IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXVI, Issue 3439, 5 March 1932, Page 2

IN LIGHTER VEIN

“Where do I get my ticket, please?” an old lady asked a railway porter. “Just over there, madam, through that little pigeon-hole,” he replied. “Don’t be rude, young man,” exclaimed the old lady, angrily. “How do you think I can get through that tiny hole?”

It was a case of trespassing, heard in the 'local police court. “What was the accused actually doing?” questioned the Magistrate to the complaining farmer. “He was treading on my corn,” was the reply.

“Dear me,” exclaimed the Magistrate, “a very painful trespass; 15s. and costs.”

“Why, these are not the shoes I ordered,” exclaimed the lady of the house in tones of vexation. “They are expensive footwear; I couldn’t afford to buy them.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon, madam,” said the messenger, respectfully, “but you’ve opened the wrong parcel. This one is yours. The other was ordered by the cook.”

Sarah, on her way to the city, was having her first train ride. The train pulled into a junction town, and an official came along calling out: “All change here. All change here.” She called him back.

“Look—l can’t unless you let me get that other case of mine out of the luggage van. All my other clothes are in there.”

Father: You are going to marry that insignificant little fellow, Percy! Why, you used to say you would never marry a man less that six feet high. Daughter: I know, dad, but I decided to take off 20 per cent, for cash.”

Lady of the House: I should think you would be ashamed to beg in this neighbourhood.

Tramp: Don’t apologise for it, madam. I’ve seen worse.

Little Boy: Mother, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away? Mother: Yes. Why? Little Boy: In that case Fm all right for a fortnight.

Mr. A.: Is there any truth in the report that Angus McTavish has bought the petrol-filling station?” Mr. B.: Well, I don’t know for sure, but the “free air” has been taken down.

“John must have been embarrassed when he proposed to Mr. Lotocash’s only daughter.” “He was—financially. That’s why he did it.”

Teacher: We borrowed our. numerals from the Arabs, our calendar from the Romans, and our banking from the Italians. Can anyone think of any other examples? Charlie: Our lawn mower from the Smiths, our sewing machine from the Joneses, and a pair of steps from Miss Evans.

The hiker strode up to a youth who was driving some cows along a country lane. “I say, my man, am I on the right road to Giles’s farm?” he asked. The youth looked at him a few moments, and then nodded his head. “Yes, sur, you be on the right road,” he replied, “but you’re going the wrong way.”

“And were you cool in the thick of the battle?” “Cool? Why, I fairly shivered.”

“Pardon me,” said the golfer, as he caught up to the members playing ahead of him. “Would you mind if I played through? I’ve just heard that my house is on fire.”

Newly-married Man: I prefer coffee for breakfast, but my wife likes tea.

Experienced Benedict: Oh, you will soon get used to tea.

Gwen, aged six, was chatting with the man who had come to fix the window blinds. She plied him with questions about his home and wanted to know if he had any sisters. “Three half-sisters,” he told her, “and two half-brothers.” “Goodness!” said Gwen, “are you the only whole one in your family?”

Uncle was visiting little Betty, who had been ill. “Well, my dear,” he said, “and how did you find yourself this morning?” Betty opened her big innocent blue eyes. “Oh, uncle, I just opened my eyes —and there I was.” “What, more trouble?” inquired the cheery old fellow. “What is it this time?” “Domestic,” groaned Greyday. “Why, only yesterday you were telling me what a darling your Pearl was,” said his companion. “So she is,” said Greyday; “it's the mother of Pearl that’s the trouble.” »

“Waiter, I have only one piece of steak to-day instead of the usual two.” “I am sorry, sir, but the cook has forgotten to cut it in half.” “Smith’s sweetheart has a very dark past.” “You don’t say so!” “Yes, she used to be a brunette!”

The Girl: I should think you’d feel as happy as a king when you’re in the air. Aviator: Happier; I’m an ace.

In a small town in the country there was a lad who had the reuputation of not being very bright. People there had fun with him several times a day by placing a new halfpenny and an old penny in the open palm of his hand, and telling him to take his pick of the two. In every case the lad would pick up the bright halfpenny, and then the crowd would laugh and guffaw. A kind-hearted woman asked him one day: “Don’t you know the difference between a halfpenny and a penny? Don’t you know that the penny is worth more than the half-

penny?” “Yes, I know,” he answered, “but they wouldn’t try me out on it any more if ever 1 took the penny.”

Millionaire: My son, you must never forget to be kind to the poor. “Why, dad?” “You never know. They may be rich one day.!’

The son of a butcher had great difficulty in dealing with fractions in his arithmetic lessons.

“Now, let us suppose,” said the teacher, “that a customer came to your father for five pounds of meat and that your'father had only four in the shop to sell. What would he do?”

“Keep his hand on the meat while he was weighing it!” was the youngster’s reply.

“Mrs. Green had a terrible row with Squills the chemist yesterday.” “Whatever for?” “Well, she asked him for something to keep her hair in, and he gave her a box.”

“What do you mean by saying that football causes more deaths than all other sports combined ?” “It’s responsible for the funerals 'of at least 10,000 grandmothers of 'office boys every year.”

The gunman was ready to pay the penalty. He sat there in the electric chair while strong men turned away, and a dear old uplifting lady sobbed aloud. “Have you any last request, my man?” asked the warden. “Sure,” replied the doomed man. “Let me get up and give that old lady my seat.”

Customer (to waitress who was gazing dreamily across the room and chewing the end of her pencil): “Sorry to disturb you, miss, but I was thinking of my bill.”

Waitress (sentimentally): “So was I, sir.”

Dear Old Lady: What a noise those cats are making, Flossy. Flossy: That’s not the cats, aunt. It’s Lizzie singing in the next room.” Dear Old Lady (after a pause) : Dear me, how Lizzie has' improved, to be sure.”

“Do you know that sometimes he writes a short story before breakfast and thinks nothing of it?” “Yes, I know; and that is exactly what I think of it when I read it.”

“But,” protested the gardener, “you will not want all that land for a tennis court.”

“Doesn’t matter; just go right ahead,” snapped Mrs. Newrich. “I want to have the biggest tennis court in the district. I don’t want an ordinary one like our neighbours have.”

She was crying. “Sweetheart,” he said, “let me kiss those tears away.” She fell into his arms, and he was very busy for a few minutes. But the tears still flowed on.

“Darling,” said he, “can nothing stop them?” “No,” she murmured. “It’s hay fever; but go on with the treatment.”

Nervous Suitor: I wonder what your father will say when he hears we are engaged? “Oh," she replied, “he’ll be simply delighted. He always is.”

Barber: Beg pardon, sir, but your hair is turning a bit grey. Victim: I shouldn’t wonder. Look at the time you’ve been cutting it!’’