ODDS AND ENDS.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXIII, Issue 7956, 21 January 1888, Page 2 (Supplement)

ODDS AND ENDS.

It is a wise father who knows his own boy. A good many boys go wrong because thoir fathers have never taken the time or trouble to become acquainted with tliem. When a young lady offers to hem a , cambric handkerchief for a rich young bachelor acquaintance, you can sot it j down that she means to sew in order i that she may reap. Once a very shallow, but very, amtiti- , mis joung man applied to enter tho ( Baptist College, and after a long inter- , view with Mr Spnrgeon, ho was ro- , jected, whereupon he turned, and said, " Sir woo is me if I preach not tho j Gospel !" To this Mr Spurgeon re- i plied, " Sir, woe is tho people if you . do!" Lunatics are not aways devoid of wit ( and satire. A stranger walking out | about the Midway Station, at Milledge- ( ville, the other day, met a squad of them ] " "Where does this railway go to 1" To which the lnnatio replied. "It doesn't go j anywhere. "Wo keep it hero to run tho , cars on." Tho wife of a Salvationist recently , complained to a magistrate anent her , husband's conduct. " You say ho is : always thrashing you. Why does ho do so ?" asked tho magistrate. " Aoos I ] won't bo santified ; and ho says ho'a , determined to make mo. He alao says , he will lead me to a land of milk and honey," " Moro wacks than honey, at present, I presume," said tbo magistrate. " You're right, sir," replied tho wife. " Patrick," aaid tho priest, " the "Widow Moloney tells me you have stolen one of her finest pigs. Is that ao?" "Yes, yer honor." "What havo you done with it?" "Killed it and ate it, yer honor." " Oh, Patrick when you aro brought faco to face with tho widow aud the pig on the Judgment Day, what ascount will you be able to give of yourself when tho widow accuses you of the theft ?" " Did you say tbe pig would be thore, yer riviranco I" "To be suro I did." " Well, thin, yer rivirance, I'll say, ' Mrs Moloney, tlior-j's your pig.' " On tha placards which advertised a walk againat time tho pedestrian was d-picted striding along in advance of Father Time, who was represented as an oU man, ormod with a scythe. During the afternoon of the " walk " a rough member of tbe " fancy " demanded of the gatekeeper tho return of his dollar. " What'a the matter ?" said the official. " You have boen here for four hours to my knowledge, and you have seen him walk." " That's true," replied tbe rough "but I came to see that old covo with tho scythe, and ho hasn't turned up ; and I mean to have my money baok ; so out with it, and no bloomin' 'umbug." Some young men were asking the Eev Dr. Phillips Urooks about " white lies " the other day. " Suppose," asked one " you wero invited to inspect a certain picture which tho artist had worked hard upon and valued highly, and he wauled to know your honeßt opinion of its merits, aud you could sco nothing whatever to praise in it, what should you do i" " Well," said Dr Brooks, at onco, " I will tell you. I should say just what I say to mothers who bring their babies to mo to be admired. I always say, whether they are pretty or ugly, ' Oh,;! that is a baby ?' leaving the mother perfectly convinced that it is the only baby in tho world, and myself uttely uncommitted. I should say tlie same thing when I saw tho picture." " What is an epistle '?" asked a Sunday school teackor of her class. "Tho wife of an apoBtlo," replied the young hopeful. Fred had heard U3 talking about moths in the clotldpg, and when, a fow hours lator, we questioned him about a large rent in his clothes, he looked at it gravely a minute, then said, " Mamma, I think the moth must havo eaton it." Jaok (after cloßely scrutinising bis crjing baby brother): "Do babies s -o to Heaven, mamma (" Mamma : ''Yes, dear, when they die. What makes you askl" Jack: "Oh, nothin". I feel sorry for the angels and fings, don't you, mamma?" Mabel wants a little Bi'_ter, and has been told that she could got one for twenty-five shillings. The' other day she went out shopping with her mamma, and sho heard tho shopman say that the price of some goods was twenty-four shillings. " Why, mamma," she said in a whisper, "it would only cost v shilling more to buy a b*by !" " Bob," said Httlo Jofyuiiy, ''bore's a pi-CO in tho papor about parasites. Wliat are they?" " Parasites, Johr.ny, ara people who live iv Paris. I think you ought to know that, aud you in the thiid Htandurd.'' A bright story in grammar is told of a Hml.) school frirl. "Quarrel," she p:irs"d, " is plural." " Why C " Because it 'akes two to maki" one. '