CANTERBURY GOSSIP.-VI.

Lyttelton Times, Volume XXIII, Issue 1381, 1 April 1865, Page 5

CANTERBURY GOSSIP.-VI.

. WTHI EASE AT MT KOTKL ? S.UM-I SOTTAK,t . «. it roftvbes and—** we are speakW^ lh#t T Mrem'ember, is dependent on ccri^fCnW b» r exampl( . ,f yoar noma are tain are of a robust Insensibtll) ,- pretty rig" l; vOU 0 n» cotton to bad cookery, ot to^ stU fil,,, insolence, and much neglect, j,fch hiio.p of comfort (tut* Sin*«heim) if.»" 3 ° f "' t stntcof development, and provided in inl ' H ' ) V ., rv Mt of our Cantcrburian esyou lhe field for your experiment, then, a* wcm i to your satisfaction. ■ v,nl Jj ve me leave to doubt it. I have most of the hotels in this Kin in ' „ of my experience, I should Hvt.l here, I"' Mk ' " S, " ,U »; |W ii„. rv «t my hold t " *"<i to «"• 1 m* ,:,ke ! ll \ ( L nai 'jve; but' if be required ease, he f , r(nH l in the of apply in ft for it at a West vonl ' a* lolins >n defines the word hotel, A (nc ;i n |ier9 ari , accommodated. '< W * 111 ll'inoh boarded barrack , a noisy, notf im * n> * '.of tumble-down sheds ; a mud S v"i h where traveller*, by paying heavily, v „in incommode,! as much as possible, nl:1 - kta !!v dene for: where they may obtain the 9BJ rtf being poisoned by nitrogen, bad brandy, P rin ; beer and viands of the most indigeatin Bv wha , rtight of imagination the tlK*e places have been prompted to ! ••hotel*" i <, ° i »» ab!e to 1 #uppoße of reding was much the srfme as ,hlir P 'lu*eof bvan auctioneer, whose sale I at'hS! ,h, r dav. Ttd aht of animal "' Un> r were lame, blown, slandered, stag--01 * kiclK-r* roarers, ami spavined, and he called SThUrandw they were. But what horses I yjj vhat hotel*! y v ito of what an Englishman's hotel is, or ,'' übr i« ti'is- A substantial Uwking building, in M .v rt'i 'libourhi'od, whose portals noiselessly re--4 V k f ore vou as you enter, whose well-balanced T1 Jmain' not the slightest suspicion of a bang ; , n -oets vou an irreproachable waiter, arrayed cat Of black cloth, white necktie, and nap- ! . ( o<v well-warm«i rooms, in which the garish , T ; h v is subdued to a rosy hue through erimdamask curtains, and mellowed by cunningly lamps st night ; darling white table lmen, hnii mtcutlerv and glass, succulent dinners, honest Tinc ,. jnd steaming punch; yielding arm-chairs, rioting sea-coal fires, velvet-pile hearth rugs, emslippers, contentment and charity to all manKnd Alas, and alas ! fifteen thousand miles of dislends enchantment to the view. Presto, change! we now to our own realities. Let us see hotel No- 1 ' n Christchurch is like. Like, bare: Use a heap of buts ; like a child's house of ard? blown sfkew by the winds ; like anything but *bat it purports to be—a first-class hotel Blistered piim-work. dilapidated shingles, foul verandah, and dirty windows, outwardly. Dirtier windows, flymarked mirror and engravings on the walls, angu Ist chairs-troubled wiib an eruption of horsehair, sua dusty—around the room, and a smirched, sticky uVt. inwardly—as far as we have penetrated. This is :l:e dining, reception, and general sitting room. Here reeks an atmosphere of soup and stale tobacco moke. Here revels in winter the chill sou'-Tp-ter. or in summer the dust-bearing nor'vesi gale. Rattle, window-sash! Creak, weathercrscked door! Jingle, tuneless piano! Blow, rbenmatic draughts! Rest if you can, weary traveller; or. as dinner is nearly ready, let me show T.a to your bedroom. Mind this sharp turn in the dark pismee, and beware -of that broken stair I No there is so lock to the door, people are so honest in tl* ccteiat besides, you are now in a bouse where thieve? arc unknown. Take some water out of the nest py.a. and you can draw the blind if you like— not that jo a will netd it, for they never clean thos e wir-dews—and make haste, for there goes the dinner bel At the dinner table you find a table cloth, n3Dft2rd and gravy pattern, dim tumblers, suspicious cutlery, a meal plentiful and greasy, and an impudent. coitk??. awkward waiter. The company consists of a dozen or so of colonial swells in kneebrttchts, boots and spur* complete. The convcrsatics. :i any, is horsy or sheepy, and, if the latter, is gt:.'.rai!y scabby ; till, at last, towards the close of tie tnrtnauin.eDt. young Hoback. wbo manages De la llur.il.ug s station, breaks out with, "By Jove, ▼hat a miserable day it has been-, by Jove !" and so on. by Jove, tin you are driven out of patience bouse. When you return, you find the coamon room fiiltd with Hoback and his friends, &b desptrate smoters, and by reason of their aristocratit extraction, exclusive, and rather supercilious *:-.hal. I his sends you off to bed, which piece of furniture is covered with a blue blanket and white c-JiDterpane; at night you guess it is stuffed with ' ; ut ' n tnorning you conclude that it is st'jfftd with fleas.

