IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3442, 12 March 1932, Page 2

IN LIGHTER VEIN

Captain: What is strategy? ' Sergeant: Well, strategy is when you don’t let the enemy discover you are out of ammunition, but keep right on firing! “Hard-working little wife, you’ve got, Bill,” said the traveller to the small shopkeeper as he watched the man’s busy wife in the shop. “My word, yes!” replied the shopkeeper. “I only wish I ’ad a couple more like ’er.” “Look, daddy, I have made myself a violin.” “Very nice. Where did you get the strings?” “Out of the piano” A woman whose husband had died went to a medium who put her into communication with her late spouse. “John,” said the woman, “are you happy now?” “I am very happy,” replied the spirit of John. “Are you happier than you were on earth with me?” asked the woman. “Yes,” replied the spirit, “I am far happier than I was on earth with you.” . “Tell me; John, what is it like in heaven?” asked the woman. “Heaven!” exclaimed John. “I’m not in heaven!” “You have started coining? It is hardly worth while making counterfeit pennies.” But one must start in a small way.” First Cannibal: What’s the matter with me, doc? I feel mighty sick? Cannibal Doctor: What’d you have for dinner? First Cannibal: A gangster. Cannibal Doctor: Lead-poisoning! The business magnate sought to cut the interview short. “Let me remind you, sir,” he observed, “that my time is worth a pound a minute.” But the irreverent one was not impressed. “By jove,” he said, sympathisingly, “it’s jolly rough on you when they put the clock back, isn’t it?” A Scotty with an address not a hundred miles from Aberdeen won a large prize, nearly £IOO, in a newspaper competition, the entrance for which was three halfpence. His name duly appeared in print, and a friend, meeting him, congratulated him on his success. “H’m,” replied Scotty, “but you can tak’ it frae me that they’re a set o’ thieves, just the same.” “Why, how is that?” asked the friend. “Haven’t they sent the money?” “Oh, ay,” admitted the lucky one. “They sent me wunnings a’ richt, but they’ve kept the stake.” Mrs. Durant: How is your husband getting on with his golf? Mrs. Montgomery: Very well, indeed! The children are allowed to watch him now! The captain had been lecturing his men on their duties as soldiers, and to see how far they had appreciated his remarks, he said to one of them: “Now, then, Mike Flannagan, why should a soldier be ready to die for his country?” Mike thought for a while, and then said: “Sure, captain, you’re quite right—why should he?”

A man had been pulled out of the water, seemingly dead. Onlooker: We must try artificial respiration—now, there are six methods. Drowned Man (opening eyes): If rum is one of them, don’t bother about the other five. A tourist agency inserted an advertisement for a man who was required to escort parties abroad. A hard-up young man who desired the post applied, and was given an interview. “Good morning,” said the agency official. “Parlez vous Francais?” “I—er—beg your pardon?” “Parlez vous Francais.” “I—ah—frightfully sorry, but I didn’t quite catch . . “I said: ‘Do you speak French?’” The young man smiled easily. “Oh, yes,” he said, “fluently.” “Help! Help! Throw me a lifebelt!” cried a man who had fallen overboard. “Certainly, sir. What size are you round the waist?” said the passenger, who was a tailor by trade. Customs Officer: Has anybody anything to declare? Man: Yes, I have, have a case of ladies’ dresses. Customs Officer: Why are you so pleased about it? “I am a traveller in ladies’ wear and you are the first man who has asked to see my samples for six weeks.” '' Customer: Three of those apples you sent me were rotten—l am bringing them back. Salesman: That’s all right, madam —you needn’t bring them back, your word is as good as the apples*

Smith: What are you cutting out of the paper? Jones: A report of the case in which a man gets a divorce because his wife went through his pockets.” Smith: What are you going to do with it? Jones: Put it in my pocket. In a tourist party visiting Vesuvius there were, among others, visitors from America and England. Different ones ventured nearer and nearer to the edge of the crater; finally an American looked down to the depths of the volcano and exclaimed: “My, that looks like the Inferno !” Whereupon the Englishman retorted : “What travellers these Americans are! Evidently they have been everywhere.” On his appointment the new manager of a certain bank was given much publicity and photographs of him were reproduced in newspapers. All were not printed attractively. A depositor wandered in, walked up to the manager, produced one of his photographic reproductions, and asked: “Is this your picture?” The manager assured him that it was. And are you the manager of this bank?” The other admitted that he was. “Well, give me my money!” ordered the depositor. An actor consulted his doctor, saying he felt seedy. “No wonder,” said the doctor, who knew his man. “You never leave the theatre till midnight, then you hang around the club drinking and smoking till early in the morning. What you want is to go straight home from work, rise with the lark, and have an early morning walk.” The actor determined to do so. Next morning he was up at six, had a walk round the park, and reached home just as the milkman was leaving. The milkman touched his cap and said, “Good-night, sir!”

Mrs. Thomson could always be relied upon to say the wrong thing at any social occasion At a recent dinner she turned to her neighbour and remarked:— “Doctor, can you tell me who that ugly-looking man over there?” “Certainly, I can,” said the medicaf man, “that is my brother.” There was a difficult pause while Mrs. Thompson racked her brains for something to say. “I beg your pardon,” she stammered at last. “How silly of me not to notice the resemblance!” A house painter applied for an engagement at a London theatre.. “I enclose a newspaper clipping,” he said, “to show you have an aptitude for the stage.” The clipping was as follows: “The prisoner, who denied the assault, conducted his own case and defended himself in a somewhat dramatic manner.” , i If An actor, entertaining a party of friends to lunch was annoyed by the slowness of the service. The waiter seemed casual in the extreme, and refused to hurry. When the bill was presented, the actor doled out the exact sum, adding one solitary halfpenny The waiter coughed. “Made a little mistake, haven’t you, sir, sir? This here is a halfpenny.” “No mistake, no mistake,” said the actor with a smile. “I never give less.”

She: “Funny no one seemed to realise what a ‘bad egg’ he was while he was rich.”

He: “My dear, a ‘bad egg’ is only known whe’n it’s broke.”

Tradesman: “Then when might I call for payment of this account?” Debtor: “Would Friday suit you?” Tradesman (eagerly): “Yes!” Debtor (cheerfully): Then call every Friday.” Near-sighted Old Gentleman: “Waiter! You told me you had no asparagus, but surely that lady over there is eating some.” Waiter: “No, sir, beg pardon, sir; she’s only using a lip-stick!” A lady entered a crowded tramcar, and an old gentleman promptly offered her his seat. The woman fainted. After she was brought round she said: “Thank you.” The gentleman then fainted. A parson was invited to dinner at the house of a farmer. On receiving a , generous helping of roast chicken the guest exclaimed: “Well, here’s where a chicken enters the ministry.” The host looked up with a dry smile. “Well, let’s hope it does better there than it did with its lay work.” A very conceited artist was showing a prospective purchaser round his studio. Coming to a certain picture, he said: “This, my dear sir, is my best, one. Ten thousand would not buy it.” “You're right, and I’m one of them,” came the candid reply.