IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXIII, Issue 4813, 21 July 1939, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

"Fine piece of land out here!" said the dusty, shrewd-looking man as he descended from his shiny motor car outside the farmer's house.

"You're right there," replied the farmer eagerly, scenting a buyer of his sterile acres. "It's the best in the country.

"Bit high a figure for a poor man I reckon?" asked the stranger.

"It's worth every penny of thiry pounds an acre," answered the farmer with an eye to business. "Were you thinking of buying and settling in these parts?" "Hardly," murmurred the traveller, making some notes in a book. "I'm the new tax assessor!"

A man took a clock to a pawnbroker in an effort to get some money.

"Is it an eight-day clock?" asked the pawnbroked. "I don't know," replied the man. "I've never had it more than four at a time."

Brown (meeting happy father in street): Congratulations, old boy, I hear you've got a son. Smith (who lives in a nearby neighbourhood): Gracious! Can you hear him all that distance?

Parson: I was very pleased to see you at our prayer meeting last night, brother.

Village Toper: So that's where I was! Well, I'm jiggered!

"Where's the car?" the professor's wife asked the professor.

"Did I take the car?"

"Certainly you did."

"Well, I thought it strange. When I got out at the post office I turned round to thank the gentleman who had given me a lift and he wasn't there.

A man at a boarding house said to the maid on the morning after his arrival: "I say, you might take this back. If it's my morning cup of tea it's too weak. If it's my shavingwater it's too strong."

An American in England was giving some illustrations of. the size of his country. "Say," he said impressively, "you can get into a train in the State of Texas at dawn, and twenty-four hours later you'll still be in Texas." "Yes," said one of his English listeners. "We've got some pretty slow trains, too."

Guest (at party): Where is that pretty maid who was handing out cocktails a while ago? Hostess: Oh, are you looking for a drink?

Guest: No. I'm looking-for my husband.

"How did you know this to be a bachelor's apartment?" "There's no chair by the telephone."

"What about the five pounds you promised to pay me back in the spring?" "What? Have you the cheek to call this awful weather spring?"

Brown and Smith were walkingdown Northland Street when they were passed by a smartly dressed woman. Smith was sure that he knew her.

"I say, Brown, old man," he remarked, "do you know that woman across the street?"

"She certainly looks familial"," came Brown's reply. "It's my wife's dress, my daughter's hat, my mother-in-law's umbrella—why, of course! It's our cook."

Customer: I want a nice, firm cabbage. Former Haberdasher: A fairly large head, ma'am—say, about seven and three-eighths?

Street Corner Speaker: It's knowledge we want. Ask the average man when Magna Carta was King of England, and he can't tell you.

"How did your potato crop turn out, old chap?" asked one ardent amateur gardener of his neighbour. "Splendid," replied the other. "Some were as big as marbles, some as big as peas, and, of course, there were quite a lot of little ones."

Suburban Resident: It's simply grand to wake up in the morning and hear the leaves whispering outside

your window. City Man: It's all right to hear the leaves whisper, but I never could stand hearing the grass moan.

Paul: Can any of you schoolgirls tell me what a mandate is? Jane: Yes, sir, an appointment with a gentleman.