IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XXII, Issue 2515, 17 December 1927, Page 7

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

The kindly o’d fjbntleman felt very sorry for the tramp. “My goodness!’ he gasped. “And you say that y°n are 15,000 miles from home?” “That’s right, sir,” answered the tramp hopefully. “And where is your home?” “Australia.” “Dear me, dear me! Take this, my good man. And how do you ever expect to get back there?” The “good man” looked hard at the penny in lm hand. “Well, if I don’t do better than this,” he said, thoughtfully, “I s'pose I’ll have to walk!”

A lady who took a great interest in her servants and their welfare recently engagted a new maid. “Have you any special interest, Mary?” «ho asked in her kind way. “Anything you are taking up or that you care about?” “Well, mum,” replied the simple Mary, “I ’ave been taking up with the baker’s boy, but I don’t know as ’ow I cares for ’im much!”

“Ladv,’ said the tramp, “would you lend me a cake of soap?” “Do you mean to tell me you want some soap?” “Yes’m. Mo partner’s got the hiccups, an’ I want to scare him.”

Mo Andrews, the chemist (at 2 a.m.) : “What do you want?” Sandy: “Two ponnorth of bicarbonate of soda for my wife’s indigestion.” McAndrews: “The idea! At this time of night, when a glass of hot water does just- as well!” Sandy (hastily): “Wcel, weel! Thanks for the advice; I’ll nae bother y© after all. Goodnight!”

Fair Customer: “Has this car all the modern improvements ” Salesman: “Everything/, madam, but a beautiful owner.”

Madge: “Did you say, ‘This is so sudden’ when Tom proposed ” Maud: “I didn’t have the nerve. You know how ho stutters.”

Jinks: “Do you think Miss R. would marry me if I should ask her?” Binks: “Sim looks a smart sort of girl, but she might.”

He: “My people are bothering me to marry Miss Mayford.” She: “You’d he very lucky if you did. She is clever and beautiful.” He: “Oh, 1 don’t want to marry brains and beauty. I want to marry you.”

A man riding a horse stopped at the door of a bank. An urchin ran forward. - “Hey, mister, kin I hold yer horse.” asked thie boy. “No, you inefedu’t,” snappfed the .maki,. “My horse will not run away.” “I didn’t think he would,” responded the street arab; ‘but I just thought as how he might fall down!”

Miss Young: “And you’re going to marry old Bounder. I warn you that he’ll lead a double life.” Miss Older: “Well, if I don’t marry him I’ll have to lead a sing/le one, and that’s worse.”

Anxious Father (from top of stairs): “Mary Jane!” Mary Jane: “Yes, father.” “Is it eleven o’clock yet ” “Yes, father.” “Well, give the young man my compliments and ask him to close the front door from the outside.”

Dauughter: “I lost my heart last night, father. I accepted Mr Harduppe.” Father (grimly): “H’m; I think it must have been your head that you lost.”

In the market-place a travelling auctioneer was trying to dispose of his wares, but the townspeople were slow to purchase “Look here,” shouted the salesman in desperation, “hero is a bargain.—• 25 postcards for one penny. Who’ll have ’em?”

A young fellow in the front row eyecl the tempting bait eagerly as he began to fumble in his pockets, but before he could withdraw the necessary “brown,” his mother laid a restraining hand on his shoulder. “No, no, Jim,’ she whispered loudly, “it’s a fraud. I’ve see’d ’em, an’ there ain’t no stamps on ’em!”

“Mother: Behave yourself, Tommy. What would your teacher say if you were to behave like that in school? Tommy: He would say ‘ ‘Behave yourself. Remember you are not at home now!”

Fagg: “Simpkins has given up prose, and is going to devote himself to poetry hereafter.” Waglg: “That is to say, he is going from bad to verse.”

Miss A.: “Why, I thought you knew her. She lives in the samo square with you.” Miss B.: “Perhaps; but she does not move in the same circle.”

“You know De Lancey? He claims to be a born actor.” “Oh, he is no good. He never got an encore but once in his life.” “When was that?” “When ho was born. He was a twin.”

“It’s simply impossible for me to find bread for my family,” said the 1/pajßerl. “Sarnie here;, r ’ rejoined ;the business man. “I have to work for it.”

He: “Then you like the idea of my coming out without a hat?” She: “It isn’t that, but I’d sooner see you without a hat than wearing the sort of hat you would wear if you woro a hat.”

Stern Father: “So you wish to marhy my daughter, eh?” Young Man: “That’s what I said.” “Do you think you will be able to provide for her in the style to which she lias always been accustomed?” “I’m certain of it. Why, last week she refused to accompany mo to the theatre because she liad no clothes fit to wear.”

Bald-headed Man (who has asked for a haircut) : “Do you want me to take my collor off?” Barber: “No, sir, it isn’t necessary, and you can keep your hat on if you want to do so.”

