IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3400, 30 July 1932, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Mistress (sharply) : I have been looking’ round the room, Jane, and I notice that you have dusted the articles on the shelves, but not the shelves. New Maid: That’s orl right, mum. I can see where you put ’em by doing that. “I saw the cutest little hat this afternoon.” “Did you buy it?” “Not yet. I’ve got to pick out a more expensive one for my husband to refuse to buy, so I can compromise with this one.” He was about to be married and was listening’ to advice from his various friends. A wise old fogey said to him:—“Now, my boy, if you want to be a success, be clean about the house; be kind and thoughtful; don’t smoke in the drawing room; be kind to dumb animals; but, whatever you do, don’t say, ‘What a smart woman that is living next door!’ ” Father and daughter were touring the shops in search of Christmas presents. Presently he stopped before a well-laden stall containing dolls. “Now, then, Betty,,” he said to his daughtei', “what sort of doll would you like?” The shop assistant handed one of the toys to the child. “How about that one?” he volunteered. “No, thank you,” said the modern child, “I think I’ll have twins.” Suitor: Sir, when I’m away from Evelyn I plumb the depths of despair. Mr. Newrich: Well, I don’t want my daughter to marry a plumber. Husband: I see by the paper that out of every hundred persons fined for travelling without a ticket, seventy-five are women. Wife: There! That goes to show that women are more economical than men. “Charles,” cried the hostess across the table to her husband. “Yes, my dear,” he responded. “How inattentive you are,” she admonished. “You must look aftex* Mr. Jenkins better. He’s helping himself to everything!” Teacher: Ah, Jones, are you studying chemistry? Jones: Yes, sir! Teacher: Well, now mention three articles containing stai’ch. Jones: Er—two cuffs and a collar, sir! First Golfer: Shall we play another round next Monday? Second Golfer: Well, I was to be married on Monday—but I’m sure we can arrange it. Country Visitor (to farmer): Say, mistress, is this bull safe? Farmer: Aye; he’s a darn sight safer than ye are. Doctor: You say you noticed something strange in your wife’s speech last night? Husband: Yes —a pause. Smith: That new clerk of yours seems a hard worker. Jones: Yes, that’s his specialty, you know. Smith: What? Working? Jones: No-no-no. Seeming to. Tram Inspector: Are you aware that none of the passengers upstairs has a ticket? Conductor (new to the job): Bless my soul. That’s through living in a bungalow. The big grandfather clock that stood in the hall of little Betty’s home was a never-ending source of wonderment to hei', and she used to spend a long time gazing at it. One day her aunt entered the hall and saw the child staling at the clock face face. “Is the clock going, Betty, dear?” she asked. The child shook her head. “No, auntie,” she replied. “It’s just standing still and wagging its tail.” Farmer (to lad): Hold my hoi’se awhile, lad. Lad: Will it bite? Farmer: No. Lad: Will it run away? Farmer: No. Lad: Then what do you want me to hold it for? Try as he would, Wilson could not cure himself of the habit of snoring. Finally he decided to consult his doctor. The doctor looked him up and down. “Does your snoring disturb your wife?” he asked. Wilson looked surprised. “Disturb the wife?” he echoed. “Why, it disturbs the whole congregation.” Manager (to neglected diner) : Can you identify the waiter who stai’ted serving you, sir?” Diner (indicating plate): Well, we’ve got his finger prints 1”

“The warder tells me you have a complaint to make,” said the prison governor to the convict befoi’e him. “What is it?” “There ain’t enough emergency exits, sir,” replied the prisoner. A miser is known by the money he keeps. It doesn’t fatten a hungry man to make him laugh. The mosquito bites alike both the just and the unjust. A bargain is a bargain—even if other woman gets it. Most people would fall short if measured by the golden rule. Only a foolish man will refuse to laugh at his wife’s jokes. Even the bald-headed barbers insist on telling hair-raising stories. Friends are almost as scarce as umbrellas when they are needed. Unless a servant knows his place he need not expect to keep it. A two-faced person is popular with both sides—until he is found out. It is said that truth lies at the bottom of the well. Perhaps that is the reason why the lawyer pumps the witness. If you cannot win, make the one ahead break the record. Hubby: You never have any affection for me; you’d never think of calling me ‘dear,’ as other men’s wives do.” Wife: Do other men’s wives call you dear? “What’s happened, George?” she asked her husband, who had got out of the car to investigate. “Puncture,” he said briefly. “You ought to have been on the look-out for this,” was the helpful remark. “You remember the guide warned you there was a fork on the road.” » The young man had been telling the company of his adventures in Canada, how he had felled huge trees single-handed. “I suppose you kept a very interesting diary?” said a friend. “Oh—er —well,” said the hero, “being a lumberman, I, of course, kept a ‘log’ book!” The hour of midnight was just striking as the householder crept down the stairs. With a quick movement he snapped on the electric light, and gasped as his eye fell on a burglar tampering with his safe. “Jove, a x’eal burglar!” he smiled. “Wait a minute, will you?” “While you call a copper, eh?” he said. “Not me!” “No,” said the householder. “Only wait while I call my wife. She’s heard you every night for 15 years, and it’ll be a real pleasure for her to see you at last.” The unsuccessful tragedian was applying for a job at the film studio. “I have come, sir,” he said to the director, “because I desire a position in your company.” “Have you had any experience of acting without an audience?” asked the director. A flicker of sadness appeared for a moment in the expressive eyes of the actor. “Acting without audiences,” he replied, “is what brought me here.” A Chinaman, passing the Customs, was asked his name. “Sneeze,” he replied. The Customs man stared at him, and said in a puzzled voice: “Is that your native name?” “No,” replied the Oriental, “I had is translated into English.” “Then what is your native name?” demanded the Customs man. “Ah Choo!” Recruit: Shall I mark time with my feet, Sergeant? Sergeant: Did you ever hear of marking time with your hands? Recruit: I understand clocks do, Sergeant. The talkative old gentleman was delivering quite a lecture on the matter of speedy travel to the young man with whom he shared a compartment. “Yes, we travel fast thees days,” he said. “But have you ever thought of the flight of time—of the fleetinghours of youth, the golden days that swiftly pass away? Have you ever counted the minutes —” “Look here,” said the young man, suspiciously. “I don’t quite get the hang of this. Are you trying to sell me a watch?”