IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXIV, Issue 3242, 13 December 1930, Page 6

IN LIGHTER VEIN

The word had just been spoken. The rejected suitor was standing before her, listening to her elaborate explanations of her decision. I trust that I have made myself sufficiently plain, she said. Well, I would scarcely go so far, he answered, as his courage gradually returned. It’s only fair to give nature the credit for that, he added, as he retired in good order.

Isaacs, a tailor, had among his surplus stock six 30/- suits he could not sell. He asked the advice of his friend, Jacob.

I’ll tell you vot to do, said Jacob. Send the six suits and enclose an invoice for five suits at 40s to McQueen. He’ll think you’ve made a mistake, and he’ll buy right away. The next day Isaacs, in great distress, met Jacob. You’ve ruined me, he cried. I sent the six suits and the invoice for five, and McQueen sent back five suits, and said he hadn’t ordered them!

A doctor aboard an ocean liner administered, rather freely, sea-water among the patients who were ill. No matter what their ailments were a dose of the briny fluid was handed to them, and they were told to drink it. One morning the doctor fell overboard. The captain arrived on the scene and inquired the cause of the excitement. “Oh, its nothing, sir!” answered one of the sailors. “Only the doctor has fallen into his medicine chest.”

Mr. Brown, a miner, was the father of a large family. While out for a walk with his wife, and, of course the family, who walked a little way behind he was amazed when, passing the police station, a big, burly policeman grabbed him by the shoulder.

“Here!” yelled Brown, “wait a minute, constable. You can’t arrest me unless I’ve done something, and what have I done?”

“I certainly don’t know what you’ve done, but what I want to know is why the crowd’s following you.”

Blair: Is she Progressive or Conservative.

Claire: I don’t know. She wears a last year’s hat, drives a this year’s car, and lives on next year’s income.

While a play was in progress a lady turned in her seat and said to a man behind: I hope my hat is not annoying you? It is, madam, was . the reply, for my wife wants one just like it.

We ought to have named that boy “Flannel,” remarked the father. Why should we have named him “Flannel?” asked the mother in surprise.

Because he shrinks from washing.

Holidaymaker (to villager): I suppose you find life very lonely in this out-of-the-way little place, don’t you. Villager: Bless you, no! Why only last month we had one of them airplanes fly over here, and now' you’ve come to-day.

A minister was walking along the street when he observed a man steal a large chunk of coal from a cart which stood near. Going up to the thief, he said: My friend, are you aware that you will have to pay for that on the Day of Judgment? Is that so? the man replied. Well, by gum, that’s long credit—l’ll take another chunk while I’m at it. Where have you been, Mary Ann? I’ve been to the Girls’ Improvement Class, ma’am. Well, and what did the curate say to you? Did you tell him who your mistress was? Please, ma’am, he said I wasn’t to give notice, as I intended, but that I was to consider you as my burden —and bear it.

Father: Did you have the car out last night Jack? Jack: Yes, old thing; some of the boys went for a run. Father: Well, I wish they wouldn’t leave their powder puffs lying about!

Rustic: Us’ll get married come Toosday fortnight, then, lass, if ’tis wet.

Girl: What do ’ee mean, Joe, if ’tis wet?

Rustic: Whoy, O’ll be going’ aymakiii’ if it be foine, ©’ course.

He: No, Marion, not even for your sake will I comply with the condition laid down by your father as a preliminary to my marrying you.

She: W-w-why? What does he want you to do? He: He suggested that I should go and hang myself first!

A club member sought the secretary. “Look here, sir,” he shouted, banging his hand down on the table, “you’ll have to ask that awful bounder, Brown, to resign. To-day he had the impertinence to call me an ‘old fool.’ Now, is that right?” “Certainly not,” replied the secretary wearily,” “you can’t be a day over 40.”

Mother was sitting sewing while the two children sat at her feet, playing card games. Oh, mummy, little Sybil cried at length, Horace is cheating! Well, that is very naughty of him — but, dear, mother replied, reprovingly I happened to see you doing the same thing a few minutes ago! Oh, well, Sybil said, that’s different. I only do it when its necessary!

Friend: I wonder, Ethel that you allowed the Frenchman to kiss you in the conservatory. Ethel: I couldn’t help it. Friend: Why couldn’t you? Ethel: Because I can’t speak French. •

How did you like the opera, Minna? It was lovely, ma’am. It was “Lohergrin.” So you made the acquaintance of Wagner? No, ma’am, he told me his name was Miller.

Doctor: An operation would save your life. Patient: How much would it cost? Doctor: £SO. Patient: I don’t possess so much money. Doctor: Then we will see what pills will do.

Doctor: How many patients have died to-day? Nurse: Three, sir. Doctor: But I prescribed medicine for four. Nurse: Yes, but one refused to take it.

Mistress: In the time it takes me to tell you how to do the work, I could do it myself. Matilda Jane: Yes’m. And in the time it takes me to listen to you, so could 1..

A fortune teller said I should go to prison for embezzling money entrusted to me.

Don’t believe it. Who would entrust money to you?

Professor: Science has made such progress that we can now send pictures by wireless.Lady in audifence: Really, ready framed?

Jimmy (watching something tasty going into sick-room): Please, Ma, can I have the measles when Willie’s done with them!

I’ve been thinking, my son, of retiring next year and leaving the business to you.

There’s no hurry, is there, Dad? You go ahead and work a few years more and then we can retire together.”

Wifie: I’ve bought you a beautiful surprise for your birthday—it has just arrived.

Husband: I am curious to see it

Wifie: Wait a minute and I will put it on.

She (after the quarrel): Everything in the house is mine—money, furniture, clothes. What did you have before you married me? He: Peace.

“Before Bill was married he said that he’d be boss in his own house or know the reason why.” “And now he’s married?” “He knows the reason why.”

Barber (shaving a customer): Will you have anything on your face when I’ve finished, sir? Victim: Well, it doesn’t seem likely. Schoolmaster: Can any boy tell me what is meant by the “yellow peril?” Bright Boy: Please, sir, a banana skin left on the pavement.

Little Girl: I forgot to ask you to come to my picnic to-morrow. Will you? Vindictive Youngster: It’s too late now. I prayed for a blizzard!

Youth (to the girl seated at the other side of the lounge): What would you say if I were to throw you a kiss?

Girl: I’d say you were the laziest man I ever met.

Notice in Grocery: Provided you get one bad egg from us we will, on your returning it, give you two for

Pupil’s Father: Is my son well grounded on the classics? Tutor: I would go further than that, sir. I should say that he was positively stranded on them.

He (gnawing at wife’s hard cake): It’s a pity I’m not an ostrich. Wife: Yes, you’re right; then I’d have a chance to get a decent feather for my hat once in a while.