“And so your little baby brother can talk now, can. he ?” asked the lady visitor. “Yes,” said little Harold; “he can say some words very well.” “How nice. And what words are they?” “I don’t know,” replied Harold, shaking his head. “I never heard of them before.”

Magistrate: “The sergeant has stated that you used terrible language when you were stopped.” Defendant: “Well, I was. in a tantrum at the time.” Magistrate: \“Tbe make of your car doesn’t interest me.”

The young man paused attentively iu the act of removing his coat, and glanced towards the hostess. “It’s my daughter breaking into song;,” she explained, proudly. “Yes, she sounds as if she were breaking in; obviously she cannot find the key,” was the cynical reply.

The young girl had refused the millionaire, who was twice her age. He was very angry. “Even Cupid,” said he, “could no nothing) with yiou. You’re like an iceberg;. Why, a hundred Cupids might shoot at you all day long. Not one arrow would make any impression on your stone-cold heart.” “Not if they used an old beau,” retorted the girl.

Teacher: “An anonymous person is one who does not wish to be known! Now, then, who is that laughing in the class ” Voice: “An anonymous person, teacher.”

Familiar Bore: “Funny, but you are always busy when I come in.” Victim: “But still you come in.”

Day: “I find there is a £SOO mortgage oil the property you sold me. You never said anything about it.” Gay: “Certainly I did. Didn’t I distinctly tell you it had all modem improvements ?”

Harold: “I wish I’d never spoken to your father, Daisy. You let me down shamefully.” Daisy : “How can you say that?” “You did—you told me that he wore carpet slippers.”

Mr Black: “I never knew Green had twins!” Mrs Black: “My dear, he married a telephone gjirl, and, of course, she gave him the wrong number.”

Johnson: “I hear you are about to marry Miss Simpkins. Now tell me— I am asking for my own guidance—what did you say to her when she mentioned the subject of marrying?” Biggs: “I simply said, ‘Yes, dear.’”

Artist: “I painted this picture, sir, to keep the wolf from the door.” Dealer (after inspecting it): “Well, hang it on to the knob, where the wolf can see it.”

Mrs Henpeck (hearing) a rumpus): “Charles, I’d like to know what you are up to now?” Mr Henpeck (feebly): “I suppose, my dear, I can fall down the cellar stairs if I want to.”

Moneybags: “Can you make a suitable financial provision for my daughter, Mr SpendallP” Jack S.: “I hope so. She shall have half of whatever you give us.”

“Is Brown happy in his marriage?” “Well, I think if Brown were to see Mrs Brown to-day for the first time, he wouldn’t even ask for an introduction.”

Hicks: “We had a great time a the club last night. Sorry not to see you there, Charley.” Mrs Porter (after Hicks had gone) : “Why, Charley, you told me you spent tho whole of last evening at the club.” Mrs Porter (with great presence of mind): “So 1 did, my dear. Tho reason Hicks didn’t see me was because he wasn’t there himself. Trying to deceive his wife, probably!” Mrs Porter: “Tho wretch! And be would try’ to rob me of the confidence I hove in you! 1 always did see something about that mail I didn’t like.”

Mrs Stormyweather, who had been engaged in a somewhat prolonged and heated dialogue with her husband, beat a dignified retreat so soon as she found she was getting the worst of the argument, and turned her attention to culinary matters as a balm to her ruffled soul. “Jane,” she said, “1 want you to put on your things at once, and go out and see if you can get me a plaice.” “Yes’m,” replied Jane, with alacrity. “And while I’m about it I may as well look for ono myself, too, for I’m blest if I can stand the master any more than you!”

A barber was much surprised to receive a tip before ho had cut his customer’s hair. “Thank you, sir. It isn’t many customers who tip first, ’ ho said. “That isn’t a tip,” snapped the man in the chair. “That’s hush money.”

“I think, George,” remarked Mrs Gregson, as she came in from the kitchen, “that we ought to invite the Blundells to dinner this evening.” Her husband threw aside his paper and removed his spectacles. “Er—what was that, my dear?” he asked nervously. His wife repeated her remark in a firmer voice. “But why do you say ‘we ought’?” “Well,” replied the other, “their Butcher happened to leave their meat- here by mistake, and it seems only fair.”

A special preacher, about to ascend "tlio pulpit in a country church, was asked if lie would like any particular hymn to he sung to agjree with his sermon. “No, no,” he replied. “As a matter of fact, I hardly ever know what I am going to say until I arrive in the pulpit.” “Oil, well, in that case,” said tho vicar, “we had better have the hymn ‘for those at sea.’ ”

“That’s a nice-looking young fellow who’s just come in,’ said tile young man who was dining with his best girl. “Is he a friend of yours?” “Yes, indeed. I know him well,” laugihed the maiden. “Shall I ask him to join us?” “Oh, George!” said the girl, blushing, “this is so sudden.” “SuddenWhat do you mean?” h© asked in surprise. “Why—why, that’s our young minister.”