Joke Competition

Hawke's Bay Tribune, Volume XVII, Issue 206, 15 August 1927, Page 8

Joke Competition

An Englishman and a Scotsman were having drinks together. The former chose whisky and the Scot gin. After a few minutes the Englishman inquired anxiously. "Was your gin all right, Sandy?” “Aye,” was the reply, “why do ye ask?” "Well, you see,” explained the other, “1 thought you might have been given petrol by mistake. You've said ‘Hoots” several times within the last few minutes.”

—Prize of 1/- to Tom Coe, age 11 years. 303W. Frederick street. Hast ings.

Old Lady (to nervous curate who is frequently' besieged by the fair members of the tennis court): “Never mind, there is safety in numbers.” Curate: “I generally find it m Exodus.”

—Red Certificate to Olive Borrie age 13 years. 417 Brunswick street Hastings.

Two ladies sitting in a railway carriage fell into a dispute concerning the window, and called upon the guard to act as referee. “If the window, is. open,” declared one, ‘I shall catch cold and die.” "If the window is shut.” said the other, “I shall suffocate.”

A man occupying a corner here interposed. “First open the window, guard. That will kill one. Next shut it: that will kill the other. Then we can all go to sleep.” —Red Certificate to Mollie Hull, age 11 years, Box 76, Hastings. Arthur: “Aren’t you ashamed to wear such old hoots as those, and your father is a bootmaker?” Fred: “Well, your father is a dentist, and your baby has only one tooth!”

—Orange Certificate to Joe Hodgson, age 11 vears, St. George’s road, Hastings.

Seaside Landlady: “I can let you have a room, sir. but we have already three prams and a scooter in the hall. I’m afraid you can't bring in your car.”

—Orange Certificate to Margaret Cheer, age 13 years, Rural Delivery, Waipawa.

The head of the household was carving the turkey. Being wishful of pleasing everybody, each guest was asked if there was any particular part they favoured. In eight instances the reply came back: “11l take a leg. if you please.” Father contemplated the bird before him and exploded. “Hang it all,” he said, “do von think I’m carving a centipede ?” —Orange Certificate to Olga Hemmingson. age 12 years, 816 Caroline road, Hastings.

Tommy: “Does an engine have to wash its ears, Auntie?” Auntie: “Of course not; engines have not any ears.” Tommy: "But they must have; you have heard of engin-eers, Auntie.”

—Orange Certificate to Suzanne Riddiford, age 11 years, Havelock North.

Wild and dishevelled, watery of eye, and trembling limb, he burst into the dentist’s consulting room and addressed the molar merchant in gasping tones: “Do you give gas here?” “Yes.” replied the dentist. “Does it put a man to sleep?”

“Of course.” “Nothing would wake him?” “Nothing, but ” “Wait a bit: you could break his jaw or biack his eye without him feeling it?” “My dear sir, of course I ” “It lasts about half a minute, doesn’t it?” “Yes.” With a war whoop of joy and relief the excited man thipw off his coat and waistcoat. “Now,” he yelled, as he tugged at his shirt, “get yer gasengine ready. I want you to pull a porous-plaster off my back.” —Orange Certificate to Elva Gigg. age 11 years. 404 E. Southampton street, Hastings. Nervously, and with many misgivings. an old lady hailed a taxi. “Now driver.” she cautioned, “you must be very careful. Don’t go cn unless the policeman tells you, and don't drive fast in case the cab skids.” “All right, lady,” cheerfully replied the driver, “and is there any particular 'orspital you'd prefer?" —Orange Certificate to Mary Harrison, age 13 years, 708 Fitzroy Avenue. Hastings. Willie (who has come home with a very bad school report): “Can'vou write votir name with your eyes shut, Daddy?” Daddy: “Why. of course I can, my bov.” Willie: “Wil! you try and sign my school report like that?” Orange Certificate to Erin Heenan, age 11 years, Te Aute road, Havelock North.

“I believe.” cried a candidate, “that my country calls me.” “If you lire alluding to that noise vou heard jest now.” said nn old farmer, “you are somewhat mistook. It was nothing but the old jackass a-braying in the backyard —Red Certificate to Dorothy Steven, age 10 years, Otane.