JUST NONSENSE

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3442, 12 March 1932, Page 4 (Supplement)

JUST NONSENSE

A LITTLE LAUGHTER NOW AND THEN— Mrs Smith: This ’ere fellow thinks ’e can sing like Caruso. Mrs Brown: Weell, they do *ay as ’ow Caruso ’ed a beautiful voice, bat ’ow could they know, with ’im stranded on that island with nobody to hear him but Friday? * * * * * A man and wife were hotly discussing the merits of a book. Finally the wife, herself an author, said to her spouse, “ No, John, you can’t appreciate it. You never wrote a book yourself.” “ No,” retorted John, “ and I never laid an egg, but I’m a better judge of an omelet than any hen.” ***** Teacher: What were the epistles? Little Boy: Wives of the apostles. * * * * * “ You seem utterly worthless. You must be a tramp.” “ They used to call us tramps, mum. Now they call us efficiency experts.” ***** Landlady: How do you like your * eggs boiled? Boarder: Two at a time, please. ***** Teacher: Why don’t you like our school, Willie? Willie: Oh, it’s not the school so much as it is the principal of the thing. ***** “What are you chi’dren doing? I thought you were playing together.” “We are playing at fathers and mothers.” “ But you don’t need to make all that noise.”

“ Yes, we do. She has just asked me for money for a new hat.” ***** Old Gentleman: That seems a very bad cold you’ve got, my little man. Tommy: It’s a very good cold; it’s kept me away from school for three whole days. *****

Teacher: Johnny, can you tell me what a hypocrite is? Johnny: Yes, ma’am. It’s a boy what comes to school with a smile on his face. ***** “ It was a patriotic wedding.” ‘ How do you mean? ” “ Well, the bride was red, the groom was white, and her father, who had all the bills to pay, was blue.” ***** “ Mama and papa think we ought to wait at least a month before getting married.” “ Aw, I hate these long engagements.” “ So do I, but we have to give them enough time to find a larger home.” ***** “ Oh, George, dear,” she whispered when he slipped the engagement ring on her finger, “ how sweet of you to* remember just the sort of stone I preferred. None of the others were so thoughtful.” George was staggered for a moment, then he answered: “Not at all, dear. You see, this is the one I always use.” ***** Grandpa: Why dae ye want tae be a po’ieeman when ye grow up, Donald ? Donald: So’s I can see fi'tba’ matches for naething, an’ stand in front o’ the crowd! ***** Teacher: You look pale, boy, are you ill ? Boy: No, sir, ma washed my face herself this morning! ***** “ Cornet players,” says a prominent physician, “ are seldom affected by lung troubles.” We feel confident, however, that there is some special punishment reserved for them elsewhere. ****** Little Willie, tired of play, Pushed sister in the well one day. Said mother, as she drew the water; “Indeed, it’s hard to raise a daughter.”' ***** He (sentimentally, to fair pianist) :y They say that music is the food of love. She: Well, you mustn’t think Pm handing out refreshments of that kind. * * * * *

She (to suitor): Did you sacrifice your game and let dad beat you, as I suggested? Suitor: I did, darling, and he said a fellow who played such wretched golf should never marry a daughter of his.

First Housewife: “I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours? ” Second Housewife: “Yes, it is a lock of my husband’s hair.” “ But your husband is still a 7 ive.” “Yes, but his hair is gone.” ***** “Is this the taxidermist?” inquired Mrs Youngbride at the telephone. « Yes.” “You stuff birds, don’t you? ” “That is our line, madam.” “ WeT, how much would you charge to come up here and stuff the turkey we are going to have? I myself don’t know how.” ***** “ Mac. would you like a little of something Scotch? The real thing?” “ Well. I hardly ever—” “Of course you would! Alice, bring out that box of shortbread! ” ***** “ Have you much room in the new flat ? ” “ Mercy, no. My kitchen and dining room are ro small I have to use condensed milk.”