IN LIGHTER VEIN.

King Country Chronicle, Volume XVIII, Issue 1856, 1 September 1923, Page 3

IN LIGHTER VEIN.

“Now,” said the school teacher during reading lessons, glancing round the class, “can any of you tell what is the meaning of divers diseases?” “Please Sir,”, said Tommy with superb confidence, “divers diseases is water on the brain!” ***** In London I notice they are discussing the question: What is a, club ? The best answer that I know was given by the Bishop of London years ago. He said that a club was a place where the women cease from troubling and the wicked are at rest.” ***** The other day a man met his old schoolmaster, whom he had not seen for 30 years. The old master looked blank and said: “You have the advantage of me.” His erstwhile pupil replied : ‘ ‘Thirty years ago you had the advantage of me.” Then recognition was mutual.

***** Brown: How do you raise potatoes in such a dry summer? Jones: Planted onions among them. You see, the onions maide their eyes water so that they do not mind the dry weather at all . ***** lam in trouble again. My wife came home furious from a shopping excursion and told me _ that she asked one of the assistants in a, blouse department of a local draper, for a cheap blouse to put on around the house, and the girl asked: “How big is the house?” And I laughed. ***** As Tompkins was on his way home after nightfall lie collided with Jenkins, who was running as fast as his bulk would allow him. “Why this hurry, Jenkins? he inquired. “I’m going— for—the police,” said Jenkins, between pants. “We’ve got a burglar in our house.” “But surely, you haven’t left your wife alone?” “Oh, no! She’s holding the burglar.” ***** Jones arrived home unexpectedly one morning and found his wife’s Irish washerwoman the only occupant of the house. “Do you know anything about my wife’s whereabouts?” lie asked the rnieen of the.tub. “Faith, an’ Oil) don’t, Misther Jones,” she replied. “There’s nary a soign of them in the wash this week.’ ***** The shades of night had fallen fast, Breakfast time had come at last; A plate of food before him placed, He wondered at the funny taste. Excelsior!

* * * * * “I’m off that bird Jones for life.” “How so?” “Why, the other day he asked me to come into his cellar to see his new furnace.” “Yes?” “He had a new furnace!” ***** “Does your fiancee know much about automobiles?” “Heavens, no; she asked me it I cooled my car by stripping the gear.” * * * *' * A small man may make a big job shrink, but it takes a big man to make a small job grow. ***** The taxi suddenly came to a halt in the middle of the street. , “What’s the matter?” called the man from the back street. “I thought the young lady said ‘stop,’ ” answered the chauffe.ur. “Well, she wasn’t talking to you.” ***** When Mike Flannigan, the contractor, got up in the world, his wife and daughters surrounded themselves with many comforts and household conveniences. One Sunday afternoon an old friend visited them, and while he was there the maid wheeled into the room a. vehicle containing light refreshments. “Phwat’s that thing, Mike?” asked til 8 Csllcv* “Why, that’s a tay-waggon,” replied Flannagan. “A tay-waggon, it ut?” rejoined the other. “Shnre, I’d call it a push cart that’s broke into sassiety.” ***** Customer (looking at socks) : “Aren’t they rather loud?” Shop Assistant: “Yes, sir. They are specially made for people whose feet are in the habit of going to sleep.” ***** “So Dusty is in gaol again. What have dey got him doin’?” “He’s kinder proof- readin’, as usual.” “How’d yer mean?” “Puttin’ in periods after de Judge’s sentences.”

Village Doctor (to old elder who is paying a call): “But surely, Saunders, you will have a. drop' of something before you go?” Saunders: “No, thank ye, doctor.I’ve three glide reasons for refusing your hospitality. First, I’m the chairman of the local temperance society; second, I’m just gaein’ tae a kirk meet; and third, I’ve just had one.”