"AS OTHERS SEE US."

Hawera & Normanby Star, Volume LIII, Issue LIII, 9 April 1908, Page 5

"AS OTHERS SEE US."

(Spectator.) Do any of us desire "to see oursel* as others see us?" Should we like to know what is said of us behind out: backs even by our friends? Should we like even our friends to hear what we say of them? Most men and womea would instinctively answer "No" to all these questions/ and there are some who: are so shocked by the discrepancy, between what; -We say to each other's' faces and ■ what we ' say behind * each ; other's backs^that they. lay it down as a rule that.^we should speak of no friend -in this absence as we would not speak in his presence/ and thus practically prohibit conversation, altogether. In "The Comments of Bagehot,V an .able and charming book) the author takes, the contrary part, and maintains ;that it is natural and unobjectionable i.thalt we i should talk over our friends behind their backs, and should expect ; them .'to' dp. the same by us. "Lei U3 cheerfully ourselves," he ways, ■"as a topic of conversation to our friends, if tKey^ are "Jrind;. enough to think uninteresting,;''* but he solemnly warns us that, we should be ruthless towards/ those "mischief-makers who turn the 7 jnnocjeM;.iii^." the malicious by f^heaißt; of repeating it." . . . Has the mischief -maker really so much power?, Do we, perhaps, all of us live over a volcano which any unprincipled person may any-day explode, blasting friendship^ and— acquaintances, and blackening our whole* outlooki upon- life p, Moralists- have- sometimes -expressed a wish to see themselves^ as others' see them. -Was this a- mere verbal -flower of didactic- temerity, or did they truly expect to gain something worth having by means of a bitter experience? Is it we or is it others who know the truth about ourselves? .-'lf-- it. ia they who know it, ought.. we to be so very, angry if they tell, it to us,? , To answer. the first question is very; difnoult, - At jtiines^ as' -we reflect upon the terrible consequences which might accrue from mischievous repetition,- it is impossible to avoid an uneasy sensation of danger. ■ Of course a great many mischief-makers repeat falsely what they have heard. They are, as a rule, cruel persons. A crueL man has seldom a nice sense of morality even outside of his own vice, and a cruel woman has never, any at all ; but. the most i truthful repetition of a* single sentence may cause untold pain.- and] do infinite mischief. A harsh criticism from a man we do not like may turn a half -conscious aversion into -a conscious enmity >• and the retailed severity of, a friend give a wound which his presence will for ever set aching. Certainly, the malicious .repeater is a traitor to the Booiety in which, he moves; and' it is one of the most -healthy signs of 'the day that in all societies such treachery is rare. The manor woman who has seen or, suffered the results of such social criminality is rendered for ever nervous. On the other hand, it is not too much, to say that many persons, perhaps the majority, «go through life unaffected by any/ such tragedy. We do not live, over a volcano because railway accidents do happen,- theatres burn down, and murders t»r« duly reported in the daily, papers." When suen treachery occurs it does x pure harm. Faith is shaken and hate confirmed, and no light thrown upon anything except the character of' the traitor. The medicine of, truth is poisoned when it passes through such a channel. f But putting the> busybody out of .the question, it is perhaps not too. much , to say that he would be a daring man who, ' it' given the opportunity, would elect to know for certain all that any - - individual ' really • thought of ' him-^all, • we. mean, that that individual instino' tively refrains from telling hinv^-or. who, if he could have such an experience as entirely to read his neighbor's, > or even, his dearest friend's, heart, would come, out of the experience without humiliation. It would not be condemnation that we should in many, cases fear. ; Affection casts that out. In some it would, be commendation, in most it would be excuse. Those who really love us continually mistake out motives by talcing them for better than they are; or. perhaps it would be more, true to, say they see only one motive, when' there are many, and some, to say the least, were less, good. If we knew all,- we should shudder lest a clearer sight should come to them, and we should lose what we value f sa muoh the more that we do not deserve it. Still more poignant, perhaps, would be the ' pain of knowing they forgave what we hoped that they had ignored. We have not deceived them, but they have ex- - cused us. We thought they loved us because they did not know. We still keep their regard, but we wince to think on what terms we have it. All this knowledge would do. us no good am! would sap our courage^ for life. The invisible wall ' which stiir divides those who are closest to each other is for our soul's v health-. • . ' ; iOn the other hand> <we< do believe that r apart from individuals at all; it is good for most of us, and a thing, to be desired, that we should have some power of seeing ourselves as others see vs — of gauging the -consensus of opinion, of our friends, an opinion often altogether true, and perhaps never altogether. false. The man who is absolutely, careless about this consensus of opinion, or absolutely incapable of deluoing ,st,', is bacUy fitted -for life. In saying this 'we think we are ,def ending. y ib;jf6rm-'of- morbid sensitiveness, and •' 10 weak lovejof popular approval. The * vhole.of the English uppor-class education is based upon the doctrine that , t is good for a man from- his youth, to earn to "live among his. fellows, and ; oUow V'the good common rule", of his contemporaries;' and this' means not )Hly.to v know them, but to be aware - v hat they on the whole think of him, md to modify his own verdict by iheirs.* Boys find their own level when ihey go to school* we say, and we mean ihat ihey learn by rubbing shoulders vith" the many to give weight to the udgment of the many upon themselves. "I am showing how independent I am," thinks the little boy. "You ire showing how .disagreeable you can. >c," decides Jus little^ world, and their • lecision is not without it's, just effect ipon his mental estimate- of /nis v qynx iharacter. ,"I am an exceptionally imusing person,'.' he says to himself, t 'You are a little bore that likes to >lay the fool," comment the md if he is a wise child he will not tltoirether refuse io see himself, as they cc him. I

Of course there is a sense in which we all know ourselves better than any

1 one can know us. We have a more intimate acquaintance than any one else with both sides of our dual nature. We know the man we wish and the man we dread to be, and we know that both are our true selves. The man that for all practical purposes we are — when our will has welded our two natures for action — our friends can enlighten us about, and unless we purposjely deceive them, they are likely to give us some more useful information. Either cdnceit or self-distrust is almost sure to hamper the man who has no means of knowing the opinion of his world in regard to him. Goodness will not keep him from either of these evils. He will learn to believe too implicitly in the side of himself he rightly prefers, or he will learn to be too selfconscious about his inferior self. . While there is more good than evil in the world, more isruth than falsehood, more able men than fools, more jiist persons than unjust, public opinion—if it be but that small public in the centre of which we each imagine ourselves to be living— will be worth taking into consideration even upon subjects upon which we rightly think we are authorities— even upon the one subject upon which we all know that > we are authorities, the subject 6t ourselves.