Odds and Ends.

Lake County Press, Issue 2391, 31 August 1911, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

‘‘Were yon over in a railroad disaster?” “Yes—l once kissed the wrong girl while going through a tunnel.” In the beginning, the woman sits down and waits for a husband ; in the end, she sits up and waits for him. “Do yon always do as your mother tells yon?” asked the minister. “Yes,” answered the five-year-old, “and so does papa.” Miss Bcaconhill—“What are the most disagreeable features about your school, Johnnie?” Johnnie—“The teacher’s.”

“Please, mum, I’m starving, and—” “You clear out, or I’ll call the dog!” “Dog, mum? Lor, bless yer, I don’t eat dog!” “Yon should have faith in human nature,” raid the man of kindly instincts. “Yes,” sneered the sour-faced official, “and lose my job as Customs inspector.” •T see one of your battleships reported fast in the mud.” “Well?” “1 was just thinking that a ship fast in the mud ought to bo a record-break-er on the open sea.” Diner: “I say, waiter, what’s the difference between ‘sherry’ and ‘fine old sherry?’” Waiter (confidently): “Just the cobwebs on the outside of the bottle, sir!” Mistress; “Would you care to have this last season’s hat of mine, Mary?” Mary; “Oh, than you so much, mum. It’s just the one my young man likes me in best.” Mother; “Why did yon not scream when John kissed you?” Daughter: “He threatened.” Mother: “How?” Daughter: “He said ohat if I did he’d never kiss roe again.’’ “Don’t i give yon all the money yon need ” her husband complained. “Yes,” she replied, “but you told me before we were married that you would give me all I wanted.” “So you have decided to call in another doctor?” “I have,” was the reply. “The absurdity of the man prescribing linseed-tea and mustard plasters for people of our position!” ILLUSTRATING HIS POINT. Two little country urchins were not old enough to go to school. “What makes a horse act naughty when he sees a motor?” asked one. “Why, it’s this way,” said the wiser one. “Horses is used to seein’ other horses pull waggons, and they don't know what to think of ’em going along without a horse. Why if you saw a pair of trousers walkin’ down the street without a man in ’em you’d be scared too.”

MILK AND WATER. A clergyman had been for some time displeased with tho quality of the milk served him. At length ho determined to remonstrate with his milkman for supplying such unworthy stuff. He began mildly: “I’ve been wanting to see you with regard to the quality of tho milk with which you are serving me.” "Yes, sir,” uneasily answered tho tradesman. “I only wanted to say,” continued the minister, “that I use the milk for drinking purposes exclusively, and lot for christening!” ALL HAD A TURN. A doctor recently ordered a pair of ;rousers from a tailor. On trying hem on they proved to he several indies too long. It being late on Saturlay night, the tailor’s shop was clos'd. and the doctor took tho trousers o his wife and asked her to cut the urplus off and hem it over. The good ady, whose dinner had perhaps disagreed with her, snappishly refused, 'he same results followed appeals to the ife's sister and the eldest daughter, lefore bedtime the wife, relenting, ook the trousers and, cutting off six u hes from the legs, hemmed them up icely, and restored them to the enpoard. Half an hour later the daugh. er. filled with sorrow for her had con. net, took the trousers, and. cutting oft ix inches, hemmed and replaced them, 'inally. the sister-in-law felt the pangs f conscience, and she too performed n additional surgical operation on the arment. When the doctor appeared t breakfast on Sunday morning in the cry abbreviated garment, it was some me before matters were properly exla i nod.