ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.

Hawke's Bay Herald, Volume 11, Issue 819, 19 January 1867, Page 4

ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.

Dear Mr. Punch, — You'll be glad to.learn that I've made a dood impression onto the mind of the lan'lord of the Greenlion .tavern. He made' a speech about me last night. Risin' in the bar he spoke as follers, there bein over 20 individooals present : " Thi3 North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two weeks, yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur of any kind. \Kere^ here,"] I find I can trust him with lited caudles. He eats his wittles with a knive and a fork. People of this kind should be encurridged. I purpose 'is 'elth ? " [Loud plans.] What could I do but modestly get up and express- a fervint hope that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still more closely together ? The lan'lord said my speech was full of orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage coach was more safer, and he tho't people would indors that opinyin in doo time. I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in London. I see now, however, that I made a mistake in orderin' my close afore I left hom6. The trooth is the . taler in our little villige owd me for a pig and I didn't see any other way of gettin' my pay. Ten years ago these close would no doubt have been fash'n'ble, and perhaps they would be ekally siin'lar ten years hens. But now they're diff' rently. The taler said he know'd they, was all right, because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed about London fashins reg'lar. This was a infamous falsehood. But as the ballud says, which I heard a gen'l'man in a new soot of black close and white kid gloves sing t'other night, Never let us Despise a Man because he wears a Raggid Coat ? I don't know as we do, by the way, tho' we gen'rally get out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on account of the pity which tears our boosums for his unhappy condition. The last remark is a sirkastic and wither'in thrust at them blotid people who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain ray meanin' to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin' of my remarks. I know one man — and he's a man of varid 'coraplishments — who often reads my articles over j 20 times afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster at home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceding practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humer her little ways. It's a reklis falshpod that she henpecks me, and the young man in our naberhood who said to me one evenin', as I' was mistenin' my diafram with a gentle cocktail at the villige tavun — who said to me in these very langwidge. "Go home, old man, onless you desires to have another teapot throwd at you by B. J.," prpbly regrets j havin said so. I said, " Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, and I permits no person to alood to her as B. J. outside of the family circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your other observations I scorn and disgust, and I must polish you ofi." He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, he inquired if I wanted to be ground to powder ? I said, Yes : if there was a Powder-grindist handy nothin would 'ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a painful blow into my right eye, causin' me to make a rapid retreat into the fire-place. I hadn't no idee that the enemy was so well organised. But I rallied and went for him, in a rayther vigris stile for my time of life. His parunts lived near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only elapst after the first act, when he was carried home on a shutter. His mama met the sollum procession at the door, and after keerfully looking her ofspring over, she said, "My son, I see how it is distinctually. You've been foolin' round a Trashin Masheen. You went in at the pla.ee where they put the grain in, cum out. with the straw, and you got up into the thingamyjig, and let the hossess tred on you, didn't you my son?" The pen of no livin Orthur could describe that disfornit young man's sittywatin more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and I went and nussed him till he got well. His reg'lar original father being absent to the war, I told him I'd be a father to him myself. He srailt a sickly smile, and said I'd already been wuss than two fathers to him. I will here observe that fitin ortor be allus avided, excep in extreme cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the right cheek I'll turn my left to him, prob'ly ; but if he insinooates that my gran mother wasn't all right, I'll punch his hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisness, gen'rally speakin, and whenever any enterprisin countryman of mine cumd over here to scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I'm allus excessivly tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad facie has thus far been the case — my only sorrer bein' that t'other feller wasn' scooped likewise. ■ It's diff'rently with scullin boats, which is a manly sport, and I can only explain Mr. Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will be entirely satisfact'ry to all. As I remarked afore, I'm gettin on well. I'm aware that I'm in the great metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make me onhappy to admit the facie. A man is an ass who dispoots it. .That's all that ails him. I know there is sum peple who cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that : I know one man who says it is a shame and a disgrace that St. Paul's Church isn't a older edifiss ; he says it should be years and even ages older than it is ; but I decline to hold myself responsible for the conclude of this idyit simply because he's my countryman. I spose every civ'lised land is endowed with its full share of gibberin' idyits, and it can't be helpt — leastways I can't think of any effectooal plan of helpin' it. I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here, but I shall not discuss 'era.' with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild omnibus hosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I've had quite enufFof 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birmingham t'other night, and went to the great meetin' for a few minits. I hadn't been in the hall long when a stern . lookin' artisan said to me, " You ar from Wales ? " No, I told him I didn't think I was. ' A hidgyis tho't ftasht over me. It was of that onprincipled taler, and I said, "Has my clothin' a Welchy appearance ? " "Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, " And what is your opinyin of of the present crisis ? " I said, "I don't zackly know. Have you got it very bad ?" He replied, "Sir, it is sweepin' over England like the Cyinoon of the Desert?" " Wall," 1 said, "let it sweep !"

.-■■■■■'••.■'■ ■- '''•-- r ;"7v-:-j : ;.^-'^;2?^^^.2^fS6jsfa| He ceased me by the i am'and^said^i^ " Let us glance at-hwt'iy^x'lt'ls.npw^^som^.'f';^ two thousand years — —•".'- '-",'"■: ; "Is it indeed ?" I'repUed. r y // - " Listen 1" .he fiercely cried ; "it is only a little over two thousand years since— ■■ ■" r " Oh, bother !" I remarkt, " let us go ; . : and git some beer ?" , .{: " No, Sir. I want no gross and sensual y beer. I'll not move from this spot till I can vote. Who ar you?" \ ■'■■■ I handed him my card, which in addition ; to my name, contains a elabrit description of my show. "Now, Sir," I proudly said, " you know me?" " I sollumly swear," he sternly replied, " that I iiever herd of you or your show in my life!" "And this man calls hisself a intelligent man, and thinks he orter be allowed to ' vote. What a holler mockery !" I've no objection to every intelligent man votin' if he wants to. It's a pleasant araoosement, no doubt ; but there is those whose ignorance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid with a ballit any more'n one of my trained serpents . should be trusted with a child to play with. I went to the station with a view of returnin' to town on the cars. " This way, Sir," said the guard, " here you ar," and he pinted to a first-class carriage, the sole ockepant of which was a rayther prepossessin' female of about 30 summers. "No, I thank you," I earnestly replied, " I prefer to walk." I am dear, Sir, Very respectfully yours, . Artemus Ward. September Bth.