MY LAWSUIT.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXVII, Issue 9267, 29 April 1892, Page 4

MY LAWSUIT.

(By a Defendant in tbe London Standard.) It falls to tho lot of most men tn have n lawsuit) nt least onco in their lives, aad provided your owu personal character decs nut come tint too llngrautlv, it i . quite v mark ol rif-pici.il.iliiy mid Handing. I li.iv... just hud mine, my first; nnd I should like to pub down some of my im-pie-si"i;i vi me.:, us lho war cones i mi'li-ui- 'suy they do, foi after jou have had two or three, I understand you do not Jiavi- any impression., at all, lint neiely hsk .'-i.i i-, lv (i-. Tile anil In.ught nittiin-t me was .it .'..niagcs. due e'ening, hearing a strange voice iv the kueinout of my house, l weut downstairs just in time to see a policeman bolting up ihe itiea step, and slices of mutton I*ll from

bis coat in all directions. In the excitement of the moment I unfortunately exclaimed, " Hullo, there, you come back I " He hesitated ; Dually he came baok j but still more unfortunately, in doing so be fell down.the steps, rolling to the bottom, and hurting himself considerably, His heel slipped on one of the siloes of mutton. I "rowed" both him and the cook, and threatened to report him, and then I thought no more about tbe matter. But he did. Three months after I had a claim sent in by bis lawyers for damages for hie accident, "caused by the unlawfully defective state of your area steps"— t'.e., loss of pay, £20 i doctor, £50; expenses at Brighton for three months, £100$ permanent shock, £200; and damage to troußCrs, Ib Slid. I almost burst with laughing at it, but On consulting my lawyer, Jenkins, I found I had nothing to laugh at. I was, he told me, legally liable for keeping my area steps iv a safe condition ; I had expressly invited the man to descend them, and though he had dropped the slices of the muttou on them himself, yet I was entirely responsible for not removing them before he could slip on them. "I om sorry ta say there is abuudant grouud foraction, ' concluded Jeukins with ill-concealed delight. "But still we may do something with the jury. You will defeud, of course?' 1 And like a fool, I did. This was the action, nnd now for my principal impressions. The first thing that struck me was, as I I have hinted, the barely dissembled pleasure of my lawyer, which spread itself without any concealment at all into his outer office, made his articled olerk 1 hum a cheerful air, put a smile on tho face of the copying drudge, and even stirred tbo office boy, Theu shortly after there came two impressions up.iv me at once. One was that U is the greatest impertinence in a client even to suggest what counsel he would like to appear for him in court, and tho second was that all the best known and most eminent counsel are played out. Theae two impressions I received when I ventured to inquire of Jenkins whom we should have to defend us. At the question be raised his eye brows, and said there was only one mon who was listened to by juries nowadays, and tbat was bis son in-law. The next impression I receivod concerns the preparation of my defence. I wbb, as a great favor, requested to meet Jenkins In bis son in-law s chambers to " consult" as to the pleadings. I knew before the dictionary meaning of tho word "consuit;" tho legal meaning, as far as client is concerned, I was now introduced to for the first time. The son-in-law, a voluble yonue man, reoeived me affably, aud asked me to Bit down on the further bide of the room. After preliminaries, Jenkins asked me to state my idea of tbe defence to be adopted. I said that the only defence I wished to make was a statement and proof of the actual facts of tbe case, aud that no doubt the common sense of the judge and jury would do tho rest. But I at once saw from their faces (hat the question had only been put to me out of politeness, Tbey smiled, tossed their beads at one anolher meaningly, drew their chairs together to talk, and look no more notice of me than if I bad beeu the washstand. Said Jenkins to his daughter's elected, "Of course that will r.ot do," and, replied the son-in law, " Impossible, of courss." Then they discussed variouß Hues of defence, Should they prove Hint tho man was drunk at the time ? There was a barrel of beer in the kitchen, yon know, half empty. Should they produce in Court the stone step, and show that there was no grease upon it ? Should they demand tho production of (he man'B boots, aud show that the hobnails wero quite enough to cause the alip without tho mutton 7 