IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXI, Issue 4514, 3 July 1937, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

The readiness of Irish wit is exemplified in the story about some passengers travelling from Liverpool to London. One missed his handkerchief —a colourful, expansive affair —and bluntly accused his neighbour, an Irishman, of taking it. Rising, the man found he had been sitting on the handkerchief. A third passenger suggested that the accuser apologise. But the Irishman said: "Oh, there is no occasion for an apology. There was a mutual mistake. He took me for a thief, and I took him for a gentleman." "Well, sir," said the village shopkeeper, writing the order, "that's three hot-water bottles, two dozen -lemons and a large tin of bath mustard. I'll send them round right away. All well at home, sir?" Jones: Do you think I can make her really happy? Brown: Well, she certainly will have something to laugh at. Husband: Who was that you were talking to for over an hour at the gate? Wife: That was Mrs. Smith. She hadn't time to come in. Minister (about to christen child): This child, some day, may be a great soldier or a great sailor; in fact, it may be the Prime Minister. What is it's name? Mother: Mary Ann. "It's all nonsense about the Irish being great fighters." "How do you make that out?" "Well, you know Mike O'Raff&rty who lives in our street. Last night my brother and I and a couple of other fellows knocked him silly."

- "Pat, I'm going to make you a present of this calf." "Ah, sure, and it's just like you, sor." One advantage in writing, a 1000page novel is that people who want to read it have to buy it. You're out of luck when you try to borrow a book that the owner is never done reading. A country stationmaster was doing his best to see that two of the vicarage ladies had a comfortable journey to London with a compartment to themselves. As parting advice, he said: "And when you stops at a station, stand up, ma'am, and put your face out of the window. Then nobody will get in." A Los Angeles patrolman had brought in a negro woman somewhat the wor§e for drink, and the desk sergeant with his very best scowl, roared. "Liza, you've been brought in for intoxication!" "Dat's fine," beamed Liza. "Boy, you can start right now!" Then there's the legend of the two pipe-smokers in the opium-den. One dreamy gent said casually: "I've just decided to buy all the diamond and emerald mines in the world." The party of the second part considered this seriously for a few moments, and then murmured softly:."l don't know that I care to sell." Smith: Is that chap Brown a relation of yours? Brown: Yes, a distant one. Smith: Very distant. Brown: Well, rather. He's the eldest of fifteen children, and I'm the youngest.

A North Country farmer when going to market, was noticed never,to take a ticket, but always to pay at each end of the journey. One day the stationmaster at his end asked him his reason for doing this. "Well," said the farmer, "I'll tell ye. Ye'll remember the bit o' bother I had with the railway company over my cow getting on the line. I said then that the company/should never see another penny of my money, and I know that as long as ye are at this end and your brither Tarnmas is at the other they never will." Mabel: Did you ask father for my hand? Jack (bitterly): Yes, I asked him over the 'phone and he replied, "I don't know who's speaking, but it's O.K. with me." Wine was vigorously powdering her face before going out. "Why do you go to all that trouble?" asked hubby, who was waiting impatiently. "Modesty, my dear," was the reply. "Modesty?" "Yes, I've no desire to shine in public." Teacher: Can anyone tell me what happened after Napoleon mustered his army? Pupil: Yes, sir; he peppered the enemy and took the citadel by assault. Teacher: Sit down, my lad. I'll have no sauce from you.

I Brother (after reception): You don't look so tired as I expected to see you, sister. Sister: Don't I, Tommy? Why did you think I should look tired? Brother: I heard mum say you had been running after Mr. Jones for months and months. A teacher was giving a class of youngsters a lesson on kindness, and by way of pointing the moral she told the story of a shepherd who, having lost a lamb in a snowstorm, went out to seek it. When he found it, he took off his coat, wrapped it around the lamb, and brought it safely home. Then she asked if any of her pupils could tell of a similar kind action like that. A bright youth held up his hand. "Please, miss," he said, " heard father say he once put his shirt on a horse." The dutiful nephew took his dear old aunt to a football match. As the game progressed, things happened. "And why," said the elderly lady eventually, "is that man walking away?" "He's been sent off for a foul." "Dear me, Bertie! Now is that what you mean by getting the bird?" "I hear," remarked Mrs. A , "that that nice young Mrs. B got all her furniture on the hire purchase." "Yes," said Mrs. C , "she is feathering her nest with a little down." His play had been refused seven times, but he still kept turning up with it, rewritten here and there. The eighth time the manager told him firmly that it was useless. "But, sir," said the playwright, "it there no possible way ydu could put my farce on the stage?" "Well," was the reply, "there's one way, but I don't knoW if you'd submit—" "Oh, I'd submit!" he cried "I'd submit to anything." "Then," said the manager, "we'll grind it up and use it as a snowstorm."

"Was it a big cheque you lost?" "Not very—about the same size as a postcard." Mistress: Was your last place a good one, Janet? Maid (after deliberation): Well, mum, I used not to think so. Employer: I hope you don't sit and twiddle your thumbs when I'm not in the office? Typist: Oh, no, Mr. Jones. I have my embroidery. "My vacuum cleaner just won't work," said the housekeeper to the repairman. "Well," replied the man, "I've tested it, and there's nothing the matter with it." "There must be," insisted the woman, "when we first used it we got several pounds of dirt out of this carpet, and now it's hard to get an ounce." First Charlady: You don't 'arf look 'ot, you do! Second Charlady: Who do? First Charlady: You don't. Artist: That, sir, is a cow grazing. Visitor: Where is. the grass? Artist: The cow has eaten it. Visitor: Where is the cow? Artist: You don't suppose she'd be fo'ol enough to stay there, after she'd eaten all the grass, do you?" The case was one of assault. The Magistrate eyed the prisoner sternly. "You maintain that you threw your wife out of the second-storey window through forgetfulness?" he stated. 'That's right, your Worship," returned the prisoner. "We used to live on the ground floor, and I forgot we'd moved up."

Customer: But surely you don't sell these watches at ss* each? Jeweller: Oh, yes, madam. Customer: But they must cost that to make. Jeweller: They do, madam. Customer: Then how do you make a profit? Jeweller: Repairing them. .< Two hefty-looking men, who, from the look of their clothes, had just finished work of a pretty rough kind, were dining in one of the all-night restaurants. One of them was sawing violently at a piece of steak, each mouthful being won by sheer hard work. At last he came to a particularly tough piece and, turning to his mate, he said in a hoarse whisper that could be heard plainly: "'Tain't the food wot does yer good 'ere, Joe; it's the blinking exercise." Judge: Have you anything to say before I sentence you? Prisoner: Nothing, except that very little pleases me.