Romance.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume 15, Issue 1194, 7 October 1870, Page 3

Romance.

TIIE LITTLE BRIBINGTON ELECTION. a ebadisg. By Litchfield Moselt. (Prom "Once a Week," for June.)' In 1860, Little Bribington was a small borough in the West of England. We — that is to say, the burgesses thereof— had the privilege of returning one member to Parliament; and, in the year I have mentioned, our honourable representative having levanted with a considerable sum of money — he was a joint-stock bank director—our seat became vacant. Two candidates immediately appeared : ono a man of strict honour and probity, but limited means, named Alexander Freebody ; the other, one Sir Hugh Muffkins, whose merits well, the less said about them the better, perhaps ; suffice it to say, he was the possessor of a very largo income. We were nofc long in discovering thafc the baronet's political attributes were of a very shady description ; in fact, he was so utterly empty-headed, thafc he had no idea of his own on any subject. Bufc what did that matter to us ? We enrolled ourselves under his banner, and he never grumbled at the expenses we incurred on his behalf. Sir Hugh left everything in our hands. --•• We issued his advertisements, indited his postersyand placarded the borough with announcements as follows : — " Purity and Muffkins ;" " Corruption and Freebody ;" " Muffkins and a Big Loaf" (some of the opposition party altered this into " Muffkins is a Big Loafer"); "Freebody and Starvation;" " Vote for your True and only Friend, Sir Hugh, who pledges himself to abolish Everything ;" &c. We also bought up the local paper, and fulminated in it abusive and damaging reports — all of them fabrications — concerning the integrity, morality, and respectability of Mr. Freebody. We secured all the leading taverns, and threw them open to the free and independent electors ; and we, moreover, personally canvassed the inhabitants, and left no stono unturned to secure Sir Hugh's return. One of our favourite plans was to prevail on those of the poorer electors who had little to do to acfc as canvassers and committee men ; hinting that all their expenses, up to ton guineas each, would be paid on the day after the election. This bait was eagerly swallowed, and the baronet secured about three hundred plumpers by its means. I will give one specimen of the way in which we managed our canvassing. Suppose the scene to be the High-street, Little Bribington. We enter the shop of Mr. White, our leading baker, and find him busy, as usual, behind the counter. " Good morning, gentlemen. Whafc can I do for you ? " asks the baker. " Well, it's merely a trifling matter, Mr. White. We suppose we can rely on your support at the coming election for Sir Hugh Muff'kins ? " " Well, gentlemen, you see I've half made up my mind to vote for Mr. Freebody. I've known the family for years, and he's just the man we want in Parliament now." " Hum ! yes, Mr. White ; but do you conscientiously think that Mr. Freebody is qualified to become our representative? You must recollect that he does not represent vested interests, and — " " Well, to tell you the truth, gentlemen, I've thought very little about the matter ; but, as I said before, I've a great rpspecfc for Mr. Freebody." " Oh, certainly, certainly. This is a free country, and every man has a right to his own opinions ; and, of course, we have no wish to interfere or bias anyone." Finding that the baker is obstinate, we venture on another tack. " And how are all your family, Mr. White?" " Oh, they're pretty woll, thank you, gentlemen — pretty well." " That's right. How's George getting on ?" We may here remark that George has won an unenviable reputation in Little Bribington. " Ah, not so well as I could wish, gentlemen. You see, George has always been a deal o' trouble to me and the missis, and I'm afraid he'll nevor settle to anything. It's scarce a month back since I got him a good situation in the North, and he wasn't there a week before he threw it up ; and now he's at home, idling about again." " Dear me, Mr. White, that's very sad — very sad indeed ! By the bye, Jellyby" — J. is my companion — " Sir Hugh Muffkins is chairman of one of the largest finance companies in London, and it wouldn't be much trouble to him to get George into the office. What do you think ?" Jellyby nods assent. " Ifc would bo an excellent opening for him, Mr. White. We cau'fc mention the matter to him just now, you see, he's so busy about this election business ; but as soon as that's settled, we'll broach the subject, if you like." " Really, gentlemen, I should feel deeply grateful to you ifyou would. I can assure you, my son's goings-on have caused me many a sleepless night." " Well, Mr. White, we'll see whafc can be done after the election. Good morning." " Good