00 dl^oTer that yo«r next door neighbour is po -JtsHid of a peculiarly melodious born, and that he Hwitj. cnndtrable effect • i a other words, that ckkc*, gasj*. wheezes, snuffles and snores loud -tugh to banish sleep from the seven sleepers, if M ' rt ,il( ' re ' The partition of canvas and paper rs 10 * fcl or hindrance to your study of this p •...ondHm, and that, together with more exciting f the time away; till, l 5 you sink into a dream-murdered Hid wake at own to find yourself minus trouj v ,:" d Wat ' 'be landlord is inexpressibly shocked t v,,**" f ,' f{ ' !irr, " rß,( '. l,ut " Are you quite sure you bad you turn " d in? " «e»ds for Peter Pender, , 1B l | I,J ,ast you wiil hear of the affair. You (,!' K ,:ave ha d enough of Hotel Number

r<ir.., p, "°" w '"' e I KI * B<?BS >og «■ strong family " i-iT " e U ' as to an< i ff-rc-'-t' rt ' 1S ' reß l ,fecU » a very difvr.r„. ■ ' r "' * Sn * 1 av °^ 8 tlte public gaze, a* it pa'li' Mf " ~ B,a,K ' H (,ut " n tl,c ' verge of the footiij- P;tlaC( -'' I,a!f s,aWe ; ciia«enging the ° f ! ' <e I,amr , '- v ' —If the 'VH I!; ! ' ar ' ! "" !lie '~ is 1 snuify, neglected old "•"'Ut j* l Jl tiortuiii air of mildewed propriety 'lams,.! Cr ' tlu ' !a " ( ' r 1S tt flaunting, bold-faced "iusttif■ "'i v' ,(> c ' iarms - look you, and they think it',*'" ," e^; ~nt' B - v '' UI(J meretricious you may 'f/ I '' ' Ut V< H,t, ' act ' v <-', nevertheless, and I'-J' i!'" 1 l ' 1(i ' ,UH ' nt,,:s °f the house, which is Br: ' ]s 't<Tn ! ~ V ' ! ' en ' ht!Ult y. in IKJCticaljustice | Jifir • w i.'" n,fctes out poison to the beast! sir * i„, .'' tre unco ' ,tW y dpwswl men fill the ambient rT, ! ' Wdoatllß - Bar!—where fltuhy 111,;rii . 'uul r . i ' l . l v | Cabnitn ' ~rolccn (,ovvn horse-char-Il(;l '^,i>i;rii IL ,"'! ltatt(l " the overflow of our Crt ' w > hold v, , C ° ° ni . e8 ' a f ° u '* mo Hthed, dangerous a '"l ~ot of Urni ' l " 1! Kut we are finest of cage, Sf ' r twif ' * Wc ' r( -'t I could shew you a a ' tflllis lno U !r,', thiS °" r 800<1 tlmt would " s the btilrr' K " e " 8 - "Here landlord, let *'•" the 8u 1 " " U ' l you BCe thc Corns'. tCK) rns f, )r v If an lv J ido you want to see the bedy"u it vIT Hk(i t0 take "»y house as * hert flso and k " 1J orßans ! ~you can go some next? Th ® Verbe<l, m y adjective colonial! tell you th at T ! GXt Wa " a Bpßfcd y and I 180 of my exneri " * gtt OUt of this fl si 3i T e WiU,out accident. ' an fcithtr Of those T \ more ambitious character U,e or lunch ula car, aTe deßcribe d. Here you m per advertisement; and I

