Humour

Lake County Press, Issue 2791, 26 June 1919, Page 2

Humour

"Dorothy, is that sweetheart of yours an auctioneer?" "Xo, father. Why?" "Because he keeps on saying he's going—going—going, but he hasn't gone yet! Mrs. Henpeck (aftejr a long lecture) —Well? What are you standing there staring at me like that for? Mr. Henpeck—l was only thinking, my dear, how pretty you look with your mouth shut. Bashful Youth Will you take this chair. Miss Ethel—Oh, no. It has no arm. Bashful Youth (eagerly)—l shall be most happy—ah—to supply the deficiency, I assure you. And he did. "It's seven o'clock, Jack; We must run home." "No; if Igo home now I shall be whipped for being so late. I'm going to stay till nine, and then I'll get sweets and kisses because I'm not drowned." They were out for a walk together me evening, when it suddenly turned ,-ery cold. She—Oh, my fingers are ;o cold! He—Well, why didn't you iring a muff? She—l did! He has >een considering ever since if her renark had any reference to himself.

A farmer in the country last autumn gave a job to a seedy-looking individual, who had applied to him, and who assured him that he never got tired, When the employer went to the field where he had put the tramp to work, he found the latter lolling on his back under a tree. "What does this mean?" asked the employer. "I thought you were a man who never got tired?" "I don't," calmly responded the tramp. "This doesn't tire me."

I Near a courthouse in a county town there was a common. During a trial a barrister was in the middle of his speech for the defence, when a donkey outside began to bray. The Judge, a noted wit, put up his head at this juncture, and said to the counsel, J "Kindly stop a minute. lam unable to hear two at once." A little later, when the Judge was summing up, the donkey again brayed, and the counsel stood up and said, "Would your Lordship mind speaking a little louder? There is an echo in court!"

... CETTINC BACK AT HER. ... Mrs. Hyde: "I understand that ' your grandfather was once in erade." ]' Mrs. Doyle: "He would have been • in longer if your grandfather had paid I him what he owed him."

LIMITED OPPORTUNITIES.

First Tramp: "One third of a man's life is spent in sleep." Second Tramp: "And another third in jail, and what does that leave a feller for the practice of his profession? WASTE OF ENERCY. First Youngster: "I 1 ade Ugly ■aces at vour bi<z brother the ether lav, but I don't think he saw me." Second Youngster: 'Yes, he did:, mt he thought they were natural." THE STRAICHT TIP. First Waiter: "Did that Al'. : 2om« mchman give you 'i tip. Second Waiter: 'I should F9J hed He told me if I didn't step lively >'d blow my whiskers ff with his reliver." ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDEST. 'Niver say a word whin ye foind yer tin' angry," said Mr. Dolan. "l?e mber silence is golden.' 'lt's the good Tile, 1 answ.-ied Mr. fferty. "Waste no word;; smash »