IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXIII, Issue 4801, 23 June 1939, Page 6

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Green were having a few words and “compliments” were the order of the day. Mrs. Brown: Er —Mrs. Green, you have got odd stockings on. Mrs. Green: Yes, dearie, I can understand that surprising you, but that often ’appens to ladies wot ’ave more than one pair.

Mistress: Mary, I can write in the dust on the sideboard. Are you not ashamed?

Maid: Not a bit! It is you that should be ashamed. You have made two spelling mistakes.

The tired traveller arrived at the mountain-top hotel and went to bed at once.

Landlord: Would you like to be awakened to see the sunrise, sir? Traveller: Certainly—the day after

to-morrow

College Student: Oh, Dad, I’ve just discovered that the girl who sits next to me in chemistry has a hat exactly like mine. Father: So I suppose you want me to buy a new one? Student: Well, darling, that would be cheaper than changing schools.

The train was pulling out from the platform, and the old man was just sitting down comfortably. Suddenly the door burst open and a young man tumbled into the carriage and seated himself, panting and puffing, opposite the old man. The latter looked up with obvious disapproval. “You must be very unfit, young man,” he said after a while. “Why, when I was young' I never got out of breath and panted like that after a run.”

“Perhaps not,” retorted the other, “but I missed this train at the last station.”

Hicks: My wife dropped in to see me at the office to-day, and Wicks: Sorry, old man, but my wife held me up before I left home. I can’t lend you a farthing.

Tobacconist: Try one of these cigars. You can’t get better. Customer: I know. I had one last week and I’m still ill.

Admirer (to young Willie) : And was my present a surprise to your sister.

Willie: You bet! She said she never thought that you would send her anything so cheap!

It was very late and the busy theatrical manager called “Come in!” crossly, in answer to a rap on the door. “Well,” he said snappily to the poorly dressed woman standing there, “what do you do? Dance, sing or what? I’m busy. Let’s hear you sing first.” The poor woman looked embarrassed, and made a very poor attempt to sing the first few lines of Annie Laurie.

“Rotten!’ said the manager. “You can’t sing at all!” “I never said I could,” said the woman, “and if you are about ready I’ll start scrubbin’ the floor. That’s what I’m here for.”

A kind gentleman had to dismiss his gardener for unfaithful service. He was too fond of sneaking away from his work for long periods at a time. Not wishing to harm him, however, the gentleman wrote this note:—

“I wish to state that Blank has been in my employ over two years. In that time he got out of the garden more than any other man I have had.”

Angler (describing a catch) : The trout was this long—l tell you I never saw such a fish.

Listener: No, I don’t suppose you ever did.

Magistrate: Why did you hit the plaintiff over the head after you had stolen his watch-chain?

Accused: Well, there was no watch at the end of the chain.

A vacuum cleaner salesman was waxing eloquent about the merits of his particular machine, but the village housewife was not impressed. The salesman, not to be beaten, decided that a practical demonstration would convince her. He took off his coat, fitted the cleaner, and, thrusting his hand up the chimney brought down a handful of soot, which he spread all over the room. Then he added a heap of ashes and a shovelful of soil from the garden. “Now, madam,” he said brightly, “I’ll show you what this cleaner can do. Er—where’s the switch?” “Switch?” murmured the surprised woman. “We use gas.” “I shall be everlastingly obliged to you, old man, if you’ll lend me a dollar.” “Yes, I know. That’s the trouble.” 1

Barber: How would you like your hair cut, sir? Chauffeur: A little olf the bonnet and some fi'om behind the mudguards.

“My husband is every so lucky! Yesterday he took out an accident insurance and to-day a brick fell on his head.”

Teacher: I always tell the children to emulate the industrious ant.

Mrs. Jones: Well, at least, they are emulating the industrious termite. They’re eating me out of house and home. “Ha! That reminds me!” exclaimed the pedestrian as a passing car splashed a puddle in the road all over him. “I must remember to take home that can of insect powder my wife asked me to get.”

Mrs. Newlywed (giving first order to butcher over the phone) : Please send me a pound of steak. “And what else, please?” Mrs. Newlywed: And—and some gravy.

A new pupil arrived at a riding school for some riding lessons. After he mounted the horse, the animal began to kick up while the groom held on to the horse’s head.

The rider yelled: “Say, let go; can’t you see you are holding down the wrong end?”

“My husband is an efficiency ex pert in a large office.” “What does an efficiency experl do?”

“Well, if we women did it, they’c call it nagging!”

A taxicab passenger arriving a I his destination, paid the fare but dk not tip the driver.

“You forgot something,” said the

driver. “What?” asked the passenger in honest bewilderment, slapping his pockets and peering back into the cab. “Your bagpipes,” retorted the driver. “How’s business?” asked one small town tradesman of another. “It’s so bad,” was the reply, “that yesterday when a small boy came in and asked for an empty box I had to refuse him until I remembered the till.”

Mother: So you got those beautiful moccassins for daddy? They are splendid; but don’t you think, dear, he would have preferred carpet slip-

pers? Young Hopeful: You’ve never been spanked with carpet slippers!

“Quick! Baby’s eating the dog’s biscuits!” “It’s all right, Ma’am, the dog doesn’t like them much, anyhow!”

Reveller: Excush me, is thish house number 9? Passerby: No, that is number 99. Reveller: Hurrah! Then I’m shober after all.

“I went to call on you yesterday but found the gate locked.” “It wasnt locked—it just sticks.” “Then why not get a workman to do something?” “I have. This morning I got a painter to put up a notice:—‘Push hard. This gate sticks.’ ”

Defendant, charged with keeping a dog without a license, tried to interrupt the evidence. “Do you wish the Court to understand you refuse to renew your dog license?” asked the Magistrate.

“Yes, your Worship, but ”

“We don’t want any ‘buts.’ You will be fined. You knew the license had expired.” “Yes; and so has the dog.”