Wit and Humour

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XXII, Issue 193, 30 July 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

MARKED OUT. Mistress (sharply): I have been looking round the rooms, Jane, and I notice that you have dusted the articles on the shelves, but not the shelves.” New Maid: That’s orl right, mum. I can see where you put ’em by doin’ that. WOMAN’S WAY. “I saw the cutest little hat this afternoon.” “Did you buy it?” “Not yet. I’ve got to pick out a more expensive one for my husband to refuse to buy, so I can compromise with this one.” THE PERFECT HUSBAND. He was about to be married, and was listening to advice from his various friends. A wise old fogey said to him: —“Now, my boy, jf you want to be a success, be clean about the house; be kind and thoughtful; don’t smoke in the drawing-room; be kind to dumb animals; but, whatever you do, don’t say, ‘What a smart woman that is living next door!” WORKING DODGES. Smith: That new clerk of yours seems a hard worker. Jones; Yes, that his specialty, you know. Smith: What Working? Jones: No-no-no. Seeming to.

ONE STORY. Tram Inspector: "Are you aware that none of the passengers upstairs has a ticket? Conductor (new to the job): Bless my soul. That’s through living in a bungalow, THE FRIENDLY CLOCK. The big grandfather clock that stood in the hall of little Betty’s home was a never-ending source' of wonderment to her, and she used to spend a long time gazing at it. One day her aunt entered the hall and saw the child staring at the clockface. “Is the clock going, Betty dear ” she asked. The child shook her head. “No, auntie,” she replied; “it’s just standing still and wagging its tail.” WHAT FOR? Fanner (to lad): Hold my horse awhile, lad. Lad: Will it bite? Farmer: No. Lad: Wil it run away? Farmer: No. Lad: Then what do ye want me to' hold it for? DISTURBING FOR THE OTHERS. Try as he would, Wilson could not cure himself of the habit of snoring. Finally he decided to consult his doctor. The doctor looked him up and down. “Does your snoring disturb your wife?” he asked. Wilson looked surprised. “Disturb the wife?” he echoed. “Why, jt disturbs the whole congregation.” MARKING TIME. Recruit: “Shall I mark time with my feet, sergeanjt?” Sergeant: “Did you ever hear of marking time with your hands?” Recruit: “I understand clocks do, sergeant.” TIT-BITS. A miser is known by the money he keeps. It doesn’t fatten a hungry man to make him laugh. The mosquito bites alike both the just and the unjust. A bargain is a bargain—even if the other woman gets it. Most people would fall short if measured by the golden rule. Only a foolish man will refuse to laugh at his wife’s jokes. Even bald-headed barbers insist on telling hair-raising stones. Friends are almost as scarce as umbrellas when they are needed. Unless a servant knows his place he need not expect to keep it. A two-faced person is popular with both sjdes—until he is found out. It is said that truth lies at the bottom of he well. Perhaps that is why the lawyer pumps the witness. NO “COP!” Minnie: I hear Joan has a position as detective in one of the large stores. Winnie: Well, she’s welcome to it! Imagine being known in this neighbourhood as a ‘plain clothes’ woman. THE OBVIOUS CAUSE.

“What’s happened, George?” she asked her husband, who had got out of the car to investigate. “Puncture,” he said briefly, *‘You ought to have been on the look-out for this,” was the helpful remark. “You remember the guide warned you there was a fork in the road.”

SPARKLETS. Many a woman past her prime primes herself upon her past. Women are more forgiving than men, but men equalise things by being much more forgetful. When it comes to stepping into a fortune no man objects to putting his foot in it. • “Books,” says a hint, “should be safeguarded from dry rot.” So should readers. Marry in haste and repeat at pleasure. A Scotsman who is the father of twins has liad a photograph taken of only one of them. USED TO IT. The unsuccessful tragedian was applying for a job at the film studio. “I have come, sir,” he said to the director, “because I desire a position in your company.” “Have you had any experience of acting without an audience?” asked the director. A flicker of sadness appeared for a moment in the expressive eyes of the actor. “Acting without audiences,’’ he replied, “is what brought me here!”

TRANSLATED. A Chinaman, passing the Customs, was asked his name. “Sneeze,” he replied. The Customs man stared at him, and said in a puzzled voice: “Is that your native name?” “No,” replied the Oriental, “I had it translated into English.” “Then what is your native name?” demanded the Customs man. “Ah Choo!” INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE. Manager (to neglected diner): “Can you identify the waiter who started serving you, sir?” Diner (indicating plate): “Well, we’ve got his finger prints!” SUSPICIOUS. The talkative old gentleman was delivering quite a lecture on the matter of speedy travel to the young man with whom he shared a compartment. “Yes, we travel fast these days,” he said. “But have you ever thought of the flight of time—of the fleeting hours of youth, the golden days that swiftly pass away? Have you ever counted the minutes—” “Look here,” said the young man suspiciously, “I don’t quite get the hang of this. Are you trying to sell me a watch?” “HOW ARE YOU?” Two business men, having to spend a few hours in a small town, decided to dine at the village hotel. One of them turned to the pretty waitress, and asked: “How’s the chicken?” “Oh, I’m all right,” she blushed. “How are you?”. SOME MISTAKE. The man who had received a notice from the tax collector was both indignant and mystified. He was called upon to pay £5O forthwith. He hadn’t £5. He wrote back as follows :— “Dear Sir —On my income tax return I clearly stated my profession, which you appear to have misunderstood. You demand £5O forthwith. I said I was a contractor —not a conjurer!”

