AMERICAN HOMOR.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXV, Issue 8730, 26 July 1890, Page 5

AMERICAN HOMOR.

Mother—" I'm afraid your husbandljs going to be ill. How did he look this morning at breakfast?" Young wife — " I didn't see him. He was reading the paper." Carrie — "I know George loves ma and wants me to be his wife." Hattie (her bosom friend)-'" And how do you know f " Carrie — " Because he has taken such a strong dislike to mamma." Millionairess — " I bear that you have accepted Jack Pott. Why, I refused him three times ! " Jack's fianede — " Oh, yes, Jack told me that whenever he was short of funds he proposed to yon." " But," said she, to her husband, who was criticising her toilet, " what does a man know about a woman's garments 1" The husband, in a hollow voice : " The price, madam !" Mr» Jinks— "My desr, I wish you would take me to see Ibsen's new play." Mr Jinka (who hates to be borjd) — " My love, if you'll let the play t?o, I'll — I'll accompany you to church next Sunday." Old Mr Wahtrete— " And have you [ sufficient meann, young man, to support my daughter in comfort P" Jack Hastings — " Why, yes ; provided I'm not ruined by a lone engagement !" Young wife — " Oh, John, the rats have eaten all my angel-cake !" Husband — What! All of it?" Young wife— "Every pieoe. I feel like crying." Husband — " Oh, pshaw ! iDon'^t cry over a few r»ts." . t Mabel — " Did you ; hear that Bffssie Willis was married yesterday to Tom GuzElerP" Mand— "Really? I thought she would be the last person to marry him." ifabel — " Well, she wag, wasn't she?" . . . Alice—" Pa says you have no home, and that it would ba foolish for me to give up a good ono to marry yon." Algernon—" But, my dear Alice, I don't ask you to eive up your home, I merely ask to share it with you." Visitor (at a Virginian hospital during the war) — " Janitor, what do you do with the arms and legs that are amputated here P" " Well, marsa, to tell de troof, we moat iuginer'ly saves 'urn a day or two, and den vie burieg 'urn wid de bodies." Butler (at a fanoy-dress ball — who bas been told to announce people by the I characters they represent —to new arrivals) — " What character?" Ladies — "Oh, no particular character." Butler (at top of hia voice) — " Two ladies of no oharaoter in particular." Mrs Byrnes (at a variety show)— 11 Whwhal'H that one do, John ?" Mr Byrnes — " He's a Jappyaese jugular, me dear, an' in a minute he'll cut aff his head an 1 pit it on agin." Mrs Byrnes—" He will ? Well, ay Oi had a head loike that aff me, troth Oi'd lave it aff !" Jimmy — "Where are you going today. Jack ? Let's go sfeatin'." Jack — "I'm goin' to school, ain't you ?" Jimmy — "Yes; but the teacher will dismiss us, all the same. Mickey Hooley has g<U two mice in his pocket, and he's goin' to let 'em out on the floor." Railroad president — " lam delighted to hear that you took a trip on our Great Weatern Limited-Palace- Car-Hotel- Bar-ber-Shop-LitrftTy-Bath-Room-Pnllman 'Xpress. Nothing laokinp, was there?" Old friend (who had an upper berlh) — " Yob j elevatorß." "I wish to say to tie congregation," said the minister, "that the pulpit is not responsible for the error of the printer ..n the tickets for the concert iv the 1 Sundey-'rhool room. The concert is for the benefit of the arch fund, not the arch fiend. We will now sing hymn six, 'To i err ishuman, to forgive divine. \" Indulgent f.ither — "My son, your ; education has coßt me tw«nty thoneaud t dollars. I have spent all I have, and i you must now go right to work and earn i a living at jomething you understaud." • Finished son (Harvard '89)— " Well, 1 father, which would you rather have me ) be, a base- ball pitcher or a billiardi marker P" s Fifteen years ago Henry Hill, of . Council Bluffs, swore that he would not 1 shave until Susan B. Anthony was f elected president. The other day his 1 whiskers, which were three feet long, i became entangled in some machinery aud 1 were mostly, pulled out by the roots, and i. he is probably pretty well cured of his ;• foolishness, i "No, Hiram," said the yonng girl, * sadly, " I can-not be your wife. We y are tco compatible." " Compatible !" n he exclaimed ; " isn't that the very r- reason why " " Not in your oaße. n I should probably insist from motive: i- of economy on dispensing with a servant n and in doing my own housework, and al you would probably let mo do it, Hiram.' is "Has that yellow-haired dude beer around here to-night?" "Not yet to Why, papa, what in, the world is th< id matter ? Did you miss your footing oi is the train ?or -" " No, I didn't misi to my footing on tbe train. I undertnol iff to gently remind that dude of yonrs tha le he wasn't wanted here, and this is tbi le result. When he comes to-night, tel y, him he can have yon, and he can' at" have you any too quick to suit me. i to man who can use his hands iike tha ok fellow is protection eneugb for a doze be women. If ho asks fcr me, tell him lv co gone to Africa or Camdcu and won't h ey back until the marriage has blown over. i," \ Vxstx' Fiub.— A Blater who was et