TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

Hokitika Guardian, 29 January 1927, Page 4

TOLD THE MAGISTRATE

( Bv It. E. Carder). LONDON, Dec. 6. P.C. 1G92 Iv' was taking the baby tor an airing along Bow-road, K. ; on S-*t-urday afternoon when a runaway horse in solo charge of a van galloped past. Placing the baby on the pavement and telling it to ho good, the father, realising that he was a policeman even if he was off duty, pursued the flying horse, spurred on by the protesting cries or his indignant infant. But he had not far to run, for P.C. 1017 C, one of the best sprinters in his division, appeared in uniform and in form, and in a thrilling 200-yards dash he caught and checked the guiloping horse. P.C. 1002 K, returning to apologise to his angry infant, met Edward, the driver of the horse, who arrived at the finishing post a had third. Noticing the Charlestou-liko action of Edward, P.C. 1047 C arrested him on the suspicion of being drunk, a suspicion confirmed by a doctor at the police station; and at Thames Police Court yesterday JuiwUrd was remanded for the production of further evidence. Lovers of children ami animals will be glad to know that neither the infant nor the horse was any worse for Edward’s adventure. * * * * Young William and his step-father had a difference of opinion over Wi 1 - lianv.s mother on Saturday afternoon, with the result that the step-father went to Poplar Hospital to have his head bandaged, and young "William appeared yesterday in the dock charged with 'having introduced his stepfather’s head to the kitchen poker. He said he found his step-father kicking his mother, so he hit him. “Why don’t you hit him with something harder?” advised an interested crowd, so young William, accepting the advise, hit his step-father on the head with the, kitchen poker, the hardest thing ho could find at the moment. The step-father complained that his wife started “Jangling and jawing. ’ and then threw at him everything she could lay her hands on. Ylost ot the missiles went wide, but those that didn’t intruded a washing tub, a chopper, and an earthenware mug. A constable who visited the house agreed that everything movable had certainly been moved. “J somehow think."’ said Mr Cairns, the magistrate, sully, “that if young people saw what I see down here there would be a slump in matrimony.” after which pessimistic reflection he remanded young William for a week on bail.

Hopping into court like a baby elephant playing hopscotch, Annie Macdonald. whose only trouble was a. slight bruise on the knee, said she had Ik-cu celebrating her daughter’s birthdpy, and she was still celebrating when an ambulance removed her from the doorstep of a public house. “I have two daughters,” remarked Mr Cairns, “but T do not propose to celeb.tite their birthdays in that fashion. Oo away.” An Trisli sergeant shook his head sad 1 " at Mrs Howard, who. arrayed in a. long velvet coat, glared deiiantlv from the dock. ‘‘She was standing outside the house, and daring her husband to come out,” said the. sergeant. ‘‘l went inside and saw the husband. A decent, quiet ntm, he was not saying a, word, ami he wouldn’t go to his wife, who was mad drunk and wanted to heat him up for turning the gas out.”

•‘And me the mother of thirteen children!” remarked Airs Howard scorn fully as she it.is bound over.

Rejoicing at his own nativity John Moore went, dancing down the pavement. informing everybody that it was his birthday, his solitary and sanguinary birthday. ‘‘What about the finer” inquired the magistrate. “Depends on the amount,” replied John Moore, cautiously. •HVii all tilings,” suggested Air fa i rns. “Agreed,” said John Moore, who was beginning to feel the burden of many birthdays. *’ *• * * * Robert, a young husband, bad had his first quarrel with his wife, and he banged the door and went out to drown his misery. Later lie*,was found by a constable banging violently at 'a door. “Was it his own door?” asked the magistrate.

“It appears it wasn’t.” mid Robert sadly. “I don’t remember anything about it.”

“What does your wife say?” inquired Air Cairns.

“Sue is very disgusted and so .am T. but (brightly) wo have made it up,” said tin l very young husband, who cheerfully paid 7s fid.

Hakon Anderson, a buoyant and ht-nvny Norwegian sailor, beamed on the interpreter from the dock; but there wore no answering smiles from two constables whom Hakon the Strong had, in a, mood of alcoholic iirospoiisihilitv. placed on the sick list.

