CANTERBURY GOSSIP.—III.

Lyttelton Times, Volume XXIII, Issue 1361, 18 February 1865, Page 5

CANTERBURY GOSSIP.—III.

AK MA vikumque cano. T *511 not promise thatthe music shall please you; hp doleful, set to a whimper of pam, discor itDW J mirears • but'what would you have ? Give Am vitgU's florid'heroes for atheme, and I will tune me .vpfnl lvre, if there is one to be procured in rhristehurch at a reasonable figure, to a burst of id The heroes of the present generation are clad Tarmour, fabricated for them ahd debited to their ccounts by their too confiding tailors; and helmets Lout of fashion, the material being required for faces • how, then, can be expected from such stuff Other'than a billy-cock-hatted JEneid, a frockcoated epic? Goto! Bring me a jews-harp, find me a hurdy-gurdy, advertise in the Eve.ungMml for a broken down banjo, procure me the Davenport Brothers' melange, or I will not sing, for my subject is as a bottomless tin-kettle, 'tis empty; hark! it sounds, there is nothing in it. ATin Pot isharmless in itself; allowed to rest in its pristine brilliancy on the dust heap, I will stake ray reputation as a gossip that the peace of her Majesty's liege subjects shall not be disturbed thereby; but if you, mischeivous imp and ragged urchin, do of malice prepense; affix the said article to my innocent dog's tail, I will equally guarantee you a sudden confounding of our decency, a most precipitate uprooting of our quiet and scattering of it to the winds. Now, expound me this riddle; shall we, in this tremendous pother, and in revenge for our lost equanimity, annihilate the Tin Pot, and maltreat the Dog, but soothe that bad lad of ours into good behaviour with sticks of sugar candy ? The dog is a beast, I grant you ; he is a cur and a father of curs. May his kennel be defiled! If he ran foul of my shins I should kick him with swift energy, be sure of that; but this miserable wretch, the more you kick him the morehe howls; and if stick in hand you assault and batter the noisy utensil at his tail the result shall not add to your dignity. Besides, there is a contingent danger to be considered; not rery imminent in this country to be sure, where hydrophobia is yet unknown; but it is possible that the poor wretch, done to desperation, may turn round and rabidly pistol that is, bite' you, much to your discomfort, and to the increase of the scandal. I have seen an accident of this kind, and feel rather nervous in consequence, so my advice is, before you get up a chevy, see that j the animal is carefully muzzled. I don't think that you need the warning. From what I could see of your last quarry, you were perfectly secure from such an awkward consequence; and that being the state of things, I felt very uncomfortable and loth to recognize the disreputable row in any shape whatever. But to drop metaphor and to come to figure. If I had a Tin Pot, I would muffle my stick and pound it to smash in the cellar. If I Lad reason to punish a dog, I would tie it up and whip it secretly to my heart's content. If I had a naughty boy, I would sequester him in a dark room. I would do anything in short, rather than have my dirty linen overhauled in public, or my washing done elsewhere than at home.

'Gin a gentleman meetagentleman playing fantastic tricks before high earth with a gentleman's character and 'Gin a gentleman beat a gentleman, and kick a gentleman, and horsewhip a gentleman, why then I thinfr the meeting is most appropriate and satisfactory to all the parties concerned ; but, mind you, while agreeing with sach a Bolution of such a difficulty in the concrete, I must be allowed to raise my voice in defence of the abstract principle of law and order, against rowdyism and demoralization. I would rather not be compelled to say what would be the course of my own action in such a dilemma as the one a candidate found himself in the other day. I am, happily, not called upon to practise; my function at present is only to preach, from a very discreditable text, about a very silly piece of business. If this affair had taken place between any other parties, the matter would have been settled without scandal to the vhole community. If Jack, with blood aflame, deals Bill a floorer with a hedgestake, or if Pat beats Judy with the poker, the police shoulder them off to the lock-up, and they are made to repent their pugnacity on the treadmill; but if a 6eeker of Parliamentary honours do batter, bruise, and lash in cold blood a creature top weak for resistance, then due weight must be given to his social position, and Pat's pestiferous squabble is, in this case, developed as the reparation of wounded honour. The weapon used to slay more than life is of a more aristocratic character than the favourite rolling - pin of Bet ; but a five - pound note is not—a hundred five-pound notes are not—a plaster sufficient to heal the insidious wound it has inflicted. Bah! I would rather be brayed to death in a mortar, than offer that welt across the face to the inspection of a doctor and my commiserating friends. Yet I have no sympathy for the sufferer. I try hard to get up a little indignation on his behalf, but without avail. I will not say, in a court of justice, that he is a " frightful cur," if I think it. I will not state publicly that he " ought to be whipped by the hangman at the cart's tail," for it is an outrage on public decency so to do; but I cannot pity him, I know I ought to do so, but the task is too much. I find that I can only look with aversion and disgust on every one connected with the disgraceful exhibition, and cry shame alike on outrager and outraged. There is no fault to be found, with the punishment, perhaps; but there is fault to be found with the publicity given to it. I, Mr. Presentwriter, feel grievously wronged in being called on to judge this matter. It is not because I take one extreme view, and say Mr. Anderson is a cowardly blackguard, and Mr. Brooke is a martyr, that I feel aggrieved; Ido not think that such is the case. On the other hand, my conscience will not allow me to contribute to the shilling subscription, raised by " numerous friends " to defray the fine imposed by justice. I would not, for the world, permit myself to form part of a triumphal car, and bear the hero aloft to the next Hotel; and oh! most of all, I would eschew that sparkling moselle and riotous wind-up,

that fitting conclusion to what has been,

I am glad to say, exceptional case here — the mixing up of private affairs j with politics. I will not consider the provocation. I refuse to examine any part of the case except that which meets the eye. I know nothing, and object to being informed of what led to the quarrel; with that I have nothing to do. I can only see a would-be law-maker dragged before a magistrate to answer for doing what my reason tells me is wrong; and yet my feelings applaud him for the trangression. And this is my grievance in common with many, I think. If it could have been done without our hearing of it, or if we could quietly ignore the transaction altogether, I should say—bene, well done; but as it has turned out, I think that mischief will ensue, for there are many who, -while refusing their support to a Government they dislike, will think twice before giving their vote to one who thinks there is argument in a man, an arm, and a cane.