HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Hawera Star, Volume LIV, 24 August 1935, Page 15

HAVE YOU HEARD THIS ONE?

Customer (peevishly): Can you tell me why this tea. is so weak? Waitress (under notice) : Yessir. It's partly ’cos there ain’t enough tea in it, and partly ’cos there’s too much bloomin’ water.

Magistrate: Now, Ah Me, you are charged with, conducting games of chance. Have you anything to say? Ah Me: Me no play no game of chance. Cards all marked, dice loaded. No chance. Me win every time. * * * * *

Mrs Binks: Well, this is good news, any’ow. Me daughter’s written to say she’s got a. reg’lar job at last, 'a bridesmaid to a film actress at ’Ollywood.’’ *****

Nurse : It’s a- boy I Confirmed golfer: Hurray! A caddie 1

Mistress (angrily): I never heard such impudence in all my life. You had a lot of nerve to call yourself a lady’s maid. New Maid : I don’t call myself that now, ma’am; hut I was a lady’s maid before I got this job. *** . * * “I thought,” said the tailor, “that I’d met some cheeky customers in my time, but ” “What’s happened?’'’ interjected the bootmaker. “Would you believe it, these trousers have been sent to me half a dozen times to be pressed, and they’re not even paid for yet!” “Pshaw! That’s nothing,” retorted the bootmaker. “I went out one day to collect a long-standing account for a pair of boots, and the fellow actually kicked me out with them.” * * * * at ' “What’s the matter up at Tom’s house?” “They’re taking ’im away in the ambulance for beatin’ ’is missus.” ***** Soulful Xiady: There are times, Mr Simpkins, when I feel convinced I was on earth in ancient Egypt. Youth: I say, you know, it’s jolly rare for a girl to joke about her age like that. ***** A small man was holding forth on humanitarian i sm. “My friends,” he said, “you should never in any circumstances strike a child. I’ve brought up six "boys my‘self, so I know what I’m talking about.” *t:" t “Six boys!” exclaimed one of the audience. “And do you mean to say you haven’t laid a hand on one of them?” “Never,” declared the lecturer, “except in self-defence.” ***** We’ll now hear from Mr Jones, the last speaker on the programme,” said the weary toastmaster. Jones arose as those round the banquet- table made a weak attempt at applauding. “I’m bored from listening so much,” he began, “and I’m too tired to do my stuff. Any man who would like to know what I would have said if I’d been first on the list can read the speech; it’s here, all typewritten. Thanks.” Jones sat down amid deafening apr plausp. # * # * A Cheap-Jack at a, country fair was trying to get the patrons into a good humour before offering his goods for sale.

“Now, ladies and gents,” he said, holding up U' shilling, “here’s a. real chance for everyone. How much will •you give me for this silver shilling?” As he expected, bids came quickly. Finally, a small boy bid “Elevenpence.” “Very well, my lad,” said the eheapjack. “The shilling’s yours. Hand up your elevenpence.” The boy shook his head. “Take it out of the shilling, guv’nor, and give me the change,” he said brightly. * * * * • The new collector was instructed to tactfully remind Mrs Maggs that payments for her perambulator were farj behind. “How are you Mrs Maggs?” he greeted her. “And how is your child getting on at school?” * * * * * “And what made you jump over the balcony?” the Magistrate asked the young man charged with attempted suicide. “My girl threw me over,” was the illuminating reply. Wife (heatedly): You’re lazy, you’re worthless, you’re bad-tempered, you’re shiftless, you’re a thorough liar. Husband (reasonably): Well my dear, no man is perfect. * * * * * Jones’ wife had been unusually silent during the concert, but it was obvious that something was puzzling her. “By the way, dear,” she said, when a piece came to an end, “what’s that book the conductor keeps looking at?” “That’s the score of the overture,” he replied. “Oh,” she exclaimed. “Who’s winning. - ***** A railway employee was notified he was to serve on the jury, and he didn’t want to serve. When his name was called he asked the Judge to excuse him. “We are very busy at the shops,” said he, “and I ought to be there.” - So you are one of those men who think the railway couldn’t get along without you,” remarked the Judge. "No,”' said the man. “I know it could get along without me, but 1 don’t want it to find it out.” “Excused,” said the Judge.