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IN LIGHTER VEIN

The following item is said to appear in a list of police regulations posted up on a highway:— "Until further notice, every vehicle must carry a light when darkness hegins. Darkness begins when the lights are lit!" "I thought your father looked very distinguished with his grey hairs." "Yes, dear old chap! I gave him those! I gave him those!" Schoolmaster (sympathetically) : That's a nasty cut you have forehead. Backyard Scholar: Oh, that's all right, sir. It's next to nothing. "I have been married five years, and my husband and I like each other as well as on our wedding day. "But you quarrelled yesterday." "So we did on our wedding day." "What did the doctor say?" asked her husband. "Not much. He asked me to put out my tongue." "Yes?" "And he said 'Overworked.'" "Ah! Then you'll have to give it a rest, my dear. That doctor knows his business." " 'I i' 'e 'oo',' the man in the chair stated. "I beg your pardon?" "I said, 'this is the tooth,'" he explained, removing his finger. "Ah! H'mm!" said the dentist. He seemed privately amused at something. "We'd better have it out." The man in the chair was prepared for that. He told the dentist to get on with it, and, soon, the tooth was no longer a tooth, but a trophy. "Half a moment, don't get up," said the dentist, waving his customer back into the chair. "There's one there that wants stopping." The tooth was stopped. "There, now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" demanded the dentist, tearing cotton wool from his victim's mouth. It was a great deal worse, but the customer wasn't in a position to say so. "Now for those two little stoppings at the back," proposed the tyrant cheerily. "No, no!" "Yes, yes!" he insisted, heartily. The Ayes had it. "Now, what else can we do?" he mused, hovering over the chair like a vulture. He decided that his client's gums required electrical massage, and applied it. Lastly, he affixed a small circular brush to the drill, for what he called "a final polish." "There you are, then!" he said. "Come and see me again soon. Oh, and you must use this mouth-wash every morning, please. And, at present, I'm afraid you're using the wrong kind of toothbrush. You'd better have this one. Here's some tooth paste to go with it, too. Now, is there anything else you want done —don't hesitate to say if there is?" "No," said his client. That was the gist of it, anyhow. "I'll put it all on the bill," said the dentist. "So pleased to have seen you. Good morning." Now this wasn't the dentist's normal way of treating his clients. But his client did not often happen to be his own barber.

"How do you manage to keep so fit, old man?" "I take a miniature bath every morning." "A miniature bath?" "Yes; a cold one. One minute you're in and the next minute you're out!" Friend: I say, doctor, did you ever doctor another doctor? Doctor: Oh yes, why? Friend: Well, tell me this: Does a doctor doctor a doctor the way the doctored doctor wants to be doctoreel, or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the other doctor in his own way? Patient: So you've really been practising since 1895? Dentist: If you don't believe it, just look over the magazines in the wait-ing-room. She was reading through the evening paper. Presently she looked up. "Henry, dear," she said, "what exactly is a debtor?" "A man who owes money, of course, my dear," he replied. She paused, a'nd presently added: "Then what is a creditor?" He looked hard at his uninformed wife. "Why, the man who thinks he is going to get it back!" he returned bitterly. A fly was walking with her daughter over the head of a very bald man. She said: "How things change, my dear! When I was your age this was only a footpath!" Dealer in Secondhand Cars: What's the matter with the car you bought last week? Victim: Everything makes a 'noise but the horn.

"Her husband was a judge, wasn't he?" "Everybody thought so till he married her." "The banana are great remarkable fruit," wrote a Japanese boy in the course of an essay on the banana. "He are constructed in the same architectural style as sausage, difference being skin of sausage are habitually consumed, while it is not advisable to eat wrapping of banana. "The banana are held aloft while consuming; sausage are usually left in reclining position. Sausage depend for creation on human being or stuffing machine, while banana are Pristine Product of honourable mothernature. In case of sausage, both conclusion are attached to other sausage; banana or other hands are attached on one end to stem and opposite termination entirely loose. Finally banana are strictly of vegetable kingdom, while affiliation of sausage often undecided." i

Young Bobby came home late from school looking very sheepish. "Dad," he said to his father, and there was a tone of despondency in his voice, "do you remember telling me how you were expelled from school?" Father laughed. "Why, yes, my son," he said, "that was a good story. But it's ancient history now." Bobby brightened. "It's funny how history repeats itself, isn't it, dad?" he replied. Sandy came home looking very down in the mouth. "What's wrong?" asked his wife. "Aren't we about the most unlucky family in the wurrld?" replied the Scot. "I don't understand ye," replied his wife, looking rather puzzled. "There's a chemist in the toon selling his medicines at half price, and here are we just back from holiday and all in the best of health!" Sandy explained. The little girl was attending her first party, and shortly after the proceedings started, approached her hostess. "Oh, please, may I have another dance programme?",she said, cheerfully. "I've filled this one!" Pat: Dye see Calligan's being elected to the Ways and Means Committee? Mike: That's the roight job for him surely. That feller knows more ways of being mean than any man oi ever met. Brown (who was always boasting and trying to get the best of his neighbours): We are taking a different kind of holiday this year. None of your ordinary affairs. I have planned to take a tramp around the Lake District. Jones (sarcastically): It sounds all right, but do you think the tramp will enjoy it? "I want to see the doctor," urged the pale-faced man. "I've got a pain that keeps coming on and off, and—" "Do you think you could come tomorrow?" asked the sweet young thing who had answered the door to him. "Why, isn't the doctor in?" "Oh, yes. But, you see, you're his first patient, and to-morrow is his birthday, it would be so nice if we could manage to give him a surprise between us, wouldn't it?"

It was the third day that the shipwrecked crew had been adrift in the open boat, and the hearts of some were beginning to sink. There was one among the party, however, who refused to be despondent. He sang most of the time, and cracked jokes to keep up their spirits. Presently he gave a shout of joy. "What's that?" he cried, pointing ahead. "Isn't it land?" The chief officer gazed hopefully in the direction of the man's pointing finger. But the light in his eyes died out, and he said dejectedly:— "No good; that's the horizon." "Well, hang it all," said the cheerful fellow, "that's better than nothing. Let's make for it." Preacher (at a reunion meeting): I have only one regret—l miss so many of the old faces I used to shake hands with. The tailor's customer, whose account had been outstanding for many months, at last paid up the full amount. "That letter you sent me did the trick," he laughingly told the tailor. "I've never seen one like it. A letter like that would have got money from a stone. It beats me how you put it together." The tailor rubbed his hands together proudly. "A brainwave on my part, sir," he replied. "I chose the best bits out of the letters my boy sends me from his college."

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Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/KCC19321112.2.51

Bibliographic details

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3444, 12 November 1932, Page 7

Word Count
1,378

IN LIGHTER VEIN King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3444, 12 November 1932, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3444, 12 November 1932, Page 7