Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1502, 24 October 1885, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

"Boys will be boys;" which is on th« whole less confusing than if they insisted upon being girls.

" A man and bis wife may differ," says an essayist, with great gravity. They may, they may, and what's more, they geuerallj do.

" Oh, don't propose to me here!" exclaimed a young lady, whose lover was about to pour • ut bis nvowal as they were riding by a corntied. " The very corn has ears."

" Where were you born, little girl?" asked a philanthropist of a street beggar. • I'm not sure, sir," was the reply ; " but I've often heard my ma say I was born in poverty." " Wh it is the German method of treating P" enquir d an uld physician of a fresh young m.-dical student. " 1 really don't kuow doctor, but I suppose it's benr every time." '

Wicked sailor —A lady asked a sailor why a ship was called ' she." The son of Neptune ungallantly replied that it was "because the rigging cost so much."

"Yes," said the level-handed schoolboy, ' I m at the foot of my class, and I ca culafce to s'ay ih re. Ihen I don't have to stand the wear and tear of anxiety f Q r fear 111 lose my pl-ce." '

" Mother have I any children?" asked an urchin of eight summe s. ' Why, do! What put that i'.t > \our head ?" returned the supprise I pi.ent? "Because I lead to-day about children s chddren," answered the acute juveniie.

A seedv man was recently bewailing the fact that he had on a worn out pair of 9hoei. •« Never mind," s .id a Iriend, g. mpatheticallyj " t here is many an honest heart beats be-' neath an o d pair of shoes "

" Coddlepate used to rare over Miss Gnrliguri's hyacinthine curls. Bince he has discovered that they a<e fastened on with hairpins he has chosen a new floral emblem, and now calls them "lie-locks."

A giri who married an old miser fop hit wealth, but |pretended that she married him only lor love, was surprised when she asked him for some money fjr me Hrat time, a' his replying—" Tru • love, darling, seeks no change."

A boarding-school youth answered a question on a paper concerning co nmo i oijeota by declaring that " tne dog has live toes on his front and four toes on nis hind fectj and the cow has no toes, and cannot bark."

Two Chinamen in California worked all one fordnoon making a coifia, after which they fouglit a duel with revolvers in a tield. One of tlie participants waa boxed up in the coffin bo the survivor.

At a schojl at W dlsend, near Newcastle# the master asked a class of boys the meaning of the word "appetite," and after a brief pause, one little ooy said: "I know, sirj when I'm eating I'm 'appy, aud when I'm done I'm tight."

A quarrelsome, hasty fellow, in supping with a friend who never contradicted him, not wishing to provoke his *rath, unable to endure this acquiescence, at last burst out, " Hang it, deny something, that I may know that there are two of us.*'

" How is it," asked a friend of Charles Louis, Elector i\iuce of the Rhine," that your serene grea ness does not kejp a oourt ,ool." " Weil, it s easily aooounted for," an« scored the Prince. '■ Wnen lam melined to laugh, I send lor a coup e of professors from tne oollege, and set tliem arguing." ' Qt .od Heavens!'' exclaimed Madame de Sevigne, does iJ. de Grignau waui so much money as nil tnat to live with my daughter P" ihen, correcting herself, the added, "It it true he has to Jive with her for life." The charming letter writer's expression was strong' r than that, but it has to be modified lor English ears.

Dr Mather used to say that" there vu a gentleman mentioned in the 19. h chapter of the Acts to »h m he was more indebted than any .tli. rin the world " I'liis wa« tee town clerk of Ephesua. who e>ounsel was to do nothing rasnly. Upon any proposal of con* sequence it was usuil for turn to say, " Let ui tirst consult th-j town oiern of Epitesuli

Friendly advioe.—Ghlhooly went to a doo tor for advice " What is the matter with vouP" "I am hungry at a wolf. I work ii*e a hotsej hut I oau t deep " " You bad neater see a ve < rimry »a;d the do 0« tor, sarcastically. " Wh a do 1 want to tee liiintorP lam no veti ra i."

A full-bearded granifither rcoer.ty had "'s oeard shaved oil, sh >wmg a olean face tor 'he first time in a number of years. At the lui ier-iaoie ■is three ear old grauddaughter noticed it, gated loi.g with wondering e>ea, am finally ejaculated, " lirauufatlier, wiiOM Head have you g it onP" *• Why dion't 1 go to her assistance P" aaid the man who stated in bet. While his wife laid out a burglar. '• Young man, Ive had a number of tu-sles with thd old gal, and I knew that ihe burgar had trouble enough without my giving him any."

An Evei'touian five-year-old, wh l ) wai re« cenily culled upon t> welcome a little brothw, w*s h itfle je.ious of tne uew-ooiner. Upou his oroilier for the flut. time, leitri came in Liis ej0«» and with emjiion he laid to h,B mothers " Maiuum, we won't hara any more, will we P Two n enough."

A gentleman, lidinz through Sydenham, saw a hoard with " This ooiuge tor sail" itainted ou it. As hj« was always realy for a pleastnt joke, and seeing a woman in front of ihe house, he stopped aud ask-d her very politely »hen the cottage «• would sail." " Just as soon as th rt man comes who can raise the wind," was ch« quiet reply.

" So you have got twins at your house P** said Mrs B. ru nbe to little Johnny >amueU son. "Yes, mi am, two of 'em." " Wnat are you going to call them?" " Thunder md Lightning." " Why, thoee are strange names to <'all children." " Well, that's what pa called them as soon as he heard they were in the house."

A beggar some time a?o applied for alms at the door of a partisan of the Ami-begging Society. Alter in vain detailing his manifold sorrows, the inexorable gentleman peremptorily dismissed him. " vio a*ay," said he, "go we oanna gio ye naething ' You might a r least,'' replied the mendicant, with an air of arch dignity, " have refused me grammatically.' 1

It seems to be the ambition of all young wifes t) look well when any one calls. A young bride heard a ring at the front door. The mail was out, and she rushed up stairs to "tidy" a little before admitting the caller. There wa< a moment of lightning work b foie he d es*ing-table. In less time than it takes to tell it, a ribbon wis fastened to her t roat, a flo ver stabbm! into her hai% a fl»-h of powder on her face, and she was at 'he door —all smiles and blushes. The •' gentleman " said he had the oheapest clotlwpropi thftt 90014 b« bought for money,