IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXIII, Issue 4810, 14 July 1939, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

The tourist was visiting an Indian reservation.

"White man very glad to meet Red man,' he said to the chief. "White man hopes big chief is "feeling very good." "Hi, fellows," shouted the Indian to his equally up-to-date followers, "come and listen to this guy! He's great!"

A great banker said to a young matron: "I am ashamed of my failure to keep abreast of modern science. Take the electric light, for instance. I haven't the least idea how it works."

The young matron gave him a patronising smile. "Why," said she, "it's very simple really. You just press a button and the light comes on —that's all there is to it!"

"Mother and father think we ought to wait at least a month before getting married. "I dislike these long engagements." "So do I, John. But we have to give them enough time to find a larger apartment."

At school the first time, the small boy started to sob bitterly. "What's the matter, Willie?" asked the teacher.

"Aw—l don't like school. And mother says I've got to stay here till I'm 14."

"Don't let that worry you," said the teacher. "I've got to stay till I'm 65."

"Lost your job as a caddy?" asked one boy.

"Yes,' replied the other. "I could do the work all right, but I couldn't learn not to laugh."

"Dad, do you remember the time when you told me that you were expelled from school?" "Yes, my son." "Well, isn't it funny how history repeats itself?"

"What a delicious meal! You surely must have an old family cook." "Yes; she's been with us more than a month now."

Mrs. Jones: Do you think we have enough ice cream and cake for 20 small boys?

Hostess: Oh, yes. I made sure of that; I invited their mothers.

"Please, sir," said the angel child to the curate who was helping at the Sunday school treat, "teacher says will you come to her. She's one mug short."

Husband: Another new outfit? Where on earth do you imagine I'll get the money from? Wife (sweetly): Whatever my faults may be, darling, Im not inquisitive.

"Any money," said the boss, mak ing a presentation of a cheque and a clock to a retiring workman, "leaves us sooner or later; but this (tapping the clock) is one of the things which does not go."

Her Father: You are going to marry that insignificant little fellow Percy! Why you used to say you would never marry a man less than six feet high. Daughter: Oh, I know, Dad. But I decided to take off 20 per cent, for cash.

Salesman: Did you like that cigar I gave you? For 500 coupons of that brand you get a banjo.

Customer: If I smoked 500 of these cigars I'd need a harp.

We read that a new midget car just big enough to hold one has appeared in America. Instead of getting in the owner puts the vehicle on.

"What are you knitting, dear?" "I really don't know, darling. I've not the instructions."

The motor-cycle cop caught up with the speeding roadster that was operated by a sour-faced gentleman. The officer brought out his little book.

"Brother,' he stated, "I'm going to give you one ticket for speeding, and another for insulting an officei*."

The driver's eyes popped. "What do you mean—insulting an officer?" he howled. "Why, I never opened my mouth!" "That makes no difference," snapped the cop. "I know what you're thinking."

Mrs. Swanke: My new maid comes from a very good family. Mrs. Sharpe: Oh—er—yes. I suppose she wanted a change?

Teacher: Smith Minor, tell me where the elephant is found. Smith Minor: The elephant is such a large animal that he never gets lost.

Mrs. Jones: We haven't heard from Uncle John and Aunt Ella for 20 years. How do you expect to locate them?

Jones: Easy! I'll rent a cottage at the seashore this summer.

Sitter: How much will half a dozen photographs cost? And a dozen? Photographer: We will discuss that afterwards—just now I want you to look pleasant.

Mrs. Jones: This is too bad

Jones: Why, what's the matter?

Mrs. Jones: We'll have to give up sending .things for that woman to launder. She's dishonest. This week two towels we brought back from our hotel at Clacton are missing!

Two convivial fishermen rowed energetically towards the far shore of the lake.'

"Are the whisky and cigars aboard?" asked one. "Yes," replied the other. "The lunch?' "You bet." "The hooks and lines?" "Search .revealed that the tackle had been left behind.

"Well," said the first speaker, after due reflection, "we'll just have to get along as best we can."

During a drought a Glasgow man went to a remote village in the Highlands.

"Ye'll hae tae be michty careful," he was told, "for there's a great scarcity of water here." "Mon," said the Glasgow man, "I dinna worry sae long as the scarcity isna whusky. Water's nae guid, but for washing yersel. Now I wouldna mind washing in whusky, but I would no like tae drink water."

The artist who is painting a portrait of President Roosevelt has been in. the habit of entering the White House by the front door of the executive offices, where the guards know him. One day recently he decided on a short cut through the side entrance. A guard halted him. "What's in that package youve got?" he asked.

"Just an easel," said the artist. "Well, we don't allow animals in the White House," snapped the guard.

The gentleman had been preaching for an inordinately long time, and, having marshalled the major prophets, he began to bring under review the minor prophets. "And now we come to Habakkuk," he said. "Where shall we put Habakkuk?"

The answer came quickly from a weary member of the congregation. "He can hae ma seat for Ah'm awa' hame!"

"I bought an engagement ring here a few days ago," said a young man to the jeweller, "and I want to change it." "Yes—what for?" "A revolver and one bullet, please."

Teacher: Working out this much of the problem shows you that X equals zero. Freshman: Whew! All that work for nothing! Mamma: Willie, it is time you we're up. The birds were all up long ago. Willie (drowsily) : Well, if I had to sleep in a nest of sticks and straws so would I. Teacher: Lizzie, who was Francis Drake? Lizzie: A friend of Donald Duck.