Did not tbo drop ping his slices of meat amount to a contributory negligence? Was it not re'illy tbe mutton I was calling ou to " Come back," and not the man, who was therefore at the time of the accident a trespasser, and so outlawed? All these points were discussed with great gusto, aud mnch citing of coses. At last thoy settled it that my plea should be that I j was out of town at the time, and did not live at the house specified ; that, in the alternative, there were no area steps to the houte at all ; that, as another alternative, the policeman was under delirium tremens ; and, as a Dual alternative, that the mutton was American mutton, and consequently too gritty to slip under anybody. I did once venture to make an observatiou. They received it as you wonld receivo the remark of a lunatic whom you wished to keep qniet. What I was there for Ido not know. And what aggravated me more than anythlug was that while lawyer aud counsel had comfortable, roomy, well-stuffed arm chairs to sit in, they had put me on a h.ird horsehair squab. Thus I found that " consulting with counsel means looking like a foo!, and being made to tingle at the extremities. The next impression I received when the ciro came ou was of the extraordinary amount of ly well, Bay iuaccuracy, which tho law, or, at all events, the law case, requires. 1 was prepared for a certain amount, for wo kuow that society could not get on without it ; but the way in which people leap over the fence of truth direotly they ore enclosed in a witness box is something quite refreshing. It is unnecessary for me to particularise the leaps ; all I will give is a few notes ot the peculiar behavior of the different people I knew to be " stretching it " iv that caso, It appears that a policeman at this cr'an grasps the front rail of the box with both anas, and a look of pain passes over his face as though ho were haviog the truth vvrnng out of him against his will. Then the lady— for we had the cook ia tho box as a hoßlile witness, she having already married tho palicemau on his expectations—a lady, during tbo truthful part of her cvideuce, is hesitating and confused, stammers, and corrects herself, and wipes her hands with her handkerchief; but as soon as she sees the feuce coming she pulls herself together, sets ber month firmly and decidedly, looks straight into tbe eyes of the judge, takes the leap, aod alights on tho other side without tnroiag h hair. We had two medical witnesses on each side, and a medical man, I notice, looks very grave and official while he is giving truthful evidence, hut when he is going to draw tbe long bow ho begins to smile and look human, and the bigger tie "thumper" the wider the smile. There was just tbe same width ot smile on the doctor who swore that the policeman had had Lis eerebclluin permanently shattered, as on tho one who passed his oath that the man had never beeu injured at all. Ab for tnyeelf, I confess it wilh shame, I tried to remember my early copybooks, but the ioflueuce of the place was 100 much lor me. No sooner had I kissed the Book thau I felt ready to say auything— no matter what. The Mea Unit all that romanciog was going ou around me, without me having a slu-.te, was too much. I felt ready to supply alibis in wholesale quantities, und even lo deny my own father. How I looked when i took my fences I do not know, but I felt as ligl.thenrted ob a mini who has just seen another man married. My final impression is connected with tho bill I have had to pay. The policeman got £5 damages from tho jury, principally, I believe, on the strength of his having come into conrt with a block eye, although the matter we were concerned with had occurred three months before, and the injuries were on the reverse sido ol him. Too eye had been given to him by his wife. The verdict carried costs, and mado a big hole in £200. Jeukins said 1 had come off extremely well, and the son-in law congratulated me, I was bo utterly aghast that I thanked them both, aud felt ready almost to embrace the policeman. At all events, the next policeman who takes my mill ton and tumbles down my urea shall be installed in my own best btd and have the cook to wait upon him,

' i; gratifying to learn that tho good Sister's efforts have proved moßt successful, and that she has succeeded in discovering many herbs possessing great curative properties. She has received permission from Archbishop Redwood to dispose of the right of putting up her medicines for sale. Those who bave used tho medicines speak very highly of their beneficial effects. .