“1 mot him in the West India Dockroad on Saturday night.” said Con- 1 stable No. 1. “and T saw him kick at ; a passing seaman. I stopped them from fighting, iaiul this Norwegian first j kicked my wrist, then his foot caught I ill my trousers, and it, took four other ( constables to discntagle us.” i “While we were separating them,” ■ complained Constable No. 2, “lie j kicked me on the right knee and j brought me to the ground.” Still smiling pleasnntly, Hnkon the j Strong was fined 40s, and sent to J prison for 21 days. Observing the j smile, the interpreter severely repented the sentence, but HukoiTs smile was prison-proof.

At ono o’clock on Sunday morning three harassed men stood over Thomns, of the white hair, who regarded them distastefully from a recumbent position on a doorstep. “What’s the matter?” demanded a passing policeman. “It’s our doorstep, and he won’t move, and we want to shut up the shop.” exclaimed one of the three. “Get up.” ordered the officer. “Shan’t” said Thomas, patting the doorstep. “It’s mine. I won it.” Lifted up by the constable. Thomas promptly sat down again. “AVe have been lifting him up for tho last half-hour,” remarked one of the three sorrowfully. Eventually Thomas took a. ride in ' the ambulance, which cost him 30s.

“T had a cold, so I drank some port, and it was all over in ten minutes.” remarked Susan reflectively. “The cold?” queried Air Cairns. “Afe. the world, everything!” replied Susan, more in surprise than sorrow. * ♦ * * Alary, very contrary, started to tidy up the High-street. Bethnel Green, and began by throwing dust-bins off the pavement into the roadway. “A’ou must not do that,” Hid a constable. dodging a shower of cabbage I leaves and cinders. I* “This place needs a spring cleaning,” retorted Alary, lutiving another dustbin across the road. The constable, realising with the scientists that dirt is merely matter in the wrong place, removed Mary to a nice clean cell for the use of which she yi.i.s charged 3s. J Tali, broad, and genial, John, who j wore his great coat buttoned up to the i chin, jauntily approached a constable , in Golden-lane, and, after passing the I time of night. remarked casually; “ 1 Invc you seen the broken widow up . the street?” “Not yet.” replied the interested I officer. “What is it like. - ' I “Oh. not had, a s broken windows j go.” said John airily. “Come along i and I’ll show it to you.” | “It’s broken all right.” observed the : constable as the pair stool in front of the snOslied window. “When did yon notice it first?” _ j “Right a wav.” said John genially. “You see, I did it myself with my fist just to see if anything would liapoen.” The climax was tame. John being merely remanded for a week. Early in September Albert Revel!, who bad never bad an adventure in his 22 years of life, decided to take a holiday that .would make a kineim player look dull. Having perfected his plans, he lav in wait until his

employer (placed the weekly wages, amounting to £67. in a desk, and then Albert promptly appropriated the same and set out on his adventure. First lie went to their neighbourhood of the Elephant and (bstle. and there brought himself a new suit. Then, hearing the call of the country, ho visited Heigate, bought a bicycle, and explored at his leisure the woods and lanes of Surrey. Next he hood the summons of the sea. and he took hims°lf, his bietde. and his new suit to seaside resorts. His next rail was the voice of conscience and, having spent all. his money, ho gave himsell up and w;is remanded. * * * *

Tile insurance card trick, or ‘‘find the employer.’’ is the latest addition to illegal games of chance. A milk rounds man, being disollirgod from his job. met a resourceful clerk, who, after some discussion on ways and means, was introduced bv the roundsman to his late employer as an iiti specter of insurance. I “Have you got (his man's insurance card 7” .demanded lie ‘'inspect V i severely. “No? Tut. tut You are in ! a nice'mess! Do von know you can he , lined £30?” I The worried dairyman inquired what ' i\is he to do. | “Pooh. T got a. lot. of these eases I every year,” said the “inspector. , “Toil seem a nice, respectable sort ol a man. and I will try to get you mu l of it. but. I never accept less than '£lo.”

Event wit y the “inspector’’ ill copied £ll, and he and die roundsman were remanded to he dealt, with by Clarke Hall, who first heard the ease.