Humour

Lake County Press, Issue 2794, 17 July 1919, Page 2

Humour

‘•'Why did the whale cast up Jonah?’’ Because it was afraid it would be med for food hoarding - .” Dick—What are you laughing at? Mary—Your whiskers. Dick—ls there anything humorous in their appearance? Mary—No; but somehow they tickle me. “A happy marriage,” exclaimed the widow, “is' like a beautiful dream.” “Whv? Because people go into it with their eyes shut?” asked the bachelor ! girlWife —I wish we had a nice house where we could give a dance ! Hus-band-Just for the pleasure of inviting some of vour friends, eh? Wife —Yes; and the pleasure of not inviting others. “He doesn’t seem to have altered in the least during the last three years.” “No —but he imagines he has.” “Oh, | how’s that?” “He’s always saying what a fool he was!” Mr. Will Makcm had just popped the question to Miss Klderleigh, the lady of his choice. “I am sorry, she answered resolutely, “I cannot marry you. I’m sure you never saw any encouragement written on my face. “Ah, true!” sighed the rejected one, “I suppose it was because of my in ability to read between the lines. Recentlv at a railway station a boy who looked about 14 years of age, who was smoking a cigarette, went up to the booking-office and said— Half a return to ?” ‘‘What! A kid like vou smoking?” ventured the booking-clerk. noticing the boy s cigarette. “Who’re vou calling a kid, aw’m sixteen,” replied the lad impertinently. “Oh, you are; well, full fare, please!” Louise, nine years old, asked her mother- 1 ‘Where is papa going? “To a stag party,” she replied VVhat is a stag party, mamma? Sister Mabel, seven years old. who had been listening, with a dignified attitude 01 superior wisdom, answered instantn, “It’s where they stagger. Don t you know?” A certain Tudgc was trying a tasc where a dealer sued a steamship company for the loss of some pigs in a fire "on board a cross-Channel boat It came out in evidence that the steamer had a large deck load, and here the damage was greatest The Tudge thus began his charge to A jury—“ Gentlemen, to put those pigs on deck was *a rash act. but to fry them was a rasher.” Hard Lines. I adv: “Can’t you find work?” Tramp: “Ycssum; but everyone vants a reference from my last emilover.” , T'-vdy “And can’t vou get one? ; Tramp: “No, mum. Yer see, he s icen dead twenty-eight years. \n Old Hand. After two months as RockWd I n •ate Nelson got his lenVe .at la§,t, am „nde what he conceived to be the best IS e of his holiday bv getting married. On the journey back at the station e the gateman his marriage cerificate in mistake for his return railstudied it carefully, and '“Yes aid mv boy. vou’ye got a ticket jr a long, wearisome journey, but not n this road.”