IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XX, Issue 2101, 9 April 1925, Page 2

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

TEMPERATURE AND MIND. "People whose pulse is- slow and whose temperature is low are more likely tof be more intelligent than those with faster pulse and higher temperature."—Professor Karl Pearson. I look at poor old Jones to-day, "With pity in my eye • He tells me that his pulse is fast, His tem'prature is high. I thought him so intelligent, I envied, him his brain. But after what I've learned to-day I never shall again!

That I am more intelligent Than he is now I know, I took my temp'rature last night, And it was frightf'lly low.

And since I tried my pulse, poor Jones In my esteem has dropped Still further, for I found that it Had practically stopped!

"That's a lie!" shouted the golfer, as the ball stopped six inches froim the hole.

Talkative Barber (about to lather) : "Do you mind shutting your mouth, sir?" Tired Customer: "No—do you?"

First Girl: "What air was that you were playing laqrb night?" Second Girl: "A millionaire, and I landed him."

"Didn't I see the grocer's boy kiss you this morning, Mary?" "Yes'm; but he ain't to blame. 'Twas the iceman set him a bad example." » » » * »

Mrs X.: "Why have you never sued any of your divorced husbands for alimony?" Mrs Y.: "By the time I'm ready to leave a man he's always bankrupt.'''

* * * * * "Little 80-Peep lost all her sheep," sang >the little girl. "Serves her right for going out with a crook," muttered her brother.

Head of the House (in angry tones) : "Who told you tu put that paper on the wall?" Decorator: "Your wife, sir." "Pretty, isn'»t it?"

Doctor: "You're coiughing more easily this morning." Patient: "Yes. practised a lot through the night."

Voice over Telephone: "My husband will not be down to-day. He didn't get much sleep last night." Boss: "Whaft's the matter; is he ill?" Voice: ':'No. Crossword puzzle." *****

Teacher: "If one man can build a house in 12 days, six men can do it in two days." Bright Pupil: "Then if one ship crossed the ocean in six days, can six ships cross it in one day?"

Mr Bacon: ' 'Did you hear those measly roosters crowing this morning earlyP" Mrs Bacon: "Yes, dear." Mr Bacon: "I wonder what on earth they want to do that for " Mrs Bacon: "Why, don't you remember, dear, you got up one morning early, and you crowed aboufb it for a week?"

Max: "Did my wife make a speech at the meeting this afternoon?" Wells: "Well, I don't believe I've ever met your wife; but a large, distin-guished-looking woman got up and started, by saying that she couldn't find words to express her feelings." "That wasn\t my wife "

Brown: "Do you have to) work long hours?" Clown: "No, only the regulation length—6o minutes each,"

Humour and pathos were blended in a question as;ked by a little patient in a London hospital the otlner day. She came from a very poor home, and soon after being admitted the sister gave her a cuj> of warm milk., "How far down can i drink?" she apked appealingly.

Two Emporia men were discussing their radios. Said one:— "Ours is the best little set in the world. The other night we got Los Angeles and Havana."

"Well/' said the other, *'ours is a selective set. I heard a violin and banjo playing Sunday night at Pittsburg, and I tuned out the violin."

The captain was relating his adventures.

"Just imagine," he said), "the cannibals had dragged me to the fire and were tying me to a stake, when the chief's wife whispered a few* words in his ear and, I was released.' 7 "Ah," breathed a lady of uncertain age. She had fallen in love with you."

"No, she had mislaid her cook book. Long before it was found I Jnad fled." * * * *

A visitor to England fmm U.S.A. was exultantly comparing the extensive railways of America wifeh the short systems of the United Kingdom. bay, ' he said, "I can board the cars in my home State of Kentucky at seven in the morning. I can travel all that day and all that nitrht, and! at eight (the next morning I "am still In the State of Kentucky. I gue ss «tho Old Country can't show anything IHkei that." "Afa!" replied a bored voSee, "we have gpc trains like that—bujt we don't boast, ajbout them."

The Manchester Guardian quotes this amusing example of "literary" English from a leqter written by a stude rat to the headmaster of a missionary 3lnstitution in South Africa: "My Loi :d I find I will be unable to be at the aperture of the Inst, on the 13th Pe b. On returning from my holidays I foui id that my brother had fallen asleeu. Tl to incident of the accident was a lion."