Odds and Ends.

Lake County Press, Issue 2390, 24 August 1911, Page 7

Odds and Ends.

'Who broke ihc milk jug?" The •at knocked that clown, ma'am. 'What cat?" "Haven't we got >ne?" Customer: "Have you any fly-pa->ers?" Bookseller: "No, madam, c have nothing at all on the subject if aviation." "So you think advertising pays?" No; 1 advertised for a wife once." •And failed to get one?" "No. got inc." Mother (reprovingly): "Don't you now that vou should never let a man iss you?" Daughter: "But, mamma, t seems so forward for the girl to do tie kissing." ••Why do you call 'em •riefs. pa? Are they so short?'•No, my son, but by the time they ;et ihrocgh with them the lawyers' lients are." "It is said we shall all be rich two housand years from now." "My , ife will be delighted to hear that. ' 'Why?" "I have promised her a lotor car when we are rich." Rustic: "What be you fishin' for, lister?" Fisherman: "Oh—er —just or recreation." Rustic: "Well, you ,-on't catch any. There be only minows and eels there." The teacher was telling about the [ifferent. seasons. He asked: "Now, me of you boys, tell me which is the >roper season to gather apples?'' ohnnie: "When the dog's chained." {ere lies a chaffeur, who, on earth, korched round for all that he was worth ; [f he gets his deserts, I vow, somewhere he must be scorching now. "How often, my good man," said he stranger at the way station, "do he trains stop here?" "The trains top here," said the sour station porer "only once. After that, they tart." This advertisement comes from :ambridge: "Wanted, a steady, resectable young man to look after a anion and milk a cow who has a rood voice and is accustomed to sing n the choir." Dad: "James, where have you been ill afternoon?" James: "Been lookng at the cricket match through a mot-hole in the fence." Dad: "\ou lave, have vou ? Er—where is that cnot-hole?" Lady (to tramp) : "I have some leftiff children's clothing. Would they •e of any use to you ? Are you maried?" "No, indeed, I'm not. ma'am nd it's the only bit of good luck I jver had." Rodrick: "The landlord of this maintain hotel says his parting ,-uests should stop on the front porch ind see the finishing touches of sumnor." Van Albert: "Yes, that is # a here he hands you his bill." CHANCES OF TIME. •■('dad to sec ye, sir—glad to see yc!" exclaimed the host. "Why, it must be—let me think —ten years dnce vou came to our parts." "Yes; times change—eh?" replied he old gentleman, meditatively. "Thev do, sir," replied his host. 'But vou don't seem to suffer from hat complaint. Your wife's changed nore'n vou, if 1 may say so." "Indeed!" said the old man. "Ay. she looks thinner than when he was here last. Used to be —plump. (irown a bit taller, too, lin't she? Afraid she's not the same icalth, sir. She's not the same complexion——" "In fact," replied the old man, dryv. "she's not the same wife!" A FIXTURE. Brown was making a few purchases it the stores and while being served H' observed a sovereign lying on the Joor. Quivering with excitement, and glancing to see that no one was matching him, he ciuite accidentally ?) dropped one of his gloves on top if the coin, and picked up his glove, nit not so the sovereign, which still vmained on the floor. lust as lie was in the act of making i second attempt, an assistant ap•loachcd him and blandly said: "(iOod evening, sir. Will you alow nic to show vou a bottle of our elehrated liquid glue, which sticksBut Brown had vanished.