TRUTH THAT HURTS. “In my opinion a man who points out our faults to us is our best friend!” “Y’es—but not for long!” OH! Hubby: “You never have any affection for me; you’d never think of calling me ‘dear’ as other men’s wives do.” Wifie; “Do other men’s wives call you ‘dear’?” SPEED UP. If you cannot win, make the one ahead break the record. THE DIFFERENCE. What’s the difference between a wedding and a funeral? Well, at a wedding you can smell your own flowers. MODEST. Mistress: “Mary, were you entertaining a man in the kitchen last night?” Maid: “That’s for him to say, mum. 1 did my best.” MORE APPROPRIATE. The young man had been telling tko company of his adventures in Canada, bow he had felled huge trees singlehanded. “I suppose you kept a very interesting diary?” said a friend. “Oh—er—well,” said the hero, “being a lumberman, I, of course, kept a ‘log’ bookl”-

nINB, TEN, OUT! Heavyweight Boxer; Jhe trouble is. doctor, I can’t sleep a wink Doctor: You must practice auto-sug-gestion. Why not lie on your back, relax, and count slowly up to ten?

AT LAST. The hour of midnight was just striking as the householder crept silently down the stairs. With a quick movement he snapped on the electric light, and gasped as his eye fell on a burglar tampering with his safe. “Jove, a real burglar!” he smiled. “Wait a minute, will you?” “White you call a copper, eh?” he said. “Not me!” “No,” said the householder. “Only wait while I call my wife. She’s heard you every night for 15 years, and it’ll be a real pleasure for her to see you at last.”

CLASHING ENAGEMENTS. First Golfer: “Shall we play another round next Monday?” Second Golfer: “Well, I was to be married on Monday—but I’m sure we can arrange it.” TESTING FATHER. They were discussing children. “You know,” said the serious father, “my young son asks me some very interesting questions at times.” “But do you object to that?” asked his companion. The serious one shook his head wearil.y. “I don’t know,” he replied. “I can’t be sure whether he’s trying to find out how much I do know, or how much I don’t know.” LIARS. A preacher gave out that he would give a discourse on the subject of “Liars” the next meeting day, and in preparation to receive it adequately he would ask all the men present to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark. On the next day he remarked that he was going to speak about liars, and would ask all who had read that chapter to hold up their hands. Nearly all did so. He then remarked that as there were only sixteen chapters there they were in a splendid condition to hear his sermon.

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU— Two men met at the races. One was seedy-looking. He passed to his more prosperous acquaintance a tip which duly came home. The other was delighted. 4 ‘Thanks awfully,” he said. “One good turn deserves another. I hope to have some rather special information to-morrow, and if you happen to be here I’ll pass it on to you as a quid pro quo.” “Bob,” replied the seedy one feelingly, “if it’g all the same to you, I’d sooner have a quid pro tern.” AWKWARD. Worried Father; “Every time you are a bad boy I get another grey hair.” Son: “Well, you must have been a bad ’un. Look at grandpa.” MERCY! A man took his wife with him to Paris. As neither had been to the French capital before, they promised themselves a good time. They began by treating themselves to an excellent dinner. Towards the end of the meal the man was telling his wife that her French pronunciation was all wrong, and that she shouldn’t say “merci” as if it was our English word “mercy.” “Now, I’ll give that waiter ten francs, ’ 1 he told her, ‘ ‘ and you listen carefully.” He handed the man a ten-franc note, and the rep l ;,- was: “Thanks very much, sir.’ ’

TWO OF A KIND. Father and daughter were touring the shops in search of Christmas presents. Presently he stopped before a wellladen stall containing dolls. “Now, then, Betty,” he said to his daughter, “what sort of doll would you like?” The shop assistant handed one of the toys to the child. “How about that one?” he volunteered. “No thank you,” said the modern child,) “I think I’ll have twins.”

HIS OBJECTION. Suitor: “Sir, when I’m away from Evelyn I plumb the uttermost depths of despair.” Mr Newrich: “Well I don’t daughter to marry a plumber.” FALSE ECONOMY. Husband; “I see by the paper that out of every hundred persons fined for travelling without a ticket, seventyfive are women.” Wife: “There! That goes to show that women are more economical than men.’’