IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXIII, Issue 4804, 30 June 1939, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Contractor: Does the foreman know the trench has fallen in? Labourer: Well, sir, we’re digging him out to tell him!

Apprentice: You want me to clean the office. You said you had a man for rough work.

Chief: So we have. He collects the debts.

A small man sitting in the corner of a tram glared at a very stout woman who occupied most of the seat. “It’s a pity they don’t charge passengers according to their size,” he remarked.

“If they did,” retorted the stout lady, “they wouldn’t stop to pick you up.”

“How is it that you are late this morning?” the clerk was asked by the manager. “I overslept,” was the reply. “What? Do you sleep at home as well?”

Judge: But you didn’t feel the thief’s hand go into your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was my own.

The Bore: Fear is an utter stranger to me. Why, during the war I went up to a general—and what do you think I did?

The Bored: Gave her a week’s notice.

Mike: I hear you went on strike. Pat: Yes, I went on strike for shorter hours. Mike: Did you get them? Pat: I did, surely, for I’m not working at all now.

A Scotsman rushed into the hospital bleeding from a cut in the cheek, done while shaving. “You want me to stop it for you?” asked the doctor.

“Not necessarily,” replied the Scot. “I was just wondering how much you pay for blood transfusions!”

An actress was taking her dog for a walk in the park when she met her deadliest rival wearing a new fur coat. The dog began to leap in a friendly fashion around the wearer of the fur coat. His mistress apologised sweetly. “Don’t mind Fido,” she said. “He’s so keen on rabbiting!”

“Do you think the new cook will settle down, dear?” “I’m afraid not, darling. A letter came for her this morning, and the envelope had been re-addressed six times.”

“I sent my little boy for two pounds of plums, and you have sent only a pound and a half.” “My scales are all right, madam. Have you weighed your little boy?”

“I’m glad to find you as you are,” said the old friend. “Your great wealth hasn’t changed you.” “Well,” replied the candid millionaire, “it has changed me in one thing thing. I’m now eccentric where I used to be vulgar, and delightfully witty where I used to be rude.”

“What does the professor of Greek

earn?” “Oh, about 3000 dollars a year.” “And the football coach?” “About 12,000 dollars a year.” “Quite a difference.” “Well, did you ever hear 50,000 people cheering a Greek recitation?”

The much preoccupied professor walked into the barber shop and sat in a chair next to a woman who was having her hair bobbed. “Hair cut, please,” ordered the professor. “Certainly,” said the barber. “But if you really want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?” The customer hurriedly removed his hat. “I’m sorry,” he apologised, as he looked around: “I didn’t notice there was a lady present!””

“Chess was first played in the fifteenth century,” says a writer. There is, however, no confirmation of the rumour that some of the original games are still in progress.

Lady of the House: Can you recommend your friend, Bridget, as a housemaid? Cook: That I can, Madam. Sure and she gets up and makes all the beds before anybody else in the house is up!

“Have you noticed one odd thing about blunt people?” “No; what?” “They are the ones who generally come to the point.”

An Irishman was visiting America for the first time. Going along the highway he saw a sign, “Drive slowly. This means you.” Stopping in astonishment, Pat exclaimed: “Faith! How did they know I was here?”

“Pinkus has an umbrella that has been in his possession for 30 years.” “That’s long enough. He ought to return it.”

There was a concert in the parish hall, and Sandy had been engaged to give a turn on the bagpipes. The audience duly applauded when there came a cry from the back of the hall —“Now give us ‘Annie Laurie, Sandy.” “What!” said Sandy, dismayed. “Again!”

The teacher had been endeavouring to instil into her class the need for “Safety First” methods. She concluded by giving an instance of a little boy who disregarded these rules when riding his bicycle, and who was now in hospital. Immediately she had told this story a hand shot up and Willie Higgins asked: “Is anyone using his bicycle now, miss?”

Mrs. Brown was displaying a large lampshade she had just bought. “Isn’t that perfectly lovely, my dear? And it cost only twentyseven and sixpence!” Her husband looked anything but pleased. “If you wear that to church tomorrow you’ll go alone,” he said. “There’s a limit to everything, including hats!”

The young husband and wife were having an argument on the merits of woman.

“Well,” said the wife at length. “I know a woman of twenty-three who gets the salary of a managing director.”

“I don’t doubt that,” replied the husband. “When did she marry him?”

A bus was crossing Westminster Bridge. One of the passengers, an American, gazed out of the window at the Thames with great scorn. “Say,” he said to the conductor. “What’s that little stream over there?”

With fell-feigned concern, the conductor answered: “Well, darn it! The radiator must be leakin’ again!”

Beggar (to lady of house) : Madam, I’m not asking yer for food or clothes, not even for work. Lady: What do you want, then? Beggar: You don’t happen to have an old tyre for a car, do yer?

Mrs. Murphy (concluding an argument) : Every time I look at you, Mrs. Patrick, I feel I’m doing the Government out of entertainment tax.