WHEN KING NEPTUNE COMES ON BOARD.

Hauraki Plains Gazette, Volume XXXXII, Issue 2803, 20 November 1931, Page 4 (Supplement)

WHEN KING NEPTUNE COMES ON BOARD.

MAKING MERRY AT THE EQUATOR. (Notes from the Diary of a Landlubber who is now a Shellback.)

What ho 1 ye soft-shelled ones who think yourselves sailors. Ye gullible landlubbers who have not paid me tribute in my own court. My greetings to you. The royal torture chamber is well prepared to agonise ye in your deepest miseries. Repent ye, those who must—ye may be passed to the other shore before ye leave my court. Prepare for the worst. The meaner ye have been, the more ye will get. “ By order of His Imperial Majesty. (Signed) Davy Jones, Royal Scribe.” This note appeared mysteriously on the bulletin boards several nights before the ship crossed the Equator. “According to sailor lore. ” the writer explains, “ the waters of the Seven Seas are ruled over by Neptunus Rex. the Old Man of the Sea, whose glory is limitless, whose power is boundless, and whose wrath is terrible. His home is at the Equator, across which he allows no ship to pass without visitation and tribute; and no person may journey through his domain without undergoing an initiation into his crew of ‘ Shellbacks ’ unless, fortunately, he can produce convincing proof of having previously been put through. “ Those who have never crossed the Equator are ‘ landlubbers.’ Aftei crossing, they are * shellbacks,’ and henceforth worry all timid landlubbers with blood-curdling tales of tortures to be expected when it comes theii time to cross.” Nor are these tales pure fiction, our yeoman hastens to assure us. “As the ship edged closer to the Equator, every shellback on board made it his business to spread wild rumours and yarns calculated to render life increasingly miserable for all the ‘ eligibles ’ aboard. Two shellbacks would saunter carelessly into earshot of several novices to carry on a solemn conversation about the horrors to be expected from Hie Sea King’s visit. After their own experiences, it seems, they had hobbled about more dead than alive and administering first aid to their injured mates. A shellback would on the slightest provocation relate in awful detail dramatic scenes. In due course of time His Majesty arrives. Through the starboard hawse-pipe and into the glare of the powerful searchlights crawled Davy Jones himself, the hoary mariner, a dread figure of long, long ago, dressed in dripping slicker, sou’-wester, and broad-topped rubber boots flapping with his stride. “ Ship ahoy 1 What ship ? ” The roar shot cold chills through stiffened spines. His curiosity satisfied, he and his assistant settled down to the more serious business. They produced from a small pouch a large package of official-looking envelopes containing the indictments and summons for the morrow’s serious business, distributed them, and with a final bellowing: “ Gangway—let a heavy sea roll by I ” disappeared into the depths from whence they came. Envelopes were opened with nervous fingers. “ Being a landlubber," one of them read, “and entering our aqueous and equinoctial regions without due and submissive ceremony, you are hereby ordered to appear in person before My Most August Presence in Latitude 0000, Longitude 165:40 W. on the date stipulated, to explain your most contumacious conduct and to accept most heartily, and with good grace, the pains and penalties of that awful torture which will be inflicted upon you, so that you may become an Honoured Shellback. —(Signed) Neptunus Rex, Ruler of the Raging Main.” No landlubber slept that night. With the morning came a tenseness in the very sea air, portending plankwalking, ropes’ ends, keel-hauling, and such piratical activities. At the proper time the engines were stopped for two minutes in deference to custom, 'to pick up the Royal party.’ A portion of the forecastle had been screened off to allow th Imperial party to assemble the Court. On a signal the screen was drawn aside.

The royal trumpeters blared out four honorary ruffles, and we then beheld the Great Ruler of the Raging Main in al) his grandeur, surrounded by his courtiers. With him came the Queen, beautiful Amphritite, and her daughter, the fair Princess Undine. Trundled carefully along the deck in his sturdy buggy by his private nurse was the Royal Baby, anointed with oil and pitch to a deep ebony hue, re-

markable for his 225 lbs and lusty lungs. He made an unforgettable picture as he lay clad in the usual baby garment, clutching a milk bottle that held a full Imperial quart. After parading the decks, carefully inspecting the ship and crew, the party took station for the ceremony. A throne had been built for the King and family, a rostrum for the judges and attorneys, a surgeon’s operating table, a dentist’s chair, a scaffold presided over bv the Royal Hangman, and four barber chairs held by triggers which, when, released by a light kick, sudednly fell, throwing their occupants backward into a huge tank filled with salt water. Artisans in the ship’s carpenter shop had made 12-inch wooden razors, handles painted black, blades steel colour. Policemen’s billies were made of canyas filled with sawdust, soaked in brine. Ugly pistols were turned out of pine. A stock was constructed to accommodate a pair of legs and arms. In the sick bay great batches of pills were turned out, large as marbles and made mostly of soap. “ In a brief speech the King suggested that the assembled officers and men should be proud in the thought that they too had crossed that great invisible line which divides the earth into a Northern and a Southern Hemisphere, proud to be facing unafraid the same trial and ordeals that so many, many mariners have faced before them. “ Hca'dcd by the captain, every prospective initiate was arraigned before the court, tried, convicted, and sentenced. ■ Officers were fined such things as cigars, cigarettes, and ginger ale; but juniors were given the regular initiation. The enlisted men were sent for and escorted from the stockade, or Davy Jones’ Locker. When reelased they were ordered to march, halted, and asked if that were the proper manner co approach a king, and ordered to their hands and knees, then back to their feet and down again at the urging of heavy billies. When sentenced, the wretched individuals were pounced upon by the Royal Hangman, Electricians, Dentists, Surgeons, Devils, or the Royal Barber’s Cat. In the Dentist’s chair you indicated which tooth was bothering you, and received a spray of salt water, tar, and soap in the cavity, topped off by an enormous pill. You survived the electric chdir somehow, only to be hustled to the operating table, where the Royal Surgeons argued and gesticulated wildly over your remains the while they cut, whacked, probed, and sprayed, and the Royal Funeral Director and Embalmer gazed hopefully. Finally you reached the barber chair, sans 98 per cent of the nice clean clothing put on fresh that morning. You told your barber how you liked your hair, and he proceeded to part it for you with a heavy brush loaded with crude oil and tar. Then, with a final smear of the brush across your face, “to make your whiskers grow,” you were sailed backwards into an eight-foot tank of salt water in which other initiates had left a deposit of the cosmetics dealt you. When you struggled to the surface at least two “ bears ” were waiting for you, and if you said nothing you were quickly ducked under again. Upon emerging a second time you looked info the merry eyes of your tormentors and wondered what you would say, when—down into the mess again. With vour final gasp you yelled “ Shellback 1 ” the spell was broken, and you were hustled out of the tank to repair to your quarters and scrape and scrub yourself raw trying to clean up.