IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXII, Issue 4639, 13 May 1938, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Amid the discomfort of the morning after, he recalled his experiences of the night before. Pie was sure that he had had only seven cocktails, and at dinner had been equally abstemious. In the matter of liqueurs, too, he had shown a similar restraint, and he doubted if he had had more than a dozen whiskies during the whole evening. And recalling all this, he realised that he had stretched his courtesy too far when he had consented to taste his hostess's mince pies.

Old Gentleman: In my day, my dear, girls did know how to blush. Modern Miss: Oh, do tell me what you said to them! *

A tramp was sleeping behind the bunker of a golf course when the club secretary, prowling around, kicked him none too gently and ordered him to clear out.

"And who are you?" demanded the tramp. "The secretary of the club" said the official.

"Well," replied the tramp, "that's no way to get new members."

"You say your mother-in-law threw a chair at you?" said the Magistrate. "Yes, sir." "And then your wife threw a table at you." "Yes, sir." "And what made you leave the house?"

"I saw my daughter looking thoughtfully at the sideboard."

An old lady went to her bank manager and asked him to sell out her shares in an important industrial undertaking. "I don't feel satisfied about the stability of the firm," she said. "They seem to be always changing the directors. Every time I hear from them there is a different handwriting on the envelope."

Mrs. Brown had been in a bad temper all day. She had soundly rated her husband for some imagined slight, and she had just scolded the maid.

Mr. Brown said sympathetically to the girl. "You and I seem to be in the same unfortunate position this evening, Mary." "Not likely!" replied the maid. I'm giving her notice to-morrow."

A girl went to see her old familv doctor.

"Oh, doctor," she said, "my boy friend thinks he is Napoleon. Is there anything to be alarmed about?" ""

"No" replied the medico, "not unless he thinks you are Josephine.

The employer was leaving the office. He was instructing the new secretary what to say if anybody called while he was out.

"I may be back this afternoon," he told her. "And then, again, I may not."

The girl nodded sagely. "Yes, sir," she said, "is that definite?"

At a council meeting in the North of England it was proposed to have a gondola on the park lake. "We want nowt wi' a gondola," said an economically minded councillor.

But his opponents stuck to their point and it was clear that the gondola was going to be forthcoming. Making the best of a bad job, he got up once more.

"We want nowt wi' a gondola," he said, "but if we must 'ave one, let's 'ave two so as they can breed."

Tommy: Would you like a piece of pie? Jimmy: 'Course I would.

Tommy: Well, go and ask your mother for a piece and I'll give you a bit.

A fussy old gentleman who could not see eye to eye with the taxi driver on the question of fare, finally remarked, "Don't you try to tell me a thing, my good fellow. I haven't been travelling in taxis for twelve years for nothing." The driver sniffed. "No," he replied, "but I bet you had a bloominggood try."

Mike (looking at water-cart) : I say, Pat, stop that driver and tell him his cart is leaking. Pat: Begorra, man, don't show yer ignorance. That's ter keep the kids off the back.

She bought a pair of stockings at a drapery store. The next day she returned to the shop and said to the assistant: "These stockings I bought yesterday had a ladder in them." "Well, madam," answered the assistant, "what do you expect for eighteenpence—a marble staircase?"

"What! You doing crossword puzzles, doctor?" "Just killing time, you know." "Goodness! Haven't you any patients?"

The weary teacher was trying to make an inattentive class understand what a bore was.

"What do we call a man," he asked at last, "who keeps on talking and talking when people are no longer interested?"

"A teacher, sir," smartly answered a small boy at the back of the class.

"Ah! well. somewhere the sun is shining." "Yes, and under the sea is land, but it doesn't help you if you fall overboard."

A tradesman was taken ill, and suddenly died. His secretary found on his desk a letter which the dead man had written the day before, but not sealed. The secretary sealed the letter, adding as a postscript: "After writing the above, I suddenly passed away," and posted it.

"Daddy," asked the small son of the hQuse, looking up from his homework, "what's the meaning of intuition?' "

"Intuition, my son," replied his father, "is that strange instinct which tells your mother she is right —whether she is or not."

He was on his way home with his new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it suddenly struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice on the way he stopped, counted his parcels, and searched his pocketbook, but finally decided he had everything with him. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped with a surprised look on her face, and cried, "Why, father, where is mother?"

Brown: Hello, is that a new watch you've got? Green: Yes, it's a prize I got for bowling. Do you know that if I had all the prizes I have won at bowling I should be able to open a jeweller's shop. Brown: That's nothing. If I had all the ducks I got at cricket I could start a poultry farm.

A man was knocked down by a motor-car, and people started to search his pockets. A woman in the crowd anxiously said "Is he dead?" Someone standing by said, "He must be, he comes from Aberdeen."

A number of spirited pals were returning in the small hours of the morning after a highly successful dinner. Presently they stopped opposite a house and a lively discussion commenced. One of the revellers thumped on the front door until a window above was thrust open and a forbidding woman looked out. "Pardon me, ma'am," said the spokesman uncertainly, "are you Mrs. Brown?" "Yes, I am," she snapped. "Good!" said the reveller. "Will you be so kind as to come and pick out Mr. Brown? The rest of us want to go home."

"I won't get married until I find a girl like the one that grandpa married."

"Huh! They don't have women like that to-day."

"That's funny! Grandpa only married her yesterday."

A little girl was kissing her father good-night. "Oh, daddy," she exclaimed, "aren't you scratchy to-night?" "Indeed," replied the fond parent, stroking his chin, "it can't be so very bad. I seem to remember shaving this morning. "Did you, daddy? Well, then, it's—it's awfully tall for its age."

A little boy of six came home from school and announced that his class had learned a new song.

"It was a carol," he said, called "Wild Shepherds Washed Their Frocks by Night."

Jones: I see they're erecting a statue to the man who x invented pneumatic tyres. Smith: Wouldn't a bust be more appropriate?

The professor of biology entered the classroom, cleared his throat, and said: "Now, gentlemen, please pay particular attention. I have in this parcel a very fine specimen of a dissected frog—very interesting." Slowly he opened the wrapper and disclosed a few sandwiches. A look of consternation crossed his face. "I thought I had eaten my lunch," he said.

The village constable was passing the local inn when noting that it was well past closing time, he saw a man still sitting in the bar. He went to the proprietor and remonstrated. "That man should be outside," he said. "Yes," replied the proprietor, "but I can't get him out." "I'll soon see about that," replied the constable, promptly, and pitched the unfortunate man out.

"Thanks," replied the boss. "I have tried to get him out for a long time. He's the bailiff."