IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXIX, Issue 4746, 14 September 1935, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Impertinent Young Man: Haven't 1 seen you somewhere before? Young Lady: You might have done. I was once a nurse in a lunatic asylum.

' Home Hint.—The taste of an onion can be improved by the addition of half a pound of steak.

"My husband has taken all the cash out of baby's money box." "My dear!".

"Yes, and just when there was nearly enough for the new hat I wanted."

Sam: Why did you give that attendant such a big tip when he gave you your coat? Tom: Well, look at the coat he gave me.

Charged with being drunk and disorderly a man admitted that he was always seeing red. Evidently the sort of man who can't see further than the end of his nose.

Barber: It's raining very hard outside. Why not stay here, and have a shampoo? $ MacTavish: No, thanks. I'll just keep my hat off walking home.

"Doctor," said the sick man, ' : the other doctors seem to differ from you in their diagnosis of my case." "I know," replied the medical man cheerfully, "but the post-mortem will show which of us is right."

Four-year-old Brenda had blown up her baby brother's balloon, and was running about the garden playing with it. "Give it me! Give it me!" cried Billie. "It's my balloon." "I know," replied Brenda, "but it was my breff."

Policeman (to motorist who is bending over pedestrian): How did you knock him down? Motorist: I didn't. I pulled up to let him go past, and he fainted.

Typist: The boss wants to see you. Office Boy: Did he ask for me personally? Typist: No; he said he'd like to see the fellow who could loaf eight hours a day and get paid for it.

Jones was buying a pair of trousers at a bargain sale. "Yes," said the shopman, "these trousers are only 12s lid during our sale. Last three days, y'khow!" "Good- gracious!" replied Jones. "I want them to last longer than that."

Gent (to footpad): This is barefaced robbery, you know. Footpad: Sorry, guv'iior, but I forgot my mask.

"After this dance let's go outside and drink in the wonderful fresh air!"

"What's wrong with drinking in here?"

Prospective Employer: Why were you discharged from your last position? -Applicant: Good behaviour, sir. Prospective Employer: Good behaviour?

Applicant: Yes, sir—they took three months off my sentence.

Former Mistress: I would like to give you a good recommendation, Eliza, but my conscience compels me to state that you never got the meals ready at the proper time. I wonder how I can put it in a nice sort of way? Eliza: You might say I got the meals the same as I got me pay.

"Hello, Higgs. Furnished your new flat yet?" "No, old man, not quite. By the way, do you happen to know where I can buy a folding toothbrush?"

Victim: I can't remember who I am or where I live, but there's my wife's photograph. Cop (looking at it): You're.a lucky man.

The boy was probably mentally deficient, and an examination was indicated.

"How many ears has a cat?" queried the psychologist. "Two,"' replied the land instantly. "And how many eyes has a cat?" "Two." "And how many legs has a cat?"

"Say, doc," asked the boy, "didfr't you ever see a cat?"

Aunt: Do you know it's wrong of you to yawn like that? When I yawn I hold my hand in front of my mouth.

Doris: I don't need to; these are my own teeth.

"Riley," said Finnigan, "I can't pay my rent, so I want to hire your horse and cart, to do a moonlight move." "Sure," said Riley, "and ye couldn't have come to a better man. Believe me, that horse of mine is so well trained he'll walk past the landlord's house on tip-toes!"

Complaining Customer: That lawnmower I bought last summer has rusted. Hardware Merchant: Maybe that's because there's so much due on it. Neighbour (looking over garden fence): Have your bees done well this year, Brown? Brown: Well, they haven't given much honey, but they have stung my mother-in-law twice. The doctor called as usual, asking—- " And how do you feel to-day?" I "Not so well, doctor, I can hardly lift my arms above my head, and it's the same with my feet." Customer: I want a revolver. Shopkeeper: Six-shooter, sir? Customer: No. Better make it a nine-shooter. It's for the cat next door. "You say your sister makes up jokes? Then she's a humorist?" "No; she works in a beauty parlour." There is a certain house proprietor in a suburban district who is never put out for an answer,.or a remedy, when a tenant comes along with- a complaint. One man was going at the house owner the other day about the condition of his dwelling. "It's disgraceful!" he shouted, "Why, there's grass coming up through the floorboards in the draw-ing-room!" "Oh, we'll soon settle that," said the landlord, soothingly. "I'll send a man round with a lawnmower!" Jones: Would you mind lending me your book on gardening? Smith: Sorry, old man, but on principle I never lend books. Pop in and have a look at it some time. Smith (a few days later): I say, Jones, I wonder if I might borrow your mower? Jones: Frightfully sorry, but I never lend it. Why not come round here and use it? ."Oh, officer, I've lost my little girl!" "What's she like?" "Well, she has her father's nose, but otherwise she's the image of me when I was.a child!" "Did Fred's wife settle anything on him when they married?" "Yes, her mother!" A tradesman was encountering a difficulty with a doctor who was backward in paying his grocery bills, so he put the matter in the hands of a collector. The man returned looking worried and perplexed. "What's the matter?" asked the grocer. "What did the doctor say?" "Well," replied the collector, "he said I wasn't looking well, examined my tongue, and advised me to stay indoors for' a few weeks."