MR. SPOOPENDYKE BRINGS A FRIEND HOME TO DINNER.

Lake County Press, Issue 1066, 28 May 1903, Page 6

MR. SPOOPENDYKE BRINGS A FRIEND HOME TO DINNER.

" Say, my dear," whispered Mr. Spoopendyke, closing the door carefully and approaching his wife with a broad grin on his visage. ''Say, my dear, Speeklewottle's downstairs in the parlour. He lias come to take dinner with us." " Great gracious !' exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, dropping her work and bustlin up to to the glass to arrange her hair. '■ What did he come to-day for ? Don't he know it's wash day ?" "He came for dinner!" retorted Mr. Spoopendyke, turning pale about, the lips. "What d'ye s'pose he came for ? To be washed ? What's wash cUy got to do with it 2 Think the man can bo soaked in a tub and hung over the clothes line with a measly wooden pin astride the small of his back ? Well he didn't; he came for grub, and you want to bustle around and get it pretty lively for him, or I'll begin to scr\e up things myself before long !" '• But, my dear," remonstrated Mis. Spoopendyke. " There's nothing in the house! The clothes " " Then serve up the clothes," roared Mr. Spoopendyke. who had utterly foigolten the day of the week when he invited his friend, and now wanted his wife to get him out of the scrape somehow, and at the same time not let him down with Specklewottle. " Just pat tho clothed on a platter, and set 'em afore him ! You can explain to him that we only eat three times a week, like a dog in hot weather! That'll fcatisfy him, sc long as he has the clothes to eat!" " You don't imagine he would want to eat the clothes, do you?" asked Mrs. Spoopendyke, innocently. "Just try them!" yelled Mr. Spoopendyke,enraged at the idea of being taken literally. " Just try in in. and sling in some of the natural grace you always put on at the table ! ' Mr. Specklewottle have some of this fricasseed petticoat?' " and Mr.Spoopendvke held nut the of his trousers as a woman holds her skirts and waltzed round the room. "'Mr. Specklewottle have a little of this poached nightshirt? Now, Mr. Specklewottle, do try one of these fried socks and a slice of the pillow case,! Dear Mr. Spiecklowotlle, pray let me help you to a piece of this shirt collar and a pair of stuffed cull's! I madj them myself.and though they are not so good as Unit's the way to do it!" continued Mr. Ppoopondyke, suddenly concluding his remarks with a war whoop, and presenting himself bcfoie his wife all out of breath. " Think you've got that bill of fare all right? See your way clear to a successful dinner early now?" " There's some cold fish downstairs, and 1 think there is a raw ham in the cellar," ruminated Mrs. Spoopendyke, regarding her husband with a startled look of inquiry, as if asking if he. thought Sprecklewottle would mind the meat being raw and the fish a trifle cold. "1 don't think he has anything at home on Mondays except cabbage and beans l)r perhaps he may have dough-nuts and pie." she continued, hastily, seeing htr husband swelling with a retort. " And I'm sure dough-nuts and pie are good." " That's what he wauls" howled Mr.Spoopendyki-. " Bring for tli tho fish that froze to death in the house of Spoopendyke! Produce the ham with a crumpled horn that milked the fish that froze to death in tho house of Spoopendyke! Develop the banquet and let joy be uuconlined. Ain't ye got any more sense than a buogbole ? Think I'm going to bring the aristocracy here to fatten on dead fish aud live hogs ? How Ijng are you going to let that man sit downstairs in a state of starvation ? Where's that roast of beef 1 brought home the other day ?" " 1 think we ate chat all up the day it come home,'' sighed Mrs, Spoopendyke. "Do you mean that roast with the queer little sticks in it ?" "The same." replied Mr. Spoopendyke, nerving himself for another ordeal. ■' Did we cut the slicks '." Aud in the excess of hi i emotion Mr. Spoopendyke gasped for breath, aud, testing his hands on his knees, looked as if he wete inviting his wife to a little game of leap-frog. " There's some lettuce in the house, and 1 bi ught some strawberries to-day, and I could cook the steak I had saved over for breakfast," murmured Mrs. Spoonendyke, coming out triumphantly in the end, woman like. '• And J will put on my new wine-coloured sat.iu, aud we will give him a nice supper." ' Going to put that wine-coloured satin oil the fish or the ham?" howled Mr. Hpoopend\ ke, who had a man's idea that a dinner is not a dinner until it's roasted. ''Think I brought that man here at six o'clock iu the afifirnoon to take breakfast? (Jot some kind of a notion that cold fish, raw ham. wormy lettuce, green strawberries, and a fiied cow arc going to satisfy the cravings of a men, who has just won a bet of a dinner on —" But here Mr. Spoopendyke stopped short. The last revelation was unintentional. ■ Was it a bet.dear ?"' asked Mts.Spoopendyke opening her eyes in astonishment. '■ Did you bring Mr. Specklewottle home here on a bet ? If 1 had known that, and you had given me time, 1 would have had a nice supper for you. 1 don't suppose that he would care for a cold meal, under the circumstances. I really think " " That settles it." squealed Mr. Suoopendylte, mad at himself for what he had divulged, aud angrier still as he saw that he must explain to Specklewottle how he was fixed. " When you commence to think, the free list is entirely suspended. Some day when 1 catch you thinking, I'm going to diive a spigot in your head and advertise science on tup; beok science extra; free lunch from 11 to 1." And with this prospectus Mr. Spoopendyke daslud downstairs and explained to Mr. Specklewottle that, owing to Mrs. Spoopendyke having a seveie headache, they had better postpone the dinner or go to a restaurant. ___________