Humour

Lake County Press, Issue 2792, 3 July 1919, Page 2

Humour

"And so your wife gets along on comparatively little, does she?" "Yes —that is, on little compared with what the thinks she ought to have."

Mr. Dyer—"Where is the bargain counter?" The Shopivulker "There are several, air. Yvhat are you looking for?" Mr. Dyer—"l'm looking for my wife."

Husband—"The doctor savs if I keep up this race for money I'll break down when I am forty." Wife—"Never mind, dear. By that time we shall be able to afford it."

Miss Forty Summers—"l had « proposal last night and refusec it." Miss Crusher—"You are alway ; thinking of the welfaro of others, aren't you, dear?"

"What is your son going to do now that ho has left college, Mrs. Spriggins?" "1 don't know exactly. He's talkin' of going to law; but I've heard tell as how there's lot o' money in bankruptcy, an' I'd like to have him try that."

The Man —"I heard you tell the census man you were thirty. When you married me a year ago you said you were twenty-two.'' The Woman — —"Ah, how .time flies when one is happy!"

Frantic Foozler: "Look here, if I catch you grinning at me again I'll knock your ugly head off with my club." "Equally Frantic Caddie: "I don't believe yer could, unless yer aimed at summat else."

"How old are you?" asked the barrister of a hostile lady witness. The lady in the box hesitated. "Don't hesitate," remarked counsel, "the longer you do so the older you will be."

Dora—"How many times did you refuse Jack before you accepted him?" Ethel—"Only once. He seemed so discouraged, I was afraid to try it again." "Dootor, how soon do you think I' be well enough to eat things that don' j agree with me?"

Bookstall Assistant on train platform (calling across to the sub-stall boy)—" Hello! Have you got a Ladies' Dress over there?" Sub-stall Boy—"No, there ain't nuffink o' the kiud 'ere, but I could lend you a pair uf trousers if they're any good."

First tramp—"Once I was in a fail way ter becomin' a millionaire, but a, labour-savin' device ruined Second tramp—"Yer don't say so! How was that?" First Tramp—"l was gettin' on nicely as a barman in a publichouse when the boss bought a cash register."

"Do animals possess the sentiment of affection?" asked the teacher of small Margaret. "Yes, ma'am, almost always." "Correct," said the teacher. Turning to young Harold—"And now tell me what animal has the greatest natural fondness for man?" With but a slight pause the little fellow answered—"Woma*-"

,! A long-suffering liusband had a wif« i who seemed to b© perpetually talking After driving him almost frantic one evening with her conversation, she remarked:— • “John, I suppose when I die, you’ll have a mausoleum built in my mem- ■ ory ?” ; “I will do nothing of the sort,” returned the exasperated John. “When you die I will have you cremated and your ashes placed in an hour-glass. Then you can keep on going for ever.” THE COWARD. The hooting of a motor-’bus was heard as a passenger and railway porter were talking. “Oh. dear me,” said the passenger, “the sound of those motor-horns makes me go queer all over.” “Whv?” asked the porter. “Why,” was the reply, “a motordriver ran away with my wife.” “Ah.” said the porter, “and it upsets vou to think of it?” “No. it’s not that,” replied the distressed one; “I am afraid he might be bringing her back.”