IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXIII, Issue 4816, 28 July 1939, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Andy: What kind of meat is this? Waiter: Spring lamb, sir.

Andy: I thought so! I've been chewing on one of the springs for an hour.

Customer: Disgraceful! I put my umbrella down for just one minute and it has gone.

Manager: Well, you are lucky, sir —it has just stopped raining.

"I can let you have this car with accessories, spare parts, pumps and jacks! Yes, even with all the route maps." "Urn —but what about the railway guide?"

First shipping clerk (reading report of Cabinet Minister's speech): I hope this is true. He says the battle against depression is won. Colleague: Let's show it to the boss and perhaps he'll cease firing.

"That girl Ben is to marry is certainly accomplished. She can swim, dance, play golf under 80, drive, and fly a 'plane." "They should get along fine. You know, Ben can cook."

The managing director frowned at the letter which his secretary had brought him to sign. Then he rang the bell for the chief clerk.

"Now, look here Smith," he fumed, "that new girl you've engaged is no good at all. Just look at this letter! And I particularly emphasised the importance of grammar." "Grammar!" cried Smith in dismay. "Good gracious, sir, I thought you said glamour!"

Boxer: Have I done that guy any damage? Second: Not yet, but keep on swinging. You've got a swell chance of giving him pneumonia with the draught.

"Would you put yourself out for me, John?" "Certainly I would, darling." "Please do. It's after twelve, and I'm awfully sleepy.'

The regiment was trekking through the desert. One recruit sat sadly on a stone, his head in his hands. Sergeant: What's the matter with him? Private: Home-sickness.

Sergeant: We've all got that

Private: Yes, but his is worse than for most of us —his father keeps a pub in the Old Kent Road!

A live kitten with a stamped, addressed label attached to it has been found in an Australian pillar box. No doubt the local absent-minded professor put a letter out for the night at the same time.

A man stayed the night with a friend who kept an inn. At supper he was served with some ultra-prime Stilton cheese. Unable to touch it, and not wishing to offend his pal, he hid it in the bottom of a plant. About a fortnight later he received a telegram from his friend. It read: "We know who it is, and we know what it is, but for goodness sake, tell us where it is."

Uncle George: So this is the baby, eh? I used to look just like him at that age. What's he crying about now?

Little Niece: Oh, Uncle George, he heard what you said.

First Student: I got a wonderful letter from my -father to-day. Second Student: You did! How much did he send you?

Little Johnny should have been hard at his homework. As it was, his father found him listening to the wireless and sucking his pencil. "Well," asked father-, "why don't you get on with your work?" "I can't, dad," came Johnny's reply, "until I've heard the latest news bulletin. You see I've got to draw a map of Europe."

A woman of recently acquired wealth was discussing with an artist the portrait of herself which she had asked him to paint. "Shall I paint you in evening dress?" the artist inquired. "Oh, no," replied the woman, "don't make any fuss at all—just wear your overalls."

Uncle Ned: Look, grandma still wears a bustle! Nephew: You're a back number, Uncle Ned. That's a parachute!

Mr.: For goodness sake, Maria, stop making that alarm clock go off! What's the idea, anyway?

Mrs.: I only want to make the neighbours think we have a -tele - phone.

Counsel (cross-examining a farmer) : Now, don't quibble! Do you understand a simple problem or not?

Witness: I do

Counsel: Then tell the Court this: If 15 men ploughed a field in five hours how long will 30 men take to plough the same field?

Witness: They couldn't do it. Counsel: Why not? Witness: Because the 15 men have already ploughed it!

"I can," said the young man to the director of the film company, "swim, dive, run and auto, fly an aeroplane, fence, box, shoot, ride a horse, run a motor-boat, play golf, fight, make love, fall off cliffs, rescue heroines, play football, die naturally, and kiss a girl."

"But," interrupted the director, "can you act?" "Alas!" muttered the would-be screen hero, "I never thought of that!"

"Engaged!" growled the director. And another screen star was born

Panting and perspiring, two Irishmen on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of the steep hill. "That was a stiff climb, Pat," said the first.

"Sure and it was that," said Pat. "And if I hadn't kept the brake on v/e would have gone backwards."

Mr. Brown: These roosters next door awakened me early again this morning.

Mrs. Brown: Yes, but remember when you got up early one morning you crowed about it for a week.

Sister: Where can I put this so I won't forget it when I go out? Brother: On the looking-glass.

"I shall put you fellows in this room," said the host; "you'll have a comfortable night, for it has a feather bed." At two o'clock in the morning one of the guests awoke.

"Change places with me, Dick," he said; "it's my turn to lie on the feather."

Joe was proud of his golf, and had brought his mother-in-law along to watch him play with a friend. "I'm particularly anxious to make a terrific drive just now," Joe told his friend. "My mother-in-law is over there and I "

"Don't be a fool, you'll never hit her at 200 yards!"

Mrs. Mulcahy; An' why did yez keep Mickey in after school?

Teacher: I asked him who George Washington was and he only stood and looked at me.

Mrs. Mulcahy: It's dumbfounded the b'y was at your ignorance, likely.

They were discussing a silver butter dish which they hoped to send to newly married friends. Wife: What shall we put on the cards?

Husband (reading the paper): Oh, just the usual dope, I suppose. Wife (after a few moments): How about this: "For butter —or worse"

Jack: Why hasn't All" turned up this morning? Joe: He met with an accident when he got married.

Jack: Why, how did that happen?

Joe: His mates held their picks in the form of an arch as he came out of the church, and the noon whistle sounded,

"What time do they start work in your office? "I don't know. They're always at it when I get there."

"May I be off work to-morrow?" "Why?" "It's my silver wedding day." "Are you to have this every twenty-five years?"

Robinson's whisky was disappearing in a manner which he thought suspicious. So he talked to his new housekeeper about it. "Your predecessor," he said, "wa,s a very trustworthy woman. You see that bottle '

"I hope, sir," interrupted the housekeeper, "you don't think that I would stoop to touch it. I come from honest English parents and—" "I'm not grumbling at your parents," retorted Robinson. "It's your Scotch extraction that I'm complaining of."

A writer complains of the number of notices to clients placed about in American hotels. An Aberdonian, upon leaving a New York hotel, saw over the cashier's office a notice which read, "Have you left anything?" So the Scot went back to his room and took the soap and towels.

"When I challenged the burglar he threatened to blow my brains out." "And did he?"