Wit and Humour

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XXII, Issue 175, 9 July 1932, Page 7 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

THE AFFIRMATIVE NEGATIVE. Smith was watching the joiner he had employed to erect a hen-house. ‘‘By the way,” he said, picking up a loose plank, “what are these holes in this wood?” “Those are knot holes,” the joiner explained. Brown threw the piece of wood to the ground. “Look here,” he exclaimed, “don’t* you think I know a hole when I see jt J” ' COMMA OMITTED. The pretty young teacher was giving a lesson on natural history, when suddenly she noticed that one of the boys was not attending. "Freddie.” she cried. “What is the use of the reindeer?’* “Please, teacher, to make the Sowers in the garden grow,” said the happy fellow with a blush. REPROACH. Male Straphanger; “Madame, you are standing on my foot.” Female Ditto; “1 beg your pardon. I thought it belonged to the man sitting down." INCRIMINATION. “Which one of you children ate the grapes I had in the cupboard?” asked Auntie. There was no reply. “Now there’s no use denying it,” said Auntie. “I saw the seeds and skins on the floor.” At length the youngest spoke up. “It wasn’t me, auntie,” he said, “ ’cause I ate skins, seeds, and aD.” THE CURATIVE CASE. A group of “old boys” stood talking about their schooldays. “I’ve no particular affection for the school," said Smith. “I was birched there onoe for speaking the truth." “Well,” said Brown, “it cured you, didn’t it?” CONSOLATION. “In time of trial, what brings the greatest comfort?” shouted the preacher. “An acquittal,” answered a voice from the congregation. THE TRYST. He: “I have waited an hour for you.” “She: “But, dear, J said I might be five minutes late.” ENOUGH SAID. Would-be Employer: “Have you any references?” Would-be Employee: “Sure, here’s the letter: *To whom it may concern, John Jones worked for us one week, and we’re satisfied.’ ” NOT LIKELY. A psychologist came upon a hardworking Irishman toiling bareheaded in the street. Psychologist: “Don’t you know that to work in the hot sun without a hat on is bad for the brains?” Irishman: “D’ye think that O’id be on this job if I had any brains?’* EXCEPTIONS. Heck: “Does your wife always get the last word?” Peek: “Not always; she talks with other women.” DIFFERENTLY PUT. Mother: “Did you remember to say ‘Thank you very much for having me; I’ve enjoyed myself very much?’ ” Tommy: “Yes, only 1 cut it short, and said, ‘Thanks, I’ve been had very nicely I’ ”

.WELL PREPARED. On his way home from the city Hammond called at the big restaurant. “Waiter,” he said, “I want you to take this half-crown.” “Yes air," murmured the waiter solemnly. “1 suppose you want me to reserve a table for you?’’ Hammond shook his head. “No,” he whispered; “1 shall be coming back here to-night with two ladies, and I want you to tell me when I arrive that all the tables are engaged.” something TOWARDS IT. Two city men happened to meet in a restaurant and commenced to discuss a nutual acquaintance. “How js Flecem getting on?” asked ons. “He started company-promoting, didn’t he?’’ “Yes,” was the reply. “And, having made a success, he’s gone for a rest, I hear,” said the first. "I’m not sure about the ‘rest,’ ” said the other. “But, as he’s in a prison suit, he’s certainly got a complete ‘change’ 1” ENCOURAGEMENT. “I shall never do anything liner than that,” said the artist as he displayed bis last painting. “Nonsense!” exclaimed his friend: “you mustn't lose heart, old man.”

| THE TRUTH WILL OUT. Brown was a novice at golf. When his turn came to drive his ball off the first tee at the village links he approached the small white object falteringly. Presently he swung up his club and took a mighty hit. Immediately something went flying into the air. Brown looked up hopefully. But, alas, it wasn’t his ball that went soaring along the fairway; it was only a large piece of turf. “Extraordinary I” he exclaimed miserably. His young caddie nodded in agreement. “Yes, sir,” he said, “it does seem a bit out of the common.” FORMALITY. Maid: “I will see if mistress is at home. (Coming back) —I am sorry, mistress is not at home.” Lady Visitor: “What a shame! 1 have unfortunately forgotten my visiting cards.’’ Maid: “That does not matter. I told mistress who you were.” WARM RECEPTION. Hostess (introducing new arrival): “This is Captain Banks, who has just returned from a visit to the Arctic regions.” Pretty Guest: “Oh, do come nearer the fire. You must be cold.” THE QUIET EFFICIENCY. “Didn’t the burglars waken you?” “No, they took things very quietly ” NOTHING BETTER. Two Scotsmen were celebrating the festive season by having a drink together. Said one seriously: “What’s your ambition, Jock?” Is there any one thing in the world you’d like better than another?” “No,” said Jock hopefully. “Another would suit me fine.” MAKING SURE. Big Sister: “Betty, whatever are you crying for? 1 could hear you right down the street.” Betty; “1 don’t love you any more.” Big Sister: “Why?” Betty: “’Cause you said you could hear me crying when you came down the street. I went to the gate to listen, and 1 couMn’t hear nuffing.” THE REFRAIN. The conductor of the amateur orchestra was white with rage. “Why,” he bellowed at the meek little cornet player, "(io you stop playing every time we get to the chorus?”

“Well," said the offender, “it rays on my musjc, 'Refrain,* and I did so." SIMPLER. The squire was interviewing an applicant for a position on his land. “Have you any education, John?” he asked. “Why, yes, sir,” said the labourer. “That’s good,’’ said the squire, "‘and I suppose you can write your name?'’ The applicant raised a puzzled face. “What’s that, sir?” he asked. “I said I suppose you can write your name," repeated the squire. The labourer shook his head. “No, sir,’’ he replied. “I always dictates it.” FISH DIET. A visitor was stroking ound the small fishing village with his host "What do all these people eat?” he asked. “Fish, mostly,” the host responded “But,” said the visitor, “1 thought fish was a brain food? These are really the most unintelligent-looking people I ever saw I” “Well,” replied the host, “just think of what they would look like if tlty didn’t eat fish!" THE VILLAGE NOVELTY. A commercial traveller, having missed his oonecting train, found himself with two hours to spend in a small village. He approached a porter. ' “Got a picture house here?” he asked. “No.” “A billiard hall or library?” “No.” “Well, how do you amuse yourselves?”

“We go down to the store of an evening. They’ve just got a new bacon slicer.” TOUGH. A lady was entertaining her friend's small son. “Are you quite sure you can cut your meat, Tommy?” she asked. “Yes, thank you,” replied Tommy, without looking up. “We often have it as tough as this at home.” REALISM. “Yes,” said the first artist, “rats got into Dauber’s studio while he was oa holiday, and ruined one of his best pictures.” “I am sorry to hear that,” said be other. “I suppose Dauber is taking it rather badly?” “On the contrary, no,” replied the first artist. “In fact, he feels rather pleased about it. The picture the rats destroyed was a ‘Study of Cheese.’ "