Humour.

Lake County Press, Issue 2737, 6 June 1918, Page 7

Humour.

"Didn't your wife bring anything, with her when she married you?" "Yes—a mother-in-law." "I don't understand what all the girls see in Jack Smith. He's ashomely as sin." "Yes, and just as at tractive." "Do you think tho English ton£,j« will ever become a dead language?" "Of course, it will. It's being murdered erej-y day." "Do vou know, old chap, it costs me £IO,OOO a year to live." "That's a lot of money. Do vou really think it's worth it?" He—"There goes the honestest gii in the world." She—"How's that?" He--"She won't even take a kiss without returning it." Raze—"How are you paying for that set of Shakespeare?" Daze—"Five bob down, and half n crown every time the collector sees me first." "I've just inherited ten thousand pounds. Would you advise me to invest it in stocks.?" * "Well, I don't know of any quicker way to get rid of it," "The proof of the pudding is in the eating," remarked the cook. "Very true," said tho diner, "but sometimes it requires an autopsy to find it." Charlie: "Your wife doesn't seem to improve in health." Harry—"No; as fast as she gains strength she uses it up telling people what is the matter with her." "My uncle died yesterday, sir, and 1 want you to officiate at the funeral. Can you say something nice about him?" "But I didn't know him." "Good! You're just the man I want." Sin. —An attempt to control tin immutable and unalterable laws o; everlasting righteousness, goodness, and truth, upon which the universe depends.- Dr. Whicbcote. Little Willie "Pa. I'll he awfully glad when T get old enough to do as I please." Pa--"Naturally, my son; and when you reach that age it's nut to nothing you'll get married and not do it."

Tramp—"Can't you give me somethin' to cat, ma'am?" Lady of the FJouso—"Yes, would you like a pieco of home-made pie?" Tramp- "I asked for food, ma'am, not work." .Mamma "Tommy, dear, your Aunt Mary will lie here for dinner to-day. Ro sure and wash your face and handi before coming to the table." Tommy"Yes, mother" hesitatingly "but suppose she doesn't come?" ••Women claim thai the way to gel on with a man is to give him plenty of nicely cooked food." "Well," an vwored Mr. Sirius Barker, irritably, 'why don't some of them try it?" Young Minister (disgusted) preached to a congregation of asses today." "Church Member—"l noticed thai you called them your 'dear brothers.' " "Funny it is you always find a thing in the very last place you look." "It 1 ," only natural." "How's that?" "Be cause you leave of looking when you'vi found it stupid." ' Mother -"Why don't you yawn when lie stays too long? He'll take the hint and go." Daughter—"l did, and he told me what beautiful teeth I had." '■ friendship closes its eyes, rather than see the moon eclipsed; while malice denies that it is over at tb# full.—Hare. "There's no use in taking a newspaper; you can't hud anything out from one." "Oh, yes, you can ; you can find out what the weather isn't going to be." "That now maid of ours is a wonder. When she came to us two mouths ago she couldn't understand a word wo said to her." "And now?" "And now she won't." "When your mother-in-law fell into the water why didn't you help to got her out?" "My dear madam, you must know that nothing 1 ever have ilono has pleased her." "Black, a white man, and White, a black man, thought a fellow namec Brown was pretty green, and tried tc. ... i]| him a white horse. But Brown v. : , well read, and he deceived them both, in fact, he got all the money they had." I "And now ?" i "And now Black and White are blue."