprano—*hat do you mean ?" * The upper part, of course, ma I"

" Misophobia (or fear of dirt) is a new disease." The Buffalo street-cleaning contractor was vaccinated for nosophobia.

The inhabitants of Burmah worship idels made of brass. How they would get down on their knees if only an American commercial traveller were to get around their way.

Nautical husband (jokingly)—Oh, I'm the mainstay of the family. Wife—Tea, aad the jib oom, and the—and the—Small boy (from experience)— And.the spanker, too, mamma,

AFTKB A CRUISE. Come, ruddy nose, Tell her that I've b. en out upon the sea, Where wind that's salty blows, And not upon a roaring spree While she's been drinking fragrant tea.

Nothing is vainer in Nature than a slim man who has suddenly grown fat, unlaw it be the elderly matron who has just bean mistaken for her daughter.

Billy's little sister had fallen and hurt her nose, and she cried a great deal over it. Hearing his mother tell her to be careful lest she'd spoil it next time, he said—" What's the good of a nose to her ?" She never blows it!"

The imaginative Smith—" Hark, how jolly that singing sounds on the river over there I What a [difference water does make to the sound of music." The flippant Jones—** Yea, but I find -vhisky and water makes more difference still."

A lady of great accomplishments visiting • man of wit, was much pleased with the cueplay of his talents, and to nplimented him on them at her departure. " M tdam," replied the bard, modestly, " I am only an instrument, and you have shown your skill in playing on me."

A gentleman having frequently reprove his servant, au Irish girl, for boiling e<ga to 0 hard, requested her in future to boil them OH" ly three minutes by the clock. " Sura, •»,*' repiied the girl, "how shall I do that? for your honour koo»a the clock in always t quarter of an hour fast."

Q lick entered the kitchen of an inn at Sh field and walked up to the fire, where a goose was roasting. When he was gone, a countryman who had been eying him intent* ly asked the landlord who that" comical little chap" was. The landlord told him; on which the countryman, slapping his thigh with great knowingness, sa>d to a companion, " Dom it, I thowght he was a player. Didn't jesee how he eyed the goose ?"

In his latter days, Macklin, from the languor of age, found thai, he could not call up the violence of passion necessary to give Shy* lock with due impetuosiiy; and it ia said (hat when on the point ot rushing on the stage no used i ocall to the prompter, '• Kick my shins I hick my shius!'' hoping that the physical p.'in wouii supply what was wanting, lhis is quite charac-enstic of Macklia.

A Persian author relates that a lover wa» searching every place for a good physioiac to prescribe to his mistress who was ill. He met a person who possessed a talisman which en* abled the possessor to tee ghosts. On looking in it be saw crowds of khosts go about the door of one phy-ician, who had formerly bees his patients; several others, though not so many, about the door of another doctor } at last, at oue door he saw only a single ghost. He immediately called on the doctor, and with many compliments to his skill and superior practice, desired his advice. "My superior pnctice," cri d the doctor, •• wbji I never baa but two patients in my life."

THB BEIT " COO."

Before Bob Wardiaw married Jane tiribb, he was told by her father tnat whoever married his daughter would get the best cow he possessed. Three months having elapsed smoe his marriage, and still no signs of the cow being forthcoming, Bob thought it time to ask if he was to get it. '(Jet it?" said Andrew Gibb | ye'U certainly get ii { but 1 oinna see whaur ye can pit it up." ' Weel,' said Bob,' I hae nae convenient place to keep it, as ye say | but gin ye like to gie's the value o't in siller, it'll suit mew weel, an' it'll save you frae buyin' anither aue.'

' Na, na,' said Andrew | 'just come awn roon' about, an 1 ye'U get the coo j' and be' look Bob round to tne back of the house where there stood a water pump. ' lhere, noo,' said Andrew,' that's the belt payin' beast I hae, an' it eats nane, sae ye can tak' it wi' ye if ye like j" and with these words he left Bob standing gating at the • cow with the iron tail.'

A henpioked husband declared that the longer he lived with his wife the more he was smitten by her.

"Afac^.—Lady (to a girl at Blackpool, who wu begging) t " What wu yon* mother'i name belore ihe was married ?" ttirl t " Don't know j I didn't lira with her then."

" My name is Somerset," writM • punster, " I am a miserable bache.or. I cannot marry | for how oould I prevail on any young lady pos*es-ed of the slightest notion of delicacy to turn a Somerset."

A Bank director died a few days ago very suddenly, just after he had entered the bank. It is supposed that he went down with the intention of taking the bauk's money, bat found that the same idea hid occurred to the cashier a short time before.

Prise-fighting is being remscitated every* where. The latest i istance of Hackney

viasrbes. One pugilist was felled on the 15th round by a blow on the mouth, and could not come up to the call of time. The blow he received on the chops gave hie opponents the stakes.

The London City Police are, it seems, to relieve the postmen during the exceptional he.ivy time anticipated next week. There are lew cooks in tne City, so these veterans canbespared The Corporation should have undertaken the post j they are delivery men.

Mrs Weldon still occupies the time of her Maje-ty's judges, and is pulling hard against the streum, >ilth.>ugh she has not conquered Riviere. Mr Justice Wills was most obliging to G-eorgina, but even lie—mild mannered man tha* be is—was compelled to assert hissself now and then. Mrs. Weldon «s every bona lawyer, for the hat drawn Willi out,