IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXI, Issue 4565, 5 November 1937, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

"Will you tell me why low dresses are called 'full dress?' "

"For the same reason, I suppose, that a plucked fowl is called a 'dressed chicken.' "

Dramatist: So you've read my new revue. Well, what do you think of it?

Manager: My dear sir, there are two scenes in it that Shakespeare himself couldn't have written. Dramatist: Really! Which scenes are those?

Manager: The one in the wireless shop and the one in the film studio.

Mrs. Jones: Poor Lola! She was cruelly deceived when she married old Goldrox.

Mrs. Brown: Why, didn't he have plenty of money? Mrs. Jones: Oh, yes, plenty of money, but he was ten years younger than he said he was.

"How did your new play go down, old man?"

"Oh, there were the usual cries of 'Author' after the performance on the first night." "From the audience, I suppose?" "No, from the members of the cast. They couldn't see why I should escape unscathed."

The old lady was pestering the tight-rope walker with questions. "I should imagine that it is dreadful to walk so high above the ground," she said. "You're right there, mum," came the reply. "I just squirm at every step I take." "With fear, you mean?" remarked the old lady. "No, with corns," came the reply.

The bore was relating an incident which had occurred while he was on his way to the club. "Great, hulking fellow, he was," he went on tediously. "Must have been over six feet high, and he was determined to fight someone. So I just pushed my way through the crowd, and " "And ran all the way here, I suppose," put in a fellow-clubman.

Customer: I've come back to buy the car I was looking at yesterday. Salesman: Fine, now tell me, what was the one dominating thing that made you decide to buy this car. Customer: My wife.

Pat had received notice to quit from his landlord.

Now, Pat was very fond of his house .and most unwilling to leave it. So he took legal advice and was assured that according to his lease the landlord was not entitled to give him notice.

Pleased as Punch, Pat went home to write to the landlord. This is the letter he sent: "Dear Sir.—l remain, Yours truly."

Neighbour: Well, Bobby, how do you like having a little brother? Bobby: It isn't a boy, it's a girl. Neighbour: But your mother told me last night it was a boy. Bobby: I know it's a girl, 'cause I saw them putting powder on it this morning.

Said the professor's wife: George, do you know what day it is? Twentyfive years ago to-day we first became engaged. The absent-minded professor looked shocked.

"Twenty-five years! Why didn't you say so before this? It's high time we got married."

Boss: I'm afraid you're ignoring our efficiency system, Brown. Brown: Well, yes, sir. But someone has to get the work done.

"When this disreputable man eame to the door and said I had been arrested," snorted Poonah, indignantly, "why did you believe him?" "I had my doubts at first," admitted his wife, "but when he borrowed five pounds from me in order that he could bail you out, what else could I think?"

An old lady, being shown over a submarine for the first time, was interested in the gun on the deck. "Does it get very wet when you go down?" she asked.

"Oh, no, mum," said her guide. "You see, when we get the order to submerge two sailors hold umbrellas over it."

Two cronies met at lunch. "How's things?" one asked

"How are they? Rotten, old boy. Honestly, if they keep on like this, it looks as though my last incometax return will be just about correct!" said the othei', gloomily.

Two friends met unexpectedly at the seaside.

"By the way, old man," one said, "if you've just arrived, here, I'd better warn you—there's a hotel thief here!"

" 'Fraid it's too late, old boy. Thanks. I know already. I'm staying at the place he runs!"

"What's the best exercise for reducing?"

"Just move the head slowly from right to left when asked to have a

second helping."

Rickson: Yer know, I often wonder why there are s'many more o' them there motor-accidents than railway accidents. 1

Rickley: Lor, lumme, man! Did yer ever 'ear of t'fireman 'uggin' the driver?

"What's the matter with Brown's hand?" "He opened <& puppy's mouth to see how many teeth it had, and the puppy closed it to see how many fingers he had got."

"Ah, Well, somewhere the sun is shining." "Yes, and under the sea is land, but it doesn't help you if you fall overboard."

Scene, outpost of Empire. Telegram received: Major Tough-Nutt, lion hunter, met with fatal accident. Reply sent: Send body at once. Later, box arrives containing body of dead lion.

Telegram sent: Don't want lion, send Tough-Nutt. Reply received: Tough-Nutt inside lion.

Teacher: If you had good bnains, Tommy, what would you invent? Tommy: Something that would do my lessons as soon as I pressed a a button, miss. "You lazy boy! You are not so lazy, Billy. What would you invent?"

Billy: Something to press the button, miss!

"Why don't you advertise?" asked the representative of a newspaper Of a man in a small way of business in a small town.

"Because I'm agin' advertisin'," the man answered| Why are you against it?" "It don't leave a man no time," was the reply. "I advertised wunst last summer, and the consequence wus I wus so busy I didn't have no time to go fishing the whole season."

In his announcement the vicar regretted that money wasn't coming in quickly enough—but he was no pessimist. "We have tried," he said, "to raise the necessary money in the usual way. We have tried honestly. Now we are going to see what a baziaar can do."

The young wife was a little nervous when she gave her first dinner party. "John, dear," she said to her husband, reproachfully, "do look after poor Mr. BroWn. He's helping himself to everything."

Colonel Poonah-Poonah (concluding heated argument with woman member of golf club)-: The next club I open will be for gentlemen only. Woman Member: Really. Somebody going to Wangle you in?

May: My fiance is telling everybody in India that he is coming home to marry the most beautiful girl in the world. Edna: Too bad, darling, after being engaged to you for such a long time!

A foreman in a certain factory is in the habit of getting an apprentice to heat his lunch for him. The other day he called a new apprentice. "Go downstairs and 'eat up my lunch for me," he ordered. The boy obeyed wtih alacrity. Ten minutes later the foreman came down. He was hungry. "Where's my lunch?" he demanded. The boy gazed at him in amazement.

"You told me to eat it up and I ate it."

"I didn't tell you to heat it up," roared the irate foreman. "I told you to 'eat it up." "Well, didn't heat it up," maintained the youngster, stoutly, "I ate it cold."

Mr. Jones came down to breakfast in a very bad temper. "It's no good!" he stormed at his wife. "I'm going to give that new chauffeur notice. That's twice now he's nearly killed me." "Oh, darling," said his loving wife, "couldn't you give him another chance?"

A self-styled reformer was watching a trench being dug by modern machine methods. He said to the superintendent: "This machine has taken jobs from scores of men. Why don't you junk that machine and put one hundred men in that ditch with shovels?"

The superintendent promptly retorted: "Or better still, why not put a thousand men in there with teaspoons!"

Sonny had been shouting for his father and now daddy was giving him a good telling off. "Fancy," he said, "<a great big boy like you being afraid to sleep in the dark. I'm ashamed -of you." "Huh!" snorted the child. "It's all very well for you to talk! You've got mother to look after you!"