AMERICANS AND ROYALTY

Hawera & Normanby Star, Volume LXXI, Issue LXII, 11 May 1912, Page 9

AMERICANS AND ROYALTY

"Whin a free-born American citizen meets a king or army iv his fam'lyth' idee is he must .duck as? deep as he can without losin' his > .balance an' buttin' the rile personage in th' stomach. How far he'll go over depinds on his build. A man iv my shape wud be required to do no more thin sink his chin into his collar till it hurt.' But a little, thin fellow like ye'erself must bend over till his back is all but broke. An' ye mustn't ■ open ye'er mouth, mind ye, or yell be thrun out, onless th' king asks ye to. If he taps ye on th' shouldher an' says: 'Say. something, me man,' ye can'cut loose till ha shoves ye away.

"Th' exercise with American ladies is more severe. Whin an American lady is up against rilety 'tis entirely proper f'r her to swoon away. Manny have done so, but 'tis not often practised because if its inconvenience. Th' r-right an' consarvative thing f'r her to do is to pretind to suddenly lose her left leg an' sink as near to th' flure as possible without fallin'. She can't have army outside assistance. If she grabs holt iy a chair she's o\vt. It's up to her to determine what her strength will stand. If her lilety is gr-reater thin her agility she's in f'r a bump. Iy course it won't stop here. Th' King iv England himself is comin' to this counthry next, an' us Americans ar'r too devoted to th' Throne to niglict army exertion, no matther how dangerous, to show how we feel. A mere ginuflexion may be good enough f r a jook, but whin th' rale article arrives we'll show him what a young an' active people can do in these here gymnastics. I ixpict to r-read in th' pa-papers this spring:' 'Mrs Sol-der-Jint' wife iv th' well-known (wholesale) plumber, is practising a handspring which she will do whin presinted j to His Majesty. Mrs Lottson will rely on her cillybrated crouch an' spring. Mrs Van Rhinestone will do a headspin. But th' ladies iv th older arrystocracy will prob-bly stick to th' simple customs iv their ancestors an' go by His Majesty on their hands an' knees.'

"I wondher how it's all going to come out, Hinnissy. Since th' news got around iv how well we threat kings iri this counthry ivry potintate in th' wurruld is gettin' r-ready to come over here on a spree. Suppose th' King iv Beloochystan sud take it into his head to pay us a visit. If Hogan is tellin' me th' thruth, th' on'y way ye can approach this here monarch is be wrigalin' upon ye'er stomach. An' we'd have to do it, or may be he'd niver come back."

"They ought to be ashamed iv themselves," said Mr Hennessy. "Sure what diff'rence does it make " said Mr Dooley. "Doc Larkin says it's good f'r thim. Says he: 'If they do it often enough 'twill rayjooce th' weight, an' 'tis fine f'r th' abdomidal muscles. If as many kings comes here as their Press agents promise, these here nobly bor-rn ladies will get almost as much exercise as if they did th' family washin'."

"What wud ye do if.ye were a king nri' comes to. this counthry?" asked Mr Hennessv.

"Well," said Mr Dooley, "there's wan thing; I wudden't do. I wud dent r-read th' Declaration iv Independence. I'd be afraid I'd die laughin'."—(Mr Dooley, in the Manchester Guardian).