morning, gentlemen, and thank you kindly ; and if my vote's worth having, it's at Sir Hugh's disposal." So, in five huudred different ways, we succeeded in obtaining promises of support from as many electors, in some cases by open bribes, in others by hinting at future benefits. Wo held meetings at the town hall ; and whenever Sir Hugh essayed to speak, and broke down— which he generally did after the first sentence — we drowned his confusion by cheers; and the next morning tho Bribington Gazette gave an elaborate account of tho proceedings, with a verbatim report- of the speech made by the baronet — which was supplied to that paper by a literary barrister we engaged for tho purpose. We also secured the active cooperation of a number of London pugilists and roughs ; and the duty of these gentlemen was to attend the opposition meetings, and whenever Mr. Freebody or his supporters attempted to speak, they they would begin to yell uproariously, upset the benches, throw the ink bottles about, get up a free fight — and, in short, create such a disturbance, that not a single word could be heard ; and, as all well disposed persons considered themselves fortunate if they escaped without broken heads, those who attended Mr. Freebody's meetings onco never repeated their visit. At last the nomination day arrived ; and at cloven o'clock Sir Hugh Muffkins, accompanied by his proposer and seconder, drove up to the hustings in a magnificent carriage, drawn by four horses, with postillions- I—Mr.1 — Mr. Freebody having arrived some half-hour earlier in a simple one-horse brougham — amid the prolonged cheers of our lambs, which lasted until the Mayor, who was on our side, oponcd the proceedings by commanding silence. Whereupon Mr. Freebody 's nominator, Mr. Frumps — a short, fussy little gontleman, of extremely nervous temperament — stepped forward, and spoke as follows : — " Gentlemen " — (here he looked about him, and fumbled with his watchchain

i>ii.ii..^i.i..iii Ml iiiiiiiiiiii - B » I «Mn«cmaaggi|«»»*i**i»'*MNp«a^iiMi»'. ff. for a few seconds)—" Gentlem^^glgl^i? man of business "—(he had madeai-%|,y tune in the gingerbeer trade);-^|ApJMyy. you are all, no doubt, men of . busme^*" yourselves, I will, if you will penpjkrae,: . y come to tbe point at once, and .without >; any further delay; feeling sure tKaf—a-^;;;; beating about the bush is a mere^a>te^JTy time, and simply calculated, to try your yfpatience. I will, with your kmd.|er|pife y ; sion — ": • „. „. y;.V A Voice: "You said that before „ r ,,3 y._ " Did I ? I am obliged to that gentle*man for the information ; and/ therefor?, n with your kind permission—-" -*:-- f yy -y.STy-.. Another Voice : " Get along, do.fc o« .-£:,- --" Gentlemen, lam getting along £s fast as circumstances will allow ; but, if you will persist in interrupting me-- f -,ff Several Voices : "Oh ! oh ! oh I * ■ " I am afraid that I shall be compelled to trespass Qn your time to a greater-;,ex-tenfc that I afc first intended. Gentlemen, I was about to say — " -7 A Voice : " Never, mind what you were about to say. Say it out like a man I" "V " Sir, I appeal to you for protection. (Here he turned to the Mayor, who held up his hand, as if to command silence.). " Gentlemen !"— laying a marked' stress on the first two syllables— "A vacancy having occurred in your representation, I beg to propose Alexander Freebody, Esq., as a thoroughly fit ard proper person to represent your borough in Parliaih-nt. I believe him to be — " ' Here the speaker was compelled to stop - in consequence of a perfect hurricane of groans and catcalls. In vain he attempted to make himself heard, being aßsaili^i^rltjh.^ cries of " Go home!" " Wbafc^unaticasy*. luni have you escaped from ?''_ fyQk-i $&.'&'- &c. -- . ... Mr. Freebody 's seconder "followed in dumb show, until he was hit by a stray bunch of turnips, upon which he retired with expedition. • _ Then, something like silence having been restored, Mr. Spuflins, our chairman, advanced, and in the usual orthodox manner, proposed Sir Hugh Muffkins amid deafening cheers; and was immediately followed by Mr. Jonathan Gammon, who ! seconded the nomination iv the following ! eloquent speech. Gammon was .a man j who positively revelled in big words'^ without the slightest idea of their meaning or ' ''■ applicability, and was in every respect a ! shining specimen of the " stump orator " : species. | " Gentlemen ! Fellow-townsmen:! Free 1 and Independent Electors of Little Bribington ! — lt is with feelings of the most . intense gratification that I rise to second the nomination of Sir Hugh Muffkins, feeling convinced in the innermost recesses of | my soul, that, if you are fortunate Snoii||h. : to elect him as your representative^ in ,- the Commons Houso of Parliament, you ' will confer lustre on your borough, and . credit