IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3445, 19 March 1932, Page 2

IN LIGHTER VEIN

"Courtship," said the knowing young man, "is nothing but a game of cards." A look of astonishment came over his companion's face. "That's the first 've heard of it," he said, "Explain yourself." "Simple enough," replied the knowing one. "A girl has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and then her hand is his."

Mrs. Maggs, after coming into a small fortune, became quite a snob. One day her little girl came home from her music lesson with some news. "Oh, mother, Miss Sharp told me to-day that she would soon be allowing me to play little pieecs in common time." "Indeed, she won't," said Mrs. Maggs tersely. "I'll have no daughter of mine playing in common time."

The Eector: I was so sorry for your wife during the sermon this morning, doctor. She had such a dreadful fit of coughing that the eyes of the whole congregation were fixed upon her. Doctor: Don't be unduly alarmed. She was wearing her new hat for the first time.

Moggs opened a "household service depot" in his suburb and hired out vacuum cleaners, polishers, etc., and also did spring cleaning.

One day a friend approached him. "I'm afraid, Moggs, that your notice in the Window is frightening people away. It reads: "Don't kill your wife with hard work. Let me do it for you."

Farmer's Wife (to visitors): "Now we usually has our own breakfast at 4 o'clock, but I expects the first morning you'd like to lie in a bit, so I won't get yours till 6 o'clock.

Bald Student: You say you can recommend this hair restorer?

Barber: Yes, sir. I know a man who removed the cork from the bottle with his teeth, and within twentyfour hours he had a moustache.

"I hardly feel like a stranger," said the best man at a wedding; "my friend has so often done me the honour of reading extracts from his dear Ivy's letters." "Sir!" exclaimed the bride, "my name is Margaret." He was seated in the dentist's chair. "What is your charge for extracting this tooth?" he asked. "Three shillings," said the dentist. "What!" gasped the patient, "three shillings for about three seconds' work " "Well," said the dentist, "if you prefer it, I'll draw the tooth in slow motion." The young poet presented his latest ode to the busy editor. The latter read it hurriedly. "You haven't put a title on it," he said. "What do you propose to call it?" "My Birthday," said the poet, proudly enough. The editor handed him the M.S. "Then," he said, "I wish you many happy returns." A spinster, having the top room of her house painted, was under the impression that the painter was not making the progress he might. Listening at the foot of the stairs, she couldn't hear a sound. "Painter," she shouted, "are you working?" "Yes, madam," came the reply. "I can't hear you." "I'm not putting it on with a hammer." Woman (to artist): As I walked through the woods I beheld a glorious sunset—flaming, gorgeous colours, brilliant light effects, Nature in all her magnificent array. And I thought it was like looking at one of your paintings. . Artist: Yes, madam. Nature is catching up. The two tourists had spent six hours climbing the great volcano. At last, weary of limb, they reached the top and approached as near as they dared to the crater. It was smoking ominously. One of them sat down to admire the view, but the other turned his back on it.

"Look here," he said suddenly, "let's go down and get back to the hotel. I can't stand watching that thing any longer."

"What!" ejaculated his friend. "We've climbed right up here and as soon as we reach our objective you want to go back again." He paused and looked anxiously at his friend. "It isn't that you're afraid, is it " he added. - '±No," came from the other tourist. "It's only that I can't endure watching that crater smoke after I've found that I've left my tobacco at the hotej."

Visitor: Do you like reciting, dear? Child: Oh, no, I hate it, really. But Mummy only makes me do it when she wants people to go."

Wife of Professor: Do you know, it is ten years ago to-day that we became engaged?

Absent-minded Professor: Heavens! Why didn't you remind me before. It is high time we were married.

"I want to know if I have grounds for divorce." "Are you married?" "Yes." "Of course, you have."

"Girls are the most biased creatures I've ever seen." "Why so?" "All they say is 'Bias this and bias that.' " At a lecture for men, the speaker stated that the average wife needed her husband's aid in the home. " always help my wife," he said. "When she mops up the floor, mop up the floor with her." Then he wondered why the audience laughed.

The doctor arrived to find the Scotsman in tears. "Don't wory," he soothed. "You'll soon be better." "It isna that," sobbed the patient. "It's the thocht o' the money I've squandered on apples to keep ye awa'!" Mrs. Gotalot entered the expen-sive-looking shop, and was approached by an assistant. "I would like to see some costumes," said the customer. The assistant displayed a number on the counter. "How much are these?" asked Mrs. Gotalot.

"Three guineas," replied the young girl. "I'd like something a little dearer," put in the customer. The assistant smiled very politely. "Then shall we say five guineas, madam," she said.

There was quite a crowd in the bar parlour. The down-and-out actor had managed to get three dninks from his friends, and he was wondering where the fourth was coming from.

Suddenly he hit upon an idea. "I say," he said brightly, "did I ever tell you about my adventures in Africa?"

No one answered, but the actor, nevertheless, decided to tell his story. "I was trekking through the jungle," he commenced, "when a lion suddenly sprang out of the bushes ahead of me. At once I remembered that I had left my gun at the camp. What did you think I did " "No idea," said one of his bored listeners* ( "I picked up a handful of yores and threw it in the lion's face," said the old actor. "Yores!" echoed another. "What's yores?" "Mine's a beer," replied the actor. 1 Husband (out of work): I hope I shall soon get a job. Wife: I hope so, or we shall soon go under. Husband: Never mind; we might be riding one day when some of the others are walking." Wife: Perhaps so. Let me see, it is the bearers who walk!

A detachment of soldiers were in camp. After inspection one day one of the men complained to the orderly officer about the bread ration. "What's the matter with the bread?"

"Too hard," replied the other. "But, my man," said the officer, sternly, "if Napoleon had had that bread when crossing the Alps he'd have eaten it with delight!" "No doubt, sir," said the soldier. "It was new then!"

"Is he reliable?" "Just as reliable as the speedometer on a second-hand car."

"If you want to earn a lunch you can clean my car." "What sort?" "Mercedes." "I mean what sort of a lunch."

Jones: I haven't seen your husband at the club of late, Mrs. Brown? Mrs. Brown: No, he stays at home now, and enjoys life in his own way —as I want him to."