ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume 11, Issue 820, 22 January 1867, Page 3

ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.

Mr. Punch, my dear Sir, — It is no? some two weeks since a rayther Strang* lookin man engaged 'partments at th*. Greenlion. He stated he was from th.? celebrated United States, but beyond this he said riothin. He seem'd to prefei sollytood. He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he did show hisself he waltctin a moody and morose manner. in the garding, tvith his bed bowed down' and his arms foldid across his brest. He reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but onhappy Mr. Holler, in the cheerful play of The Stranger. This man puzzled me, I'd been puzzled afore several times, but never sb severally as now. Mine Ost of the Greenlion said t must interrigate this strange bein, who claimed to be my countryman. "He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's been in this ere Ouse," said the landlord. "I look to you," he added, "to clear up this dark, this orful mistry ! " • . . I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to consider the mistry cleared up. I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkin sweet to him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then returnin to the lan'lord, who was nervisly pacin up and down the bar, I said, \. "Sweet Rolando, don't tremble no more ! I've torn the marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into the recesses of his inmost sole ! He's a TransMejim ! "' I'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin' and probly the drammer I saw affected me, because Pm not in the habit of goin on as per above. I like the Beefanham theatre very much indeed, because there a enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like myself can unite the legitermifc drammer with fish. Thus, while your enraptered soul drinks in the lorffcy and noble sentences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'rii jest as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constraned, however, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, arid who was accompanied by agin bottle and a young infant — I felt constraned to tell that • mother, when her infant playfully mengled a rayther oily mack'rii with the littl hair which is left on my vener'ble hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair oil at home, which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which her orfspring was greasin me with. This riled the excellent female, and she said, "Git out ! You never was a infank yourself, I spose ! Oh no ! You was too good to be a infank you was ! You slid into the world all ready grow'd, didn't you! Git out!" " No, Madam," I replied, " I too vyus once a infant ! I was a luvly child. Peple used to come in large and enthoosiastic crowds from all parts of the country to see me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement was so interns, in feck, that a extra hotel was startid in the town to accommodate the peple who thronged to my cradle." Havin finished these troothful statemints, I smilt sweetly on the worthy female. She said, " Drat you, what do you come a-chaffin me for," and the estymible woman was really gettin furis, when I mollyfied her by praisin her child, and by axin pardin for all I'd said. " This little gal," I observed, "this surprisingly luvly gal — " when the mother said, " It's t'other sect is he;' Sir? it's a : boy." "Wall," I said', " then this little boy, whose eye is like a eagle a-soaring proudly in the azure sky,, will someday be a man, if he don't chokey hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater or some other drefful calamity. How surblirae the tho't my dear Madam, that this infant as you fondle on your knee on this night, may grow' up into a free and independent citizen, whose vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds, accordin as suffrages . may range at that joy us perid!" Let us now return gentle reader, to the" lan'lord of the Greenlion, who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire. Rubbin his hot face with a red hankercher, he said, "Is the strange bein a American ?" " He is." "AGen'ral?" "No." "A Colonial?" "No?" "AMajer?" " Not a Majer." "ACapting." "He is not." "Aleftenant?" " Not even that." " Then," said the lan'lord of the Greenlion, " you ar decceved ! He is no countryman of yours." "Why not?" I said. "I will tell you, Sir," said the lan'lord. "My son-in-law is employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these shores goes to get his drafts casht, and he says that not ojie has arrived on these shores durin the last 18 months as wasn't a a gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a leftenant ! This main as I said afore, has deceeved you! He's a imposteur!" I reeled into a chair. For a _ninit I was speechlis. At length I murmerd, " Alars ! I fear it is too troo ! Even I was Capting of the Home Guards." "To be sure," said the lan'lord ; "you all do it over there." "Wall," I said, "whatever nation this person belongs to, " we may as well go and hear him lecture this evenin. He is one of these spirit fellows — he is a Tracts Mejim, and when he slings himself into a trans state, he says the sperrits of the departed great men talk through him. He says that to-night sev'ril em'nent persons will speak through him — among others Cromwell." " And this Mr. Cromwell — is he dead ?" said the lan'lord. I told him that Oliver was no more. "It's a umbug," said the lan'lord; to which I replied that we'd best go and see, and Aye went. We was late, on accounts of the lan'lord's extensiv acquaintans with the public house keepers along the road, and the hall was some two miles distant, but we got there at last. The hall was about half full, and the Mejim was just then assumin' to be Benjamin Franklin, who was speakin* about the Atlantic Cable. He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that messiges could be sent to America and there was no doubt about their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which he said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by steamer or canalboat. It struck me that if this was Franklin a spiritooai life hadn't improved the old gentleman's intellecks particly. The audiens was mostly composed of ray-

_n_»miu_a»— a_] nana _aa— _» aae— —am — ■_ w — — a nam ■■— — ther pale peple, whose eyes I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner. But -*. they was well behaved, and the females kept 3 saying, "How beautiful! Whatasurblime i ; thing it is," et cetry, et cetry. Among the -. | females was one who was a fair and rosy -j i young woman. She sot on the same seat *. \ we. did, and the lan'lord of the Greenlion, 3 ; whpse frekent intervoos with other lan'lords , .that evenin had been too much for him, t : fastened his left eye on the fair and rosy [ : young person, arid smilin lovinly upon her, ." j he said, "You may give me, my dear, four- ; , penny-worth of gin — cold gin. I take it ' cold, because——" . ; There was cries of "Silence!" Shame! ; ' Put him out! the Skoffer!" >': "Ain't we at the Spotted Boar?" the , < lan'lord hoarsely whispered. "No," I answered, "It's another kind of „ bore. Lis'en. Cromwell is goin 1 to speak through our inspired fren,' now." "Is he?" said the lan'lord— "is he? Wall, I've suthin to say, also. Was this , Cromwell a licensed vittler ?" "Not that I ever heard," I anserd. " I'm sorry for that," said the lan'lord with a sigh ; " but you think he was a man who would wish to see licensed vittlers respected in their rights ?" "No doubt." " Wall," said the lan'lord, jest you keep a eye on me." Then risin to his feet he said, in a somewhat husky yet tol'bly distink voice, "Mr.Crumbwell!"---"Cromwell!".I cried. . ' '• Yes, Mr. Cromwell : that's the man I mean, Mr. Cromble! won't you please advise that gen'i'man who you're talkin through ; won't you advise 'im during your elekant speech to settle his bill at my 'ouse to-night Mr. Crumbles," said the lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple, " because if he don't, there'll be a punched 'ed to be seen at the Greenlion, where I don't want no more of this everlastin nonsens. HI talk through 'im ! Here's a sperrit," said the lan'lord, a smile once more beamin on his face, " which will talk through him like a Dutch father ! I'm the sperrit for you, young feller !" " You're an helthy old sperrit," I reraarkt; and then I saw the necessity of gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was yellin and screamin, and the men was hollerin' perlice. A perliceman really came and collerd my fat ft en. " It's only a fit, Sir Richard," I said. I always call the perlice Sir Richard. It pleases them to think I'm the victim of a deloosion ; and they always treat me perlitely. This one did, certinly, for he let us go. We saw no more of the Trans-Mejim. It's diffikilt, of course, to say how long these noosanees will be allowed to prowl round. I should say, however, if pressed for a anser that they will prob'ly con tinner on jest about as long as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em. Am I right ? Yours, faithful, Artemus Ward. September loth. Btt«--rrtlKMB-aK_aHai**MMaMBMMBm