IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXXI, Issue 4955, 13 February 1937, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Mrs. Smith: All the papers are horribly full of scandal nowadays, aren’t f hey? Mrs. Brown: Yes, it’s dreadful. I can’t make a start on my housework till nearly midday.

Prizefighter (to schoolmaster) : You gave my boy a hiding, I ear? Schoolmaster (nervously): Well, er-yes-er-perhaps, I er— Prizefighter: Give us yer ’and, yer a champ. I can’t do nuhin’ with him.

Teacher (sharply): Johnnie, you must bring a written excuse for being absent yesterday, from the head of your family! Johnnie: She’s away on a fortnight’s holiday at Blackpool, ma’am ; shall I bring one from my father? Scout: What on earth have you woke us up at this time for? It’s only half-past three! Camp Cook: Well, I’ve heard that a thunderstorm turns milk, and as there is one on now I thought we might as well have our breakfast while the milk is fresh! Youg Golfer: Please get a move on. Try to be quicker if you won’t let us through. Elderly Golfer: Young man, we don’t want advice from you; we were playing this game before you were born! Young Golfer: I’m not surprised; but please try and finish it before I’m old enough to die! Late one night a Scotsman was discovered by a policeman on his hands and knees on his neighbour’s doorstep. “What are you doing here?” demanded the policeman. “S-sh, mon, I’m giving a party,’’ replied the Scot. “Giving a party. But not here —” “No, mon, no. It’s to-morrow, and I’m just sharpening up the gramophone needle.” “Marion has turned me down again,” moaned the unhappy young man who had failed in his attempt to woo the heiress. His friend shrugged his shoulders. “I suppose you went the wrong way about it,” he said, reprovingly. “In proposing you should start off by saying that you are unworthy of her. That bait seldom fails to work.’’ The luckless one groaned. “I was going to tell her that,” he replied, “but she said it first.” A Scot appeared in an English police court, his head swathed in bandages. An Irishman, charged with assaulting nim with a kettle, pointed to the injured party and said scornfully— “ Those bandages are all show. He was walking about without them yesterday.” “Is that true?” asked the magistrate. “Yes,” replied the Scot. “I wanted to keep them clean for to-day.’’ A couple of workmates were disporting themselves in the briny on the occasion of their annual factory excursion. “Goodness gracious,” said Bill, during an interval in the proceedings, “how black yer bin, Jack. Why, from yer neck downard’s ye’re the colour of Joe Louis or Gandhi.” Jack threw a reproachful look at his work-chum. “Well,” he replied, “tha’ know’st well enough I didn’t come with the trip last year.” “You’re very interested in that stuffed bird,” said the ornithologist. “Yes,” said the aviation expert, “I think its steering gear infringes one of my patents.” “Oh, yes,” said the pilot of the river steamboat, “I’ve been on this river so long I know where every stump is.” Just then the boat struck a stump, which shook it from stem to stern. “There,” he continued, “that’s one of them now.” An Englishman and an American travelled in the same compartment on one of the Liverpool expresses. The former spoke not a word to his companion, who was the only other occupant of the compartment, and it was only when the train was crossing Runcorn Bridge that the American said: “Excuse me, sir, but your tie is riding up over the back of your collar.” “Well, what if it is?’’ was the curt reply. “Your coat pocket has been on fire this last five minutes, and J haven’t bothered you.” Little Jenny saw a dachshund. “Oh, mother,” she said, “this is the kind of dog the man on the radio sang about.” “On the radio?” “Yes—he said ‘Get a long little doggie.’ ’’ Then there is that wise married couple who forgot their differences, and decided to start life anew by burning all their bridge prizes behind them.

A professor was taking the class for chemistry. In front of him he had a bowl containing some bubbling liquid. “Now, boys,” he said, “when I’ve dropped a silver coin into this acid will ft dissolve?” “No,” replied a smart boy, “because if it did you wouldn’t drop it in.’’ Goggs: Do you feel the cold much this weather, old man? Moggs: I have so many blankets on my stretcher, old boy, that I have a book mark to know where to get in. Customer: Are those eggs strictly fresh? Grocer (to the clerk): Feel of those eggs, George, and see if they are cool enough to sell yet. The chemist had left his counter in charge of a youthful assistant. This young man being of a highly ingenious turn of mind, it was not without some inward trepidation that the chemist learned upon his return that the assistant had been confronted in the interval with the case of a man who had failed to get the better of an argument with a steam roller. “What on earth did you do?” gasped the chemist. “Gave him nerve tonic,” was the reply. “Nerve tonic? Why that, in the name of goodness?” “Run down and depressed,’’ was the reply. The hiker had been walking for many miles. His feet were sore, his pack heavy, and his spirits low. Seeing an old man sitting by the roadside, he asked him how long it would take him to get to the next village. The old man, however, made no answer and just went on gazing at the road. And so the traveller continued on his way with a shrug of his shoulders. He had not gone very far when he heard a call behind him. “Hey, mister! Come back!” Wearily he returned, and the old man, looking up, said:— “It’ll take yer twenty minutes.” “Why on earth didn’t you tell me that when I asked you?’’ said the hiker, losing his temper. “How did I know how fast yer was goin’ ter walk?” replied the old man. “If somebody left you six million dollars, what would you do?” “Hire six good lawyers and try to get it.” “How did you find your husband when you returned from your vacation?” “Oh, I just happened to stumble over him while I was cleaning up the cellar.” Auctioneer: “What am I offered for this beautiful bust of Robert Burns?” Man in crowd: “That ain’t Burns; that’s Shakespeare.” Auctioneer: “Well, folks, the joke’s on me. That shows what I know about the Bible.”