IN LIGHTER VEIN

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXIV, Issue 3239, 6 December 1930, Page 6

IN LIGHTER VEIN

"My wife has been usin4' a fleshreducing roller for nearly two months." "And can you see any results?'' «Yes—the roller is much thinner!" Farmer (to druggist) : Now, be sure and write plain on them bottles which is for the Jersey cow and which is for my wife. I don't want nothin' to 'appen to that Jersey cow." "Only yesterday," said Jones, who was discussing philanthrophy, "I refused a woman a small sum of money,'and in consequence I passed a sleepless night. The tone of her reproachful voice never left me for a moment." "Dear me, indeed a kind heart! Who was the woman?" "My wife." Black bugs in my garden patch, And speckled bugs and red; A funny little striped bug With whiskers on his head; And green bugs, purple bugs, And bugs of salmon hue, And all of them seem happy, For none of them are blue.

Magistrate: And you were having words with your wife? Defendant: Not with 'erd, your honour, from 'er.

"Now, who remembers the name of the animal we were talking about yesterday?" asked the teacher. "Please sir, the warmer." "The warmer! What nonsense—there's no such animal." Another little hand shot up. "Please, sir, he means the otter!"

A tourist was prowling round an old Scottish churchyard. His eye caught the epitaph: "Lord, She Was Thin."

"I say, sexton, what a strange inscription?" "That's a' right, the sculptor went ower near the edge o' the stone. He didna' leave room for the letter V."

Grandmother: When I was a girl we used to keep our money in our stocking tops. Granddaughter: Awfully ' risky nowadays, grandma, to put it where it could be seen so easily!'

Old Ben: Thanks for the sermon, Parson.

Parson: I'm glad you liked it, Ben.

Old Ben: Yes. Yer taught me summat. I had always thought till ter-day that Sodom and Gomorrah was 'usband and wife.

"I ain't got no use for books," said the ancient cab-driver. "I never did care for 'em, but as I can't read that may have something to do with it."

A married man, much against his own inclination, had to attend a fancy dress ball with his wife. He went dressed as a Roman, but soon found the short airy robes very draughty. Feeling thoroughly disgusted, he sat out in a corridor. A bright young thing, anxious to air her knowledge of Roman historical heroes, said brightly: "Ah! You are 'Appius Claudius'?" "No, I'm not," he retorted. "I'm miserable as hell."

The vicar was batting in the village cricket match, and in his first over a very risky short run was met with a confident appeal for run out. The village barber was officiating as umpire, and he answered the appeal with an emphatic "not out." "Ah," said the batsman with a sigh of relief, "that was a very close shave."

"It was, sir," agreed the umpire. "And if you weren't a very regular customer I should have said: 'Next gentleman, please!' "•

A lorry-driver was cranking up his engine vigorously, but not very successfully. A girl at the wheel of a large sporting car pulled up beside him, put a match to her cigarette and suggested: "Perhaps it would be better if you cut off your air."

The perspiring driver looked up.

" 'Ere, miss," he said, "an Eton crop may suit your style of beauty, but you can keep your personal remarks to yourself."

"So he said I was a polished gentleman, did he?" "Well, yes. It meant the same thing." "Ah What was the exact word?" "He said you were a slippery fellow." Lawyer (to wife) : Hide all your valuables. "Why?" "The man I got acquitted for a charge of theft is coming to thank me to-night." "Bredren," said a negro preacher, "when yo' hears Gabriel sound his horn, yo' wants to be ready to jump." "Mah goodness!" exclaimed one of the congregation, "am he comin' in a motor car?"

Excited Wife: Oh, dear, the maid has fallen and broken her collarbone. Professor: Discharge her at once. You told her what to expect if she broke anything more. Teacher: What are the four elements? Pupil: Water, earth, air— Teacher: Come, what causes all the accidents? Pupil: Motor cars. First Knut: Didn't you used to have Miss Flyfly's photo in that frame there? Second Knut: Yes, but I got rid of it when I proposed and she gave me the negative. "Hello, Macßride! I didn't know you went to football matches!" "It was like this; I don't as a rule come in here, but as I was passing just now the man at the turnstile fainted." Wife: John, mother was so pleased with all those nice things you said about her in your letter to me. You see, she opened it by mistake. Hubby: Yes, I thought she would.

"Yes, my friend," said the theological lecturer, "some admire Moses, who instituted the old law; some Paul, who spread the new. But, after all, which character in the Bible had the largest follow-

ing?"

As he paused a voice from the back bench shouted, "Ananias!"

An amateur *angler who was not up to the tricks of the game had been whipping the water without success for an hour or so when the bailiff marched up.

"Are you aware," said the newcomer, menacingly, "that this is preserved water?" "Is it?" said the angler, "I thought there was something funny about it."

An advocate, pleading on behalf of a child four years old, brought it before the court, and in his peroration took it in his arms.

The child wept, and its tears, along with the advocate's eloquence, moved the jury.

The opposing advocate, disturbed to see the emotion, said to the child, "My dear, why are you cry-

ing?" . "He's pinching me," replied the little one.

The counsel had just asked a question, and the accused did not grasp the meaning. "Counsel means that you should tell the Court what happened," said the judge.

"Indeed, I won't!" was the indignant answer; "what do you suppose I pleaded not guilty for?"

The lion tamer and his wife were leaning against the cage. Friend: I wouldn't be in your place for something. You must feel uncomfortable at times.

Lion Tamer: Oh, one gets used to anything in time. Friend: But lions are lions Lion Tamer: Lions? I thought you were talking about my wife!

Juryman: I beg to be excused, your Honour. I owe a man £lO and as he is leaving for a long trip abroad I want to catch him before he gets on the train and pay him the £lO. It may be my last chance."

Judge: You are excused. I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like that.

A young man fresh from the Sudan was explaining to a party the excellent construction of a stern-wheel steamer that allows of it being navigated in the shallowest waters.

"Smart, I guess," said an American beside him, "but just before I left New York they had launched a river boat with such a shallow draught that it would sail anywhere where it was damp.'.'