on yourselves. Gentlemen, lam not ashamed to slate, that there is not a man living whom I hold in higher estimation - than the worthy baronet." (He had just i borrowed £500 of him.) " Gentlemen', if you want a man who will pledge himself to do anything, than I say, elect-Sir Hugh Muffkins 1 If you wish the ceaseless cycle of this great empire to expand into infinite infinity, elect Sir Hugh Muffkins! If you want a man who is in favor of the disruption of the tyrannical cords that y ; bind tbe everlasting feet of industry as ';" ! with adamantine chains, elect Sir Hugh 'Muffkins! If you require virtue, integrity, honour, pi"ouity, justice, naturalization, intimidation, investigation, mystification, obliteration, premeditation, procrastination, vaccination, and tho compulsory, abolition of all taxation, whether necessary or unnecessary, where would you seek for such a man except- in 'Sir- Hugh Muffkins ? Gentleman, I confide to you the proud responsibility of electing him. Remember that a noble task is before you — a task which, upwards of ten thousand years ago, the brave Roman electors strove to emulate, but in vain ; yet even in those old barbaric times, when men were men and not serfs, faint* traces ofthe glories of this day were visible on the political horizon — that horizon which, happily, has not yet been burst up by the amenities of chemical jurisprudence. Then, Gentle--men, pull well togethor, shoulder to shoulder and arm to arm, and hesitate at nothing — I say, nothing whatever; for remember that the eyes of two expansive hemispheres are upon you to-day, to say nothing of those hemispheres yet undiscovered, to secure the triumphant return of Sir Hugh Muffkins J" As Mr. Gammon resumed his seat, the applause was positively terrific. The show of hands was then taken, and declared to bo in favor of tho baronet ; whereupon Mr. Freebody demanded a poll which was fixed tor the following day. The next morning we opened the polling booths at eight o'clock. The night before, we telegraphed to London, and received by the first train a reinforcement of spme four dozen lambs. We placed our army round the booths, with strict injunctions to indulge in as much horse-play as possi- : ble, to annoy and otherwise molest all persons voting for Mr. Freebody, and' to carry off' tho elderly and weak-minded men, and force them to vote for our candidate. .. These instructions thoy carried out to the letter, until the poll closed at four o'clock. One hour later, the returning officer announced the numbers to be as follows — "Muffkins, 1,240; Freebody, 216;" he therefore declared thafc Sir Hugh Muffkins was duly elected. Then, amid longcontinued cheers, we led forward tho successful candidate, who delivered a telling speech in the following manner : — " Gentlemen 1 overpowered honour House of Commons " * a3sure you brightest — " (". Hurrah !" " Bravo !" " Hear, hear !" &c.)— " ever cherish malt tax " ("Hear, hear!" " Three cheors for Sir Hugh !") — " British constitution ardent desire— —lasting settlement dispute proud prerogative — " ("Hear, hear!") — "your representative — " This was the entire speech, all the audible words being prompted by Gammon, all the other portions being filled up by the cheers of our lambs. But, as the baronet had thrown his arms aboufc wildly,, people said it was a capital oration. Then .the bells were set ringing, the crowd dispersed, and the election was over ; but hot, how* ever, until the irrepressible Gammon had thus spoken : — ' ' , ' "Electors of Little Bribington-hl long to grasp your hands in cordial recognition of your disinterested conduct on this beca- " sion ; for I believe, to speak figuratively, that the first brick of the national palladium of a glorious liberty, to be built on the wreck of a ruined constitution, has been laid to-day. Gentlemen, I cau fancybow the grovelling toadies who lick up the dust which a bloated oligarchy has the audacity to kick up with its garments — T can fancy, I say, how these men will tremble and shiver in their boots when the glorious fact is made known to them in the " Latest Intelligence " that Sic Hugh ' Muffkins sits for Littlo Bribington. G-ek- • tlemen, the mists and shrouds of a darkening ignorance aro rapidly disappearing, and ere long the dazzling dawn Of*, a new era will make itself heard on every side. Again aud again I thank you, andjcall upon you to give three ringing cheer! "for Sir Hugh Muffkins, Mf^y ? V "... y Muffkm-* Is everything thai^e'?3esire-~;, . '~v: ".' ' A wan of kolu, whom all tneeM&t admife..^ 7yy Gold rules the world : Muff kibs .was bQrltitasolpi f Who Ecoffs at money bas*- nit\st be a fopl I" "T- y , Hewas the last member,; M^ :^ turned; for, three months c ra^r/ 'iattie^ " Bribington was disfranchiscid. fixXX

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