may add in a parenthesis, are mulct accordingly. I have often heard this place described as the best hotel in the province. I will not stay to argue the point, but juat tell you what I know about it. Dropping in there ono day to dine, I found the dining-room deserted, except by a young lady, who occupied a bower of bliss and liquor in one corner. Having boon in Prcnce, 1 rather approved of this arrangement, and rang the bell. After waiting a quarter of an hour, and repeatedly ringing, I inquired of Mis# Blank for lhe waiter; she said that Mr. Floorer (the waiter), lived in the next street, but she would send for him, She did so, 1 suppose, for he arrived after some delay; and I ordered dinner, with n request for haste in its preparation, as i was in a hurry. Mr. Floorer opened his eyes at that, and proceeded to remonstrate; but I cut him short, and ho went out grumbling. Three quarters of an hour elapsed, and then came dinner, got up, I must say, in first-rate style; but, just as 1 was enjoying myself, incamc a gentleman, who, as I learned afterwards, was the " Proprietor," (mark that.) He planted himself with legs spread out, and hands in pocket right opposite the table where I was •itting. He stood there scowling at me in tho moat extraordinary manner. This proceeding, as lam rather nervous, causcd mo to bolt my food, and rendered me thoroughly uncomfortable. I pajd my bill in haste—which by-the-by amounted to twelve shillings and sixpence—and I warrant you I shall never go there again. I lived at hotel No. 4 for some time; it i« called a " private hotel," whatover that means, «nd take it for all in all, is about as good a house (relatively) as there is in the province. If the owner would be content to call it a boarding house, I should pass it by; but being another flrst-class hotel, it must not be omitted. By producing references as to my respectability, I obtained a couple of rooms there, at rather a high figure, paid in advance. Everything was scrupulously dean, a hard, stingy sort of cleanliness to be sure, but infinitely preferable to anything I had yet seen in Christchurch. The cooking was very good, of that description known as plain;—very good, if there had been a little more of it; the attendance was unexceptionable, and at first I thought that I had obtained what I was in search of. So the first day, after dinner, I ordered punch, picked out the softest chair in the room, sat down on it before the fire, placed my feet on the mantelpiece, lighted my meerschaum, and was losing myself in a rumination on the " Eternal fitness of things," when—Enter Nemesis. Nemesis, in this instance, appeared in the shape of a servant girl, and she said, " Please, sir, missis says there is no smoking in the rooms." That fiat effectually put my pipe out, and extinguished one of the joys of my existence. Notwithstanding which, and the stinginess of the caterer, whoever he or she was, I believe I should have been there yet, but five guineas a week is too much for such fare, and I left. Hotel No. sis a Commercial Hotel, and a very good house it is, only there is an infernal machine at work in the premises adjoining, pounding away with diabolical energy five nights out of the seven. It is utterly impossible to take your ease in that hotel. Hotel No. 6 is a house in which I lodged for a considerable time, and left unwillingly at last. The house is neat, the table first-rate, the landlord obliging, and the servants as civil as it is possible for colonial servants to be. There are moderate charges and plenty, but not peace—in this wise. I had secured a pretty little bedroom, in the back part of the house, and retired to it early—at, as I suppose, about midnight. I was awakened by a burst of applause in the room immediately beneath me; then came, chorussed by a dozen or two of stentorian voices, this— She'd a bal-ack and a rol-ling eye, Because she was & young thing, Fol the diddle (whoops). Because she was a young thing, Fol the diddle day (whoops ad. lib.). Afterwards a recitation:— Dark was the night! 'fJavens 'igh 'ost of stars, etc.

Then more whoops, and— M Give your orders, gents, the waiter is in the room 1" " Brandy hot 1" "A cup of coffee." "Order, order for a song; Mr. Boss will oblige." Then somebody played a waltz on the piano, and somebody else, as I believe, danced on the table; a general scuffle ensued; the lights were put out, a big dog let in, the tables capsized, and the rest was silence, at about 3.30 a.m. My next door neighbour, who happened to be a Scotchman, told me it was "just a wee bit stramash (pronounced, straw-mash,) the lads were makin', the midnight owls, ye ken." I did not ken, but I found out afterwards that a club, named the Midnight Owls, or Howls—l never obtained the orthography—held their meetings in, and took possession of, the house two or three nights a week. Excepting that it was utterly impossible to sleep on those nights, I have no fault whatever to find with No. 6; and if you can stand that sort of thing, you had better go there. I don't suppose you will look for ease at No. 7, which is three-parts concert hall and the other part tippling sh >j>; or in No. 8, whose back premises is a cess-pool; or in No. 9, which is the Sprig of Shillelagh, and has only three rooms; or in No, 10, where the chimney smokes; yet I can honestly assure you that there is no other choice for you in Canterbury. I don't complain about this state of things. I should like to see an improvement, certainly, and if any enterprising individual or company will provide a hotel where ease can be obtained at a moderate outlay, tliey can put my name down on the list of patrons. In the meantime, I think I have clearly I proved, thit you shall not take your ease at your I hotel.