JOTTINGS AT RANDOM.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume XXII, Issue 7141, 20 April 1885, Page 4

JOTTINGS AT RANDOM.

[Br Ahgtjs.l Napier could boast of orderly Sundays before tho cranks known as the " Salvation Army "commenced their inane antics, but that, desirable state of things i 3 nonaltered for tho worse. Tho loons whose theology appears to consist in wearing red jackets and aping military titles were nuisance enough to respectable people before starting tho cornet business, with which to plague tho town, hut the brazen instruments, outrageous enough in themselves, have now been reinforced by a small drumtnei' and a large drum. The proceedings of the Belf-stylod " army " wore yesterday disgraceful. Whatßhould have been a quiet Sunday was disturbed by two or three noisy donkeys evolving hidrouß pounds from brass instruments, their Bhrill and tuneless efforts being rendered more outrageous by another asinine performer thnatking tbe big drum. The unpleasantness of the discord wa3 most provi.'ki))?.', ai)d was rendered more unbearable by the shouta and jeers of tho crowd of larrikins without; which no procession of the v army " sceems complete. It is 6urcl.y time that the police interfered to protect from annoyance tho peaceable people to whom the theological rowdyism that findd vent in drums and cracked cornets is a nuisance and an outrage.

Thoso who take a delight in the niceties of literary style will be obliged to me for reproducing one of Mr Gladstone's recent eilbrts, in the shape of one sentence. Critics have talked of long sentences, involved sentences, and sentences of penal servitude, but tbe one about to bo quoted strikes me as being unique, and of such a quality (and quantity) as to terrify even a Jeffries. Here it is, taken from Mr Gladstone's defence of his Cabinet's policy in the Soudan: — "One of those objects was the case of the persons to whom General Gordon — the lamented Gonpral Gordon — who has so well vindicated his title to the character of hero now recognised throughout the civilised world— held himself to be bound in honor, and for whose sake lie contentedly forbore ; indeed, more than contentedly, determinedly forebore, to make use of the means of personal safety, which, so far as we know, were largely nnd at all times— at all events, for a long time, at his disposal." Now the beauty of this " rigmarole " is its sublime indefiniteness. Apart from tbe fact that it must mean that its author is a "Grand Old Man," ono might defy a De Quincy to analyse, with any conviction of certainty that he was right, the precise meaning of what was said. This proves what everybody needs no proof of — that the G.O.M. is never at a loss for a word, and can say nothing in three volumes with any man living.

They were discussing titles, and much fun was poked at the tendency of some men to stick A.S.S., or the equivalents of those letters after their namrs. Then the conversation turned upon the ease with which any man with a crank in that direction could procure a diploma entitling him to a Btring of -letters after his name, the modus operandi being explained as simply to take one's choice of what Bbt of letters were desired, and then to sond a. member's subsciiption to tho society whoso titlo gave the required initials. Aristnrchus, who formed one of the parly debating, opined that not even money was required, and that any man possessed of the philosopher's stone, or of its modern equivalent "cheek," might boast of titles galore. "For instaucp," said he, " I once travelled with a man who placed f L.L.D.' after his ramo. Becoming sceptical as to his knowledge of tho law, and probing him hard, he admitted to me that his alphabetical tail had nothing to do with legal acquirements, but simply meant 'late linen-draper.'" Considering the idea a good one, I h^re present ifc at secondhand to " alphabet scrummagers."

Hero is another story. Sampan is a gentleman who has a venerable pere. Sara pan persuaded his airo to accompany him to a photographer's to have his portrait taken. Tin old gentleman conBonted, and was forthwith made tho subject of a 9un picture — slightly " stippled," of course. About a week afterwards Sampan was waited upon by a canvasser from tho photographic establishment, who suggested " An enlarged copy of the old gentleman before anything happened to him" This is one way of exhibiting trade enterprise, but poor Sampan's feelings were harrowed, nevertheless, although he does stand in for " something handsome," when the "old'un" goes. What tho old gentleman would think of the matter ia of course not known. Another correspondent favors me with a communication, " Englishman " writing as follows : —

Dear -Argua,-T!.e Russians are coming! So everybody says, and overybody ought to know. Jn cass our town— or, rather, " city " — is attacked, I -would suggest that a compact be at ones entered into with tho Government to provide a special train, to bo in readiness to convoy all the women and children inland, say to the Bush. By this means the hands of our noble Volunteers would be strengthened, and they would by concentrated effort be in a better position to resist any force that threatened to land. In the event of .the women and children being left in the place, the "gallants" would be bound to protect them, and becoming necessarily aeatterod in consequence, the Russians would have little trouble in effecting a landing. Signal stations would be required in central positions, in order to spread the alarm, but these could eusily be arranged. Referring to the special train buiineaß, I am Btrongly of opinion that tho Government wou'd willingly concede us this point, if we only promised to relinquish all claims to sidings along tho line. In confidence, why should we not make breachable promi es to gain our onds when we have 6uch a splendid example set us by "those in authority over us ? " Your recent remarks in reference to volunteering for the Soudan, instead of staying in our own country to protect ouv homes, I think aro worthy of great consideration. Aa far as lam personally concerned I much prefer the Napier swamp 3 to tho Egyptian sands, and therefore readily endorae your patriotic sentiments. " Englishman's " suggestion about the special train would no doubt be acted upon should the necessity arise, but 11 Argus " is happy to think that the war cloud is breaking, and that consequently we shall be able to prosecute our harbor works in peace.

Some time ago I noticed in the Herald a request by a correspondent to be informed on the subject of " A rhymiog sermon on tobacco," supposed by the enquirer to have been written by the late Bishop Selyvyn. I think I can supply the rhymes desired, but they were not written by Bishop Selwyn, nor by any other Bishop so far as is known, the verses having been published anonymously. They run a3 follows : — TOBACCO. This Indian weed, now withered quite Though green at noon, cut down at night, Shows thy decayAll flesh is hayThus think, and smoke tobacco. Tho pipe, so lily-white and weak, Does thus thy mortsl state bespeak— Tton'rt even such— Gone with a touchThus think, and smoke tobacoo. And when the smoke ascends on high. Then thou behold'&t the vanity Of worldly stuff. Gone with a puff, Thus think, and smoke tobacco. And when the pipe grows foul within, Think of thy soul defiled by sin, For then the fire It does require, TLus think, and smoke tobacco. And erst tho ash is cast away ; Then to thyself thou mayest say That to the dust Return thou must. Thuß think, and smoke tobacco. Was this small plant for thea cut down ? So was the Plant of Great Renown, Which mercy sends For nobler ends. Thus think, and smoke tobacco. Does juice medicinnl proceed From such a naughty foreign weed ? Then what tho power Of Jesses flower! i Thus think, and smoke tobacco.

The promise, like the pipe, inlays,\ And by the mouth of faith conveys "What virtue flows From Sharon's rose. Thus think, and smoke tobacco. Tv vain th' nnliglited pipe you blow — Onr pains in ontward means are so. Till heavenly fire Onv hearts inspireThus think, and smoke tobacco. The smoke, like burning incense, towers ; So should a prayin? heart of ours Witfyardent cries Surround the skies. Thus think, and smoke tobacco. — There, now; if the enquirer ia not satisfied he can look further for himself, and " put that in his pipe and smoke it." A good story comes from the neighborhood of a recent local race meeting. A race for " gentlemen riders " was to start, and a nervous rider was up for his first racing mount. He did not seem particularly happy, and was apparently calculating the chances of being run away with, or some other catastrophe. A friend asked him if he was "going for it?" " No," said he, with the icy calmness of blank despair, and speaking as one determined to "hold ou" to the bitter end, "no, not if the blooming reins don't (jive way."

There is a homely proverb which sets forth the nocessity of placing justice before generosity, but the Government do not appear to have heard of it. An instance of their disregard of the principle was quoted the other day in thy HerAld, when the gratis issue of books, &c, from the Government preßs, at the cost of the general taxpayer, was strongly referred to. I am in possession of a more glaring instance. A " personage " in Wellington, named Dramfield, had the good or bad fortune to have a 6on nmnn» the New South Wales contingent for the Soudan. Dransfield the elder became aware that some mishap had occurred, and wanted to know how his son fared. Being a merchant, he probably had money enough to pay for a cabled message of enquiry, but he was wiser in his generation, and applied to the Government. They, in the promptest manner, spent as much of the taxpayers' money as would pay for a direct message to and from Souakim, and then communicated the result to the Wellington merchant. This was very generous, but hardly just, and one wonders what taxation would be necessary if every person anxious about relatives in other countries could got free cablegrams sent and returned at the expense of the nation. Perhaps the solution of the Government's anxiety to subsidise Dranefield pere is clue tn the fact